Friday, December 14, 2007

i've been told to start a music blog.
this won't happen, however, because i find music because other cool people post things themselves, and there's no need to double up the internet pollution.

feeling a little frustrated right now. feeling a little misunderstood. feeling victim to too much miscommunication. feeling helpless to the whim of my issues. feeling like i've opened pandora's box at the moment.

i went to see a counsellor because some things were coming up. talked about them, but everything else under the sun came up. unfortunately for most of those folks around me, that's meant that i've become a bit of a basketcase once again, because there's the things i intended to be working on, and then there's all the other shit that i either thought was sorted out, or the stuff that i'd never even considered before, all coming out to play. AND it's winter and dark and cold and depressing. AND many of the people that matter most to me are leaving town this winter. AND i'm not. AND i've let down my guard more now than i have in a long time, and i'm a little more sensitive to things at the moment and somewhat struggling with feeling like i should block everything out again, but fighting against that. AND the person who matters most to me has left for my favourite month of the year, which is completely his choice and i don't begrudge him that, but i'm just left wishing i could have shown him what vancouver's like in december for christmas, because i rarely get to share that with folks totally anew. AND even though i've been without the hormonal waves of awesome for the last year, i'm suddenly getting a period again, which unfortunately comes with all the great side effects like ridiculous PMS-y moodiness. AND although i'm keeping relatively mum about it, i kinda feel like a waste of space right now, and although my soul is dying at work and i'm feeling dreadfully worried about money things, i can't find a job that either i feel like i could do happily, or that i feel qualified for. AND i'm already usually an analyser as it is, but having so much extra to go on is only making it worse.

so i have reasons for being all over the emotional map at the moment. and it's not like i enjoy feeling frustrated like this, not in the least. and i wish that i could convey that without everything sounding like a Big Deal, but i still want to explain myself, and feel like if i could just spit it all out and have it understood, then it would just all go away and i can go back to being normal.

but right now i can't. right now i have to just be busy. right now, i need to pretend like. pretend like everything's good. pretend like i'm amazing. pretend like i'm happy. pretend like i have no issues. pretend like i'm totally content not being told the exact things i want to hear. pretend like i'm 100% fine "knowing rather than having to be told". pretend like i'm not desperate to change patterns that have been there for all my life, rather than continue them on. pretend like i don't feel like i'm being told off for stating my needs. pretend like i don't think that i'm the only one who needs to change at the moment. pretend like i'm not feeling neurotic that i'm being judged for trying to deal with my things the best way i know how. pretend like i'm totally easily all for the idea of leaving everything that i've finally begun to build up in a few months, when that's actually a really big deal for me. pretend like i'm creative and capable and completely stable. pretend like i feel strong inside. pretend like i feel fit to face the world. pretend like i'm not scared and upset and tired and lonely and confused inside.

pretend like it doesn't matter to me that you'll never read this and understand where i'm coming from. because i've tried to say this all before, but i'm always left feeling worse off for it, not better, like it goes in my imagination.