Monday, March 12, 2007

catch-up time! not that there's much to catch up with.

see, it's been a couple of years, and we all know i'm not one to drink much alcohol, and i guess i just got bored of the feeling of sobriety or something like that, so i went and got myself another concussion again! huzzah! so since last sunday, i've felt dizzy, headachy, somewhat stuttery, sleepy, heady, surreal, and/or bitchy. it's great fun. best part? no bruises! at least not on my head. no, i managed to bump into a pole because i didn't see it, but just the jolt of the sudden impact, slow approach aside, was enough to jostle my brain enough for a pretty decent concussion. in some ways, worse than last time.

same as before, i'm struggling with that whole "just rest" idea. because here's the thing: i'm supposed to rest the thing i hurt, but the thing i hurt is my brain. so i can try to not watch movies or tv or screen and keep my eyes closed to periods at a time. or i can try to not listen to music and dwell in silence. or i can sit on the couch and "take it easy" despite the fact that the rest of my body is screaming to run or jump or stretch or whathaveyou. but y'know what? you take away all that, and all you do is think. and in the end, thinking is using the brain, right? though miss doctors have told me to sleep, don't watch screens, don't read (which isn't hard to avoid anyways, reading makes me downright woozy still), but music is okay, and yoga-ish exercises are okay. problem is, getting to the yoga place. so instead i do half-assed yoga routines at home until i get bored of them. which doesn't take long.

the problem is that i have so many ideas right now: projects to do, things to make, photos to print, paintings to paint, music to write, but they're all just beyond my reach. as soon as i try to grab one of them and turn it into reality, it disappears and i can't remember it well enough to make it real. and it's getting really annoying. and instead i'm resorting to leaving them alone, letting them float around in the mists knowing that they're brilliant and letting them remain brilliant, hoping that they'll still be there when i'm a bit more talented. or maybe a bit less concussed. either way, at least a bit more motivated. and confident.

unfortunately, however, this, along with the fact that i'm poor and unable to go out and spend money to hang out with friends, and don't want to go out anyways because too much noise or too much action around me still just makes me queasy at the moment and i'd rather just sit around and doze at the moment, is making me rather bored. by which i mean, bored to tears half the time.

so in an effort to relieve my boredom, and in an effort to make mundane things a little bit more fun, today my home became La Playa for an afternoon. fortunately karl showed up planning to paint his cardboard boat, so it seemed to fit into the theme pretty well. we turned up the heat and turned on the bright lights (it's nice when heat and electricity are included in the rent), played beach/summertime music, drank fruity drinks, ate ice cream and chips, went for dips in the water* -- so nice and warm!, drew a beachy landscape on the wall, pretended that the sound of rain was really the sound of the ocean, and invited people over to do the mundane boring work they'd be doing at home anyways. but here, they got to do it at La Playa. because La Playa was awesome. is awesome. and will be. awesome.
* read: shower

and you know what i just realised? today was the first day of daylight savings. or is the first day without it, i never know. i think it's the first day with. at any rate, the only reason i've ever heard for having daylight savings is how it supposedly saves energy, which from all i've ever read and heard, is apparently utterly false even though policymakers would like to think that it's true. i guess La Playa helped to contribute to the energy-wasting reality after all that. though... well, we were using flourescent bulbs and LCD twinkle lights, if that's worth anything.

likely not.

well. instead, in the meantime:


Friday, March 02, 2007

today i became the record-holder for quickest call-in request ever for the oldtime jazz show. what can i say, i had a craving for Nagasaki, and he offered to take requests, and i needed something to distract me while driving...!

i just wrote a long email to a friend who's galavanting in south america, the lucky bastard. it was a catch-up email of sorts, the first one since he left. but as i wrote one paragraph, i thought it'd be reasonable to snag it and post it here (with subtle edits), seeing as it's been essentially all that's been on my mind for the last week. so here goes:

Vancouver could be great. It's just the vast majority of folks that make it seem dull and uninteresting. So to relieve boredom and frustration, I think I'm going to take a yoga instructor certification course. It means 3 months of no weekends, and a cost that would equal two trips to Europe and back, and it's totally going to make me poor for a few months, but I'm thinking that it's one of those things that will pay itself back, between being able to actually teach and earn money back (there's already people at my day job asking when I'll be offering classes at Ritchie Bros, so that's encouraging..), but more importantly teach and know I'm not doing damage to people, which is the real reason why I want to take the course. And then there's the fact that I can travel with it. A friend's been trying to convince me that it's gonna go along with my whole "desire to help folks" but I don't know how much I believe that one, to be honest, if only because sure, it'll help people in Vancouver and other places where stress rules supreme, but when it comes to going the places that I do want to go to, to do the volunteer work that I'd like to do, I can't see how yoga is going to be improving the world for people who need access to education, or to clean water. However, at the same time, that's other things that I want to do, but there's no reason why I can't do that afterwards. And right now, maybe I'd like to learn something that I can take with me, and then while I go off to Europe and live there awhile and find organisations to work with out there, this can be something to use on
the side, for fun and profit! At least, enough to get me by.


i think the frustration is coming from everyone who immediately assumes that i'm doing this because i want to make it my career. i don't. i like yoga. it's helped me a lot since i started it. it makes me feel good, it's making me trust my body more, it's making me learn how to centre and focus and to take some time to just be. which is hard to do here. and whenever i like something, i want to share it. (which can be read as wanting to prove to other people that it is truly awesome, but usually this pertains to music, and usually i have a damn good reason for telling you it's great, and you're a philistine to disagree.) but especially because it's working with the body, i want to know how to share it -- teach it -- correctly, so that i know people aren't gonna hurt themselves. when i was getting physio after my first knee surgery, i seriously considered switching into kinesiology because i was so impressed with my physiotherapist, and so thrilled by the prospect of being able to help people feel whole again. but i didn't. i have other things i want to do. and that's what's been frustrating me about this decision, is that there's lots of other things i want to do in life, and i don't know if this is the right one to be spending time, energy, and money on right now. but then again, it's three months. it's money. money returns. time goes by, but it's not like i'm going to be dead anytime soon. and there's a lot more i can work on afterwards. and if right now, i want to learn something that i can take with me when i travel, i want something that's going to help others feel good both mentally and physically.... so this works.


ironically, i left work hoping to make it to yoga class today. due to traffic and leaving a little too late, i missed the bus and therefore missed my yoga class. so instead i've sat in a cafe and thought about what to do, rather than doing what it is i think i want to do. yay for reflection time! but i think it's alright this way, too. the question is, will i lose the sarcastic edge as i learn to become a froofy yoga teacher? i hope not.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

consider this my plea for torrents and buckets and mounds of snow overnight, enough to cancel that whole "going to work" thing. i need time to think.

also, i kinda feel like nothing at the moment.