Friday, December 14, 2007

i've been told to start a music blog.
this won't happen, however, because i find music because other cool people post things themselves, and there's no need to double up the internet pollution.

feeling a little frustrated right now. feeling a little misunderstood. feeling victim to too much miscommunication. feeling helpless to the whim of my issues. feeling like i've opened pandora's box at the moment.

i went to see a counsellor because some things were coming up. talked about them, but everything else under the sun came up. unfortunately for most of those folks around me, that's meant that i've become a bit of a basketcase once again, because there's the things i intended to be working on, and then there's all the other shit that i either thought was sorted out, or the stuff that i'd never even considered before, all coming out to play. AND it's winter and dark and cold and depressing. AND many of the people that matter most to me are leaving town this winter. AND i'm not. AND i've let down my guard more now than i have in a long time, and i'm a little more sensitive to things at the moment and somewhat struggling with feeling like i should block everything out again, but fighting against that. AND the person who matters most to me has left for my favourite month of the year, which is completely his choice and i don't begrudge him that, but i'm just left wishing i could have shown him what vancouver's like in december for christmas, because i rarely get to share that with folks totally anew. AND even though i've been without the hormonal waves of awesome for the last year, i'm suddenly getting a period again, which unfortunately comes with all the great side effects like ridiculous PMS-y moodiness. AND although i'm keeping relatively mum about it, i kinda feel like a waste of space right now, and although my soul is dying at work and i'm feeling dreadfully worried about money things, i can't find a job that either i feel like i could do happily, or that i feel qualified for. AND i'm already usually an analyser as it is, but having so much extra to go on is only making it worse.

so i have reasons for being all over the emotional map at the moment. and it's not like i enjoy feeling frustrated like this, not in the least. and i wish that i could convey that without everything sounding like a Big Deal, but i still want to explain myself, and feel like if i could just spit it all out and have it understood, then it would just all go away and i can go back to being normal.

but right now i can't. right now i have to just be busy. right now, i need to pretend like. pretend like everything's good. pretend like i'm amazing. pretend like i'm happy. pretend like i have no issues. pretend like i'm totally content not being told the exact things i want to hear. pretend like i'm 100% fine "knowing rather than having to be told". pretend like i'm not desperate to change patterns that have been there for all my life, rather than continue them on. pretend like i don't feel like i'm being told off for stating my needs. pretend like i don't think that i'm the only one who needs to change at the moment. pretend like i'm not feeling neurotic that i'm being judged for trying to deal with my things the best way i know how. pretend like i'm totally easily all for the idea of leaving everything that i've finally begun to build up in a few months, when that's actually a really big deal for me. pretend like i'm creative and capable and completely stable. pretend like i feel strong inside. pretend like i feel fit to face the world. pretend like i'm not scared and upset and tired and lonely and confused inside.

pretend like it doesn't matter to me that you'll never read this and understand where i'm coming from. because i've tried to say this all before, but i'm always left feeling worse off for it, not better, like it goes in my imagination.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Thursday, June 28, 2007

lordy, it's been more than a month. i'm surprised i haven't been jilted off some folks' links.

so..... so. so? so!

so between last friday and last sunday, i magically have completed 2 bachelors of arts, and 2 certificates (one that says i know a bunch of stuff, and one that says that i can actually do something). too bad all the work to get those took, oh, a decade (well, for 3 of them at least), but it was surprisingly exhilarating to click the buttons online, and to get a little piece of paper. suddenly i actually feel like i have done something with my life. go figure.

in the meantime, i still have no clue what to do with myself now. i was going to postpone decisions until i had my weekends free again. and now i do, and i still don't want to decide things. so i think i may go back to just appreciating and enjoying vancouver summer for what it can be. with luck, it'll be sunny when i have my week off next week, and i'll actually get to be outside, rather than throwing more indoor beach parties, which are still fun, but i'd rather be outdoors.

i've discovered how difficult it is to just sit and write a letter. even now, as i type this, i should be lying in bed handwriting, but somehow this is easier to do. maybe because it's faster and the words can just pour out without much thought. maybe because my hands hardly move, and it's just that much lazier (= better? no...). either way, i need to start taking buses more, because both my reading and writing's gone lax again. though biking is becoming more and more addictive....

what else what else. the laundry-list of updating a blog that no one even reads. i could tell you about the energy work i've been getting and how amazing it's felt, or how i'm sensing more and more around me which is generally awesome, though sometimes frustrating. i could tell you how i'm still as klutzy as ever, with giant bruises to prove it, but i'm a klutz who's figuring out the knack to jumping double dutch, or how i'm learning to get along with the one person who drives me insane when we're working together.

really, though, everything's the same. it's all completely different, of course, but if you step back far enough, things are the same as ever. except for one thing: for the first time in a very long time, i'm remembering what it feels like to be me, and i'm actually feeling the fun and energy and spontaneity that goes along with it. it started, actually, just a little while before that last post, i think, when i went on an unplanned road trip to mt baker with sharon. and it's just grown and reaffirmed itself since then. and it's wonderful. and i'm amazed that i spent so long being a shell of myself without even realising it.

unfortunately, i was never good at having a full-on plan, and that apparently still hasn't changed. there's always Magic Deciding Coin, though.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

it's possible i'm being a little sticky about things. it's possible i'm being a bit of a killjoy. but for fuck's sake, bylaws are bylaws, decisions are decisions, and there's certain things that need to be done. when people try to make accomodations, it's commendable until it becomes a mess, but when it reaches that point, it's no good pointing fingers and going on how it never should have gone this way, because the fact of the matter is that you're in the mess now, best figure out how to fix it up. complaining doesn't do anything.

i might be sticky about some things. but at least i try to be flexible, and at least i'm going to give something the time it deserves, even if i didn't originally expect it to take that long.

i'm leaving. i have a sleeping bag, a tent, a bike, warm clothes, and a waterproof jacket. you won't notice i've gone anywhere, because it's been months (and many preplanned posts that never were typed and published, as polished and nicely-edited as they might have been in my mind) since i've written. but i will be.

jesus fucking christ, my first day off in a month and a half and i spent more of it doing my unpaid Work than i would have if i'd been at my job or class! and the only gratitude? maybe a few hours' of less-restless sleep now that it's done before i get up for the ferry. HUZZAH!

no i'm not really like this, honestly i am a bucketful of sunshine it's the truth!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

hi blog!

guess it's kinda been boring here lately, what with me neglecting you and all. i've had a zillion great ideas to share with you, but i just never got around to writing them. part of the problem was that i was trying to get around to redesigning you, because it's been near a year that you've looked like this, and we all know that spring's a great time to reinvent yourself. but i'm not getting a redesign done. so i'm not going to use that as an excuse to leave you be anymore.

so, snippets!

today i sat outside in my near-swimsuit (okay, it was a skirt, not the boardshorts, but i can't be bothered to find those when it's so nice outside) and read all morning. it's a kid's book. i think it's good. but at the same time, i already know what's going to happen. i'm not sure if it's fair to be lenient on the novel just because it was written for kids a third of my age, because really, kids that age can be pretty smart, and i'm betting that they'd have figured out that the bard's spirit has entered the crow's body right now, and that's why the crow's following jack (the dimwit) around. but at the same time, some other aspects of the book are pretty remarkable -- mocking christianity? re-telling beowulf? sneaking old english words in? i can get behind that.

after avoiding the myspace craze, i got pulled into facebook trying to catch up with friends from my time in prague. and i found them. and then everyone else made contact too, and it has quickly become a huge way to waste time. so after having fun with it for a couple weeks, i think i'm done with it again. or at least, it's minimal. because it's creepy to begin communicating through that site all on its own. and i'd rather have real emails in my inbox, not notices that someone else that i went to school with (and didn't even like) 15 years ago wants to add me and pretend like it's catch-up time. because if i wanted to do that, i'd bother going to my high school reunion, if there actually is one. or maybe it'll never happen, it's already happening online, why bother spending the time and money to see people in person?

concussion, better! replaced by aching foot that canceled my plans for a hike! but this means going for physio or massage or podiatry, which means i get to feel special for a little while longer. rachel and i have decided that we're doing our old-age suffering early to get it out of the way. after all that we've had to deal with over the last few years, we're destined for some years of exemption in the future. i'm working with this plan in mind. i like this plan.

[..... then karl came home, exuding ridiculously frenetic energy, turning on all the lights and putting on music despite the fact that i was enjoying the darkness and silence, and i left home because i couldn't deal with it. so there's the end of this post!]

Monday, March 12, 2007

catch-up time! not that there's much to catch up with.

see, it's been a couple of years, and we all know i'm not one to drink much alcohol, and i guess i just got bored of the feeling of sobriety or something like that, so i went and got myself another concussion again! huzzah! so since last sunday, i've felt dizzy, headachy, somewhat stuttery, sleepy, heady, surreal, and/or bitchy. it's great fun. best part? no bruises! at least not on my head. no, i managed to bump into a pole because i didn't see it, but just the jolt of the sudden impact, slow approach aside, was enough to jostle my brain enough for a pretty decent concussion. in some ways, worse than last time.

same as before, i'm struggling with that whole "just rest" idea. because here's the thing: i'm supposed to rest the thing i hurt, but the thing i hurt is my brain. so i can try to not watch movies or tv or screen and keep my eyes closed to periods at a time. or i can try to not listen to music and dwell in silence. or i can sit on the couch and "take it easy" despite the fact that the rest of my body is screaming to run or jump or stretch or whathaveyou. but y'know what? you take away all that, and all you do is think. and in the end, thinking is using the brain, right? though miss doctors have told me to sleep, don't watch screens, don't read (which isn't hard to avoid anyways, reading makes me downright woozy still), but music is okay, and yoga-ish exercises are okay. problem is, getting to the yoga place. so instead i do half-assed yoga routines at home until i get bored of them. which doesn't take long.

the problem is that i have so many ideas right now: projects to do, things to make, photos to print, paintings to paint, music to write, but they're all just beyond my reach. as soon as i try to grab one of them and turn it into reality, it disappears and i can't remember it well enough to make it real. and it's getting really annoying. and instead i'm resorting to leaving them alone, letting them float around in the mists knowing that they're brilliant and letting them remain brilliant, hoping that they'll still be there when i'm a bit more talented. or maybe a bit less concussed. either way, at least a bit more motivated. and confident.

unfortunately, however, this, along with the fact that i'm poor and unable to go out and spend money to hang out with friends, and don't want to go out anyways because too much noise or too much action around me still just makes me queasy at the moment and i'd rather just sit around and doze at the moment, is making me rather bored. by which i mean, bored to tears half the time.

so in an effort to relieve my boredom, and in an effort to make mundane things a little bit more fun, today my home became La Playa for an afternoon. fortunately karl showed up planning to paint his cardboard boat, so it seemed to fit into the theme pretty well. we turned up the heat and turned on the bright lights (it's nice when heat and electricity are included in the rent), played beach/summertime music, drank fruity drinks, ate ice cream and chips, went for dips in the water* -- so nice and warm!, drew a beachy landscape on the wall, pretended that the sound of rain was really the sound of the ocean, and invited people over to do the mundane boring work they'd be doing at home anyways. but here, they got to do it at La Playa. because La Playa was awesome. is awesome. and will be. awesome.
* read: shower

and you know what i just realised? today was the first day of daylight savings. or is the first day without it, i never know. i think it's the first day with. at any rate, the only reason i've ever heard for having daylight savings is how it supposedly saves energy, which from all i've ever read and heard, is apparently utterly false even though policymakers would like to think that it's true. i guess La Playa helped to contribute to the energy-wasting reality after all that. though... well, we were using flourescent bulbs and LCD twinkle lights, if that's worth anything.

likely not.

well. instead, in the meantime:


Friday, March 02, 2007

today i became the record-holder for quickest call-in request ever for the oldtime jazz show. what can i say, i had a craving for Nagasaki, and he offered to take requests, and i needed something to distract me while driving...!

i just wrote a long email to a friend who's galavanting in south america, the lucky bastard. it was a catch-up email of sorts, the first one since he left. but as i wrote one paragraph, i thought it'd be reasonable to snag it and post it here (with subtle edits), seeing as it's been essentially all that's been on my mind for the last week. so here goes:

Vancouver could be great. It's just the vast majority of folks that make it seem dull and uninteresting. So to relieve boredom and frustration, I think I'm going to take a yoga instructor certification course. It means 3 months of no weekends, and a cost that would equal two trips to Europe and back, and it's totally going to make me poor for a few months, but I'm thinking that it's one of those things that will pay itself back, between being able to actually teach and earn money back (there's already people at my day job asking when I'll be offering classes at Ritchie Bros, so that's encouraging..), but more importantly teach and know I'm not doing damage to people, which is the real reason why I want to take the course. And then there's the fact that I can travel with it. A friend's been trying to convince me that it's gonna go along with my whole "desire to help folks" but I don't know how much I believe that one, to be honest, if only because sure, it'll help people in Vancouver and other places where stress rules supreme, but when it comes to going the places that I do want to go to, to do the volunteer work that I'd like to do, I can't see how yoga is going to be improving the world for people who need access to education, or to clean water. However, at the same time, that's other things that I want to do, but there's no reason why I can't do that afterwards. And right now, maybe I'd like to learn something that I can take with me, and then while I go off to Europe and live there awhile and find organisations to work with out there, this can be something to use on
the side, for fun and profit! At least, enough to get me by.


i think the frustration is coming from everyone who immediately assumes that i'm doing this because i want to make it my career. i don't. i like yoga. it's helped me a lot since i started it. it makes me feel good, it's making me trust my body more, it's making me learn how to centre and focus and to take some time to just be. which is hard to do here. and whenever i like something, i want to share it. (which can be read as wanting to prove to other people that it is truly awesome, but usually this pertains to music, and usually i have a damn good reason for telling you it's great, and you're a philistine to disagree.) but especially because it's working with the body, i want to know how to share it -- teach it -- correctly, so that i know people aren't gonna hurt themselves. when i was getting physio after my first knee surgery, i seriously considered switching into kinesiology because i was so impressed with my physiotherapist, and so thrilled by the prospect of being able to help people feel whole again. but i didn't. i have other things i want to do. and that's what's been frustrating me about this decision, is that there's lots of other things i want to do in life, and i don't know if this is the right one to be spending time, energy, and money on right now. but then again, it's three months. it's money. money returns. time goes by, but it's not like i'm going to be dead anytime soon. and there's a lot more i can work on afterwards. and if right now, i want to learn something that i can take with me when i travel, i want something that's going to help others feel good both mentally and physically.... so this works.


ironically, i left work hoping to make it to yoga class today. due to traffic and leaving a little too late, i missed the bus and therefore missed my yoga class. so instead i've sat in a cafe and thought about what to do, rather than doing what it is i think i want to do. yay for reflection time! but i think it's alright this way, too. the question is, will i lose the sarcastic edge as i learn to become a froofy yoga teacher? i hope not.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

consider this my plea for torrents and buckets and mounds of snow overnight, enough to cancel that whole "going to work" thing. i need time to think.

also, i kinda feel like nothing at the moment.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

on the way home tonight, all i wanted to do was come home and go to sleep, because i'm exhausted (again). it was a struggle to make it all the way to my final bus stop without falling asleep. but i'm a trooper. all i had to do was walk the final 7 blocks and i'd be home, but as i crossed broadway, i noticed a bunch of unmarked police cars, and a set of cones blockading the road south. there was one other person who got off at the same stop, and as we began our way down the street, a policeman came out of one car and asked us where we were going. the other guy answered first, saying he was going to his apartment.

"this one right here?"

"nope, the next one down."

"sorry sir, you can't go there right now. there's a man with a gun on the balcony and no one's allowed near there."

at this point, the guy who lived there started exclaiming how he knew he should have reported the gunman earlier because of things he'd overheard earlier in the week -- arguments and yelling but all in the same voice, bangs and crashes, things worthy of noise complaints. but the cop explained that they'd all been sitting around there for 6 hours now, trying to calm him down and bring him with them, or at least to relinquish the gun, i guess.

at this point he realised that me and otherdude weren't together, and asked me where i was going. after i told him, he told me that i could go through, but just walk on the other side of the road. so off i went, crossing the street, but as i walked by and saw a troop of bulletproofed cops walking back from the building, i looked up at the top balcony and saw the guy there looking out, presumably at the cops, i hope. and suddenly it dawned on me how close he was, and how i could see the gun in his hand, and fortunately it was at his side but it wouldn't take much for him to lift it up and point it at me, and would the giant umbrella i had with me seem like a target or something, and if this guy really was a little on the crazy side, how good would his aim be, and would he actually shoot at me, and would he be more likely to shoot at me if i was walking on his side of the street, and how i was beginning to feel like he was watching me, and is his hand still hanging down, or has he lifted it up now, i can't really tell, and . . .

i was walking pretty quickly at that point, just to get away from that scene. but after that rush of adrenaline and anxiety, so much for going straight to bed tonight.

Monday, February 19, 2007

generally i refuse to post silly quiz results. silly quizzes are fun to waste time with, but people generally don't care about it unless they're you.

however, this one made me laugh. a lot. so i post it.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

i did.

london sucks.

even if it is nice to waste a day catching up on email and talking to friends i haven't had contact with in awhile.

le sigh.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

so here's a twist you never expected:
i missed my flight back to london on wednesday, and am still in southern morocco.

unlike the other times that i've missed flights, however, i really didn't mean to this time. but times were closely cut and when i got to the checkin counter (after they dawdled for 15 minutes) they told me that it was too late, they'd closed the checkin 10 minutes ago, oh well! and that was when i realised how much i'd been looking forward to a nice long hot shower, a laundry machine, eating baguettes and nutella in bordeaux with ivana, and making tofu stirfry with rachel. and being able to understand what's being said all around me.

so i sat on the floor all upset for a few minutes and considered options. in the end, the price to go the same day really didn't seem worthwhile, so i headed off to an internet cafe with imad, booked a new flight, and headed back to agdz to spend a few more nights couchsurfing at his place and hanging out in one town that i really did like.

and sad as i am that i'm not in bordeaux right now, it's pretty good here in agdz. it's warm, it's friendly, i was just given couscous for lunch by the owners of the internet cafe just because, i'm hanging out with imad and his friends and other travellers on their way through the city, singing until late in the night, climbing through ruins of an old kasbah surrounded by palm trees, and seeing more stars than i've seen in years. and i almost don't want to leave for the airport again tomorrow night.

but i will. i should.

i hope.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

the moroccan king is stalking me.

- hung out amidst roman ruins, circa 2 or 3 AD; sountrack: birds, crickets, wind, and some school group singing and clapping.
- was shot by a martian ray gun. the perpetrator laughed when i fell to the ground in agony. his older sisters did, too.
- met friendly folks in moulay idriss, including a quick-talking kid keen to play tour guide, a gracious candy salesman, and ms hammam...
- trying out my first hammam, thanks in part to the only friendly french-speaker that happened to be there at the time. it was lovely.
- watched a runaway mule trying to make his way to freedom.
- saw an amazing sliver-moon (complete with a silhouette) with venus shimmering right beside it.
- wandered across a "yay, king!" concert.
- ate tasty nougat.
- made awesome stir-fry, which turned out to be hamza's first ever stir-fry.

so sleepy now.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

so london happened. and i spent hours fixing rachel's computer, which was finally better the night i left, after nearly a week of installing and reinstalling and cleaning and stuff. yay for being a computer geek (albeit not really like some of you guys). london was surprisingly warm. unsurprisingly not gripping. unsurprisingly a little frustrating. i still haven't been able to wrangle permission to interview gallery security guards. british bureaucracy seems to be all about "no".

did go down the slides, the current showpiece in the tate modern lobby. surprisingly anxiety-producing before we actually got on them and slid down. and then it was just plain fun. saw a london musical. managed not to kill myself. kinda even enjoyed it by the end, but agnes'll never believe that.

oxford was nicer. saw crazy things like totem poles (bought for $36). tried cider that isn't heated up apple juice for the first time, kinda like it. briefly played "follow that guy!" with agnes. we lost. learned the difference between beer and ale. and that it's not what it's called "out here". it just is what it is. my mistake.

and then back to london, lazy night of tasty made-up-fish-recipe food, and a night at the airport. met a scot-turned-canadian woman who was too buzzed to sleep, so she didn't let me close my eyes. artist woman, though, on her way to morocco for 2 months to carve stone. a bit of a journey for reflection. we discussed the pros and cons of art until our flight was called.

and now i'm in morocco. i need to learn arabic. people experiences have been mostly good, though the bad has somewhat tainted the good. i just need a few more days and all will be forgotten.

today i had a great lunch at a host's parents' place, saw many mules, saw a couple horses, wandered the medina in meknes, wound up in the middle of something religious (i think) and was blessed, got pulled into something going on in the grand square seeing as i was the only non-moroccan there (we danced, while he beat a drum), and i managed to learn a few more words in arabic. and in french. and it was hot. really hot. but i'm still doing my best to wear a sweater more often than not. it seems to make a difference.

gotta go, making dinner for my hosts tonight. go go couchsurfing! oh, and for the record, despite the MANY warnings i received, i have yet to get ill from the food or the water, and i have yet to be harassed by anyone trying to steal things from me. knock on wood. but people are just really nice here. it's great. and beautiful. just like everywhere.

what do you think so far? "it's beautiful!"

Sunday, January 07, 2007

clipping cats' toenails really isn't that difficult.

maybe i'm going to take tuesday off work afterall. i have more to do than i thought i did.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

yesterday k&a returned from the land of the french. canadians. a trio met them at the airport. we sat on a ledge wearing silly hats, grooving as we danced the axl rose dance until they noticed us. after waiting for luggage and waiting in lines and losing the hyper to the hungry, we finally got home much later than planned. too late to watch (and sing along to) Singin' in the Rain with its polish subtitles (which would have made our singing also polish). not too late to make omeletta con cheesio, blintzes, kosher sausages, juice, and fruit explosion pancakes with more fruit and ice cream and cinnamon. it was the best breakfast for dinner ever. shortly after, the kraken surfaced below the flaming lovers in the building, near the fellow with pants on fire, as the cthulhu silently watched from the side.

if this makes no sense, then you obviously still need to come visit me at my lovely home.

today i am fairly certain that i killed off a couple [hundred] brain cells or so. this newfangled faux-television (say it in the accent) is quickly becoming the bane of my existence.

but then i read the poetics of people i scarcely know and have never met, but whose intelligence and wit i have admired for many years. but haven't ever kept up on. only sporradically. often when i should be doing other things. often when laziness wins. but how can it be lazy when it's oh so invigorating?

today i was accidentally blunt in asking sensitive questions. i didn't know. if i'd realised that the whole situation was less than a day old, i'd never have been so direct about it. i don't think any offense was taken. but still.

today i also guilted a friend into not bringing her boyfriend to dinner. i didn't intend to do that. actally, secretly, i did intend to do that. but as soon as i hung up the phone i felt bad and told myself that it was unintentional and really only because i was too busy searching for her lost gift (which i never found). so in the end i got to have dinner with her alone. it was relatively uneventful. except for the whole "huzzah japanese food" thing.

and then there was that vaguely awkward meeting (interruption?) earlier this afternoon. fortunately i met karl's friend properly a few hours later. there's something about feeling hungry no more that makes a sarcastic mood seem invincible. the best part is when you convince everyone else around you that you can get away with it, too.

i haven't decided yet, but i may be in the throes of some bizarre form of manic depression at the moment. either way, it's certain general confusion, if nothing else.

finally, today marks the fourth day that i've been half-deaf due to a headcold making my ears pop. i am now accepting bets on when this goes away. winnings will be forwarded to the charity of your choice.