Thursday, September 28, 2006

yesterday we were talking about bad moods, the kind where you're wrapped up in your own perspectives, and someone in front of you makes a sudden turn or stands still because they're thinking of their own thing, and you walk into them or barely miss them because you had no warning, and it just pisses you off because that person is so wrapped up in themselves that they're completely oblivious that there was someone else walking behind them, how dare they. but you forget that they probably just simply didn't realise, or they were having their own conversations, and why should they be aware of people walking behind them anyways?

but i was explaining that that was the kind of bad mood i'd been in, where i was pissed off with people for being so wrapped up in themselves that they're not even noticing that other people around them have their own things going on too. but then i catch myself and remind myself that well, their things are important to them too, why should they be aware of and thinking like i do about things?

but you know what? fuck that. i'm sick of so many people being wrapped up in their own shit and not thinking outside of their own troubles. i know i do it too. and i hate it when i do it, but at least i'm trying to be conscious of it.

i think i've been fuckin gracious in a lot of ways lately, forgiving people for not being aware of what's outside their own personal blinders, trying to be understanding and appreciative of the fact that people have other things going on. and i know i've let out some of my troubles to people, and to those that have listened, i'm truly thankful. and i'm not pissed off because i really haven't had people there to listen to me. i'm pissed off because i've witheld a lot of my feelings and concerns lately, because i don't want to be self-absorbed. i'm pissed off because when i have expressed my thoughts to some people, they get trampled or ignored. i'm pissed off because i'm making big fuckin personal allowances in order to fit things in for other people because i know they have busy lives, but when i do, those allowances are taken for granted or totally dismissed or made completely pointless because the person i'm doing it for goes off and does their own thing instead. i'm pissed off because i'm trying to see things from others' perspectives, but i don't feel like anyone's doing that for me.

i rescheduled for you. i adjusted my things for you. i don't know if you realise this, but i have plans too, but i'm trying to work them out to help everyone else out too. maybe you don't think the things i'm working on are so important, but i do. and fuck you for not having the courtesy to actually make the time when i do, to actually listen to me when i'm making the effort to care about your things, to think a little bit beyond yourself.

i don't care if your conversation's grand. i don't care if you suddenly realised you made a wrong turn. there's other people around you, and they might be happy and they might be sad and they might be angry and they might be in pain, and the least you can do is remember that you're not the only person in this world and think before you stop short and make someone else's day a little more frustrating.
this morning i had a dream that i was at work and my boss had punted a bunch of medicine balls or some sort of heavy-laden balls up into the ceiling framework. one of them fell down and hit me on the head. he was really apologetic about it, but it didn't hurt too much, just made me feel a little fuzzy. he told me i could either get worker's comp because of the accident, or i could have a bunch of tickets to go see the circus.

i couldn't decide which one to choose.

the next thing i knew we were at some fancy restaurant along with a bunch of other people who seemed like all my friends' grandparents, eating green beans.

when the alarm went off a few minutes (or was it hours?) later, i still hadn't decided between WC money or circus tickets, even in the waking world. this perplexed me all day, in fact, especially when i came to the realisation that picking the money meant seriousness and doing things as they should be done, while picking the circus tickets meant just having fun and enjoying myself and being a kid. it did make me laugh out loud, though.

perhaps i'll tell my boss about it. perhaps i won't, because then i'll seem like a nutcase. but come on -- elephants!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

at the minneapolis airport, as you drive towards it from saint paul, there's this sign at the side of the road. when i first saw it, i honestly thought my mind was making things up. but i wasn't. so on the way to depart the lovely country of america, i had to snap a photo of it:


creepy.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

no more surgery. i'm bored of it. gotta find something new to pass my time. anaesthesiologist didn't prove herself to be better than the last guy. especially not with leaving me a hugely swollen back-of-the-hand that's gonna turn into a beautiful bruise. in fact, that's the part of me that hurts the most right now. that is why i'm taking advils. dr anderson's bedside manner was awesome, though, a million times warmer than knee-surgery dude. though now that scratchy throat's ten times worse than yesterday.

but. no more surgery. no more hospitals. no more IVs. this means no babies, but i can work with that.

in other news, mr mulder brought me kayaking on the weekend, and it was full of awesome. we went up indian arm, 32km+ after both ways, i was the slow wussy one but by day two i was better, there was sun, wind, rain, tides, crazy boaters, Cool Dudes (TM), wild bonfires that didn't follow BC wilderness regulations (according to david) that we were aware of but not-so-secretly jealous of, hot chocolate, omelettes, minty chocolate, bagels, waterfalls, swimming holes, many many seagull friends, brief local history lessons, seals, starfish, emo teenagers, spit, and getting to wear a toque for the first time this school year.

but no water fights. i guess that has to wait for next time.

if i'm lucky, the photos worked out. in all likelihood, however, my camera is broken. let's cross our fingers, shall we?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

i know i don't have the time, but i still wish i were volunteering for the vancouver film fest this year just for the guide. after scrolling through the pdf'd guide, i've picked out a mere 27 films that i want to see. only allowing myself to skim. and not allowing myself to pick ones that i suspect would get a wider release later on.

on the plus side, once the schedule's printed, that'll narrow it down a little more. but that said, i'm contemplating buying a student pass, ignoring the fact that $250 is enough to be somewhere else in the world for awhile. or any other amount of riches. but then i get to skip into films whenever i have off-time on evenings, weekends, and tuesday/thursday middays! and no having to work to do it!

yes, i'm hinting that this would be the most awesome birthday gift. no, i don't expect that anyone reading this will do anything about it. but, y'know, just saying.

go, ed. flaunt your volunteer pass. now's the time to do it. damn 8-4 job, hilltop drama, and academic european indulgences making it not worth the number of volunteer hours necessary for the pass!

but solomon is twisted up in his sleep nice and cute-like beside me on the bed, so i can pretend that that makes up for it.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

1. my glasses just broke. this means i'm effectively blind for the next three days, unless i decide to wear the frames without one arm, causing migraines. this ain't cool.

2. i just sent an email to someone i haven't spoken to in two years. haven't spoken to because of giant rifts that occurred between us. haven't spoken to because the last time we did communicate, i was told in no uncertain terms to never contact them again. haven't spoken to because i felt like if i were to contact them, it would be to gloat, to prove something, or to just be a snob. haven't spoken to because i felt like if they told me how well off they are, how content they are, or even just ignored me, i would feel upset for some reason. haven't spoken to because i didn't have the guts to write to them. haven't spoken to because i truly believe that they're the one that should be instigating contact after how they treated me, but i know that they never will because they probably think the ball's in my court. which it's not.

but right now i truly just miss their friendship, and i miss the person they were when we were friends. and if that person isn't around any longer, than that's fine. but at least i've now said goodbye to the person i did know, regardless how they've changed. if they write back, maybe it can be a fresh start. if they don't, i don't feel like i'm losing anything anymore.

3. the music playing matches my sentiments with gradual swells, strings, and drawn-out phrases. coupled with the waves outside, it's the perfect soundtrack to this moment.

4. i'm in a secluded cabin on lake superior. said secluded cabin does have satellite internet, but i refuse to do work out here, because if you can't have solitude when you're miles away from any towns, when can you have it? that said, i've still been doing a little work, but not much. it's the cabin belonging to my dad's girlfriend's family. it's beautiful. in my mind, i always imagined the great lakes to be ugly, barren, polluted, flat, and dull. in reality, the waves crash to the rocky shore constantly, the scenery is amazing and the trees are already beginning to change colour. there's squirrels, seagulls (lakegulls?), and i'm in some sort of heaven and i don't want to leave. but i have to. but i hope i can come back some day.

5. before being here, i've been in minneapolis and saint paul, visiting my dad and his girlfriend, lisa. strangely, i've had a harder time relating to my father than to lisa, even though this is the first time i'm spending time with them together (excluding a couple of meals together over the last couple years). she's a wonderful person. all the things that drive me nuts about my father are the things that she laughs, makes a sarcastic comment about, and then pats him on the shoulder saying "you're so cute!" it's not the way i'm used to seeing my father, and it's been a little strange. i'm enjoying myself, though. really.

6. there is no way that i will ever be able to relate the emotions that i've been going through this week. the memories that have been stirred up, the development of new relationships, the journeys i've gone on inside my head during travel time or alone time. it's been enlightening, satisfying, horrible, frustrating, exciting, relaxing, invigorating, and confusing all at once. i wish someone else were here with me -- a sibling, a friend, a lover -- that they might understand some of what's been going on. because i can explain things, but i'll never be able to properly convey it.

but maybe that's for the best.

7. for the first time since i was in elementary school, i had clothes bought for my by one of my parents. it wasn't too much, but it was enough. it allowed me to get a jacket that i'd never rationalise if it were my own money. for the first time ever, i got to feel the glee of having a parent help me look pretty. of course, he was on the phone talking work issues much of the time, and hardly spoke to me even when i was asking for a second opinion, and i ended up seeking opinions from random strangers in the store instead. but it's a start. my dad is slowly learning to be less stingy. slightly. after looking unhappy paying for my things (even though he'd already told me he'd buy them for me "as an early birthday present. birthday present!"), he still paused a few times on the way out of the stores to check out things that he was interested, without any show of concern for how much money he'd spend on himself. that's my dad. all about dad. but lisa's been surprisingly good at tempering him, reminding me that this week is about what i want to do, not me tagging along while he does what he wants to do. and other than the first day of tagging along while he went shoe shopping, everything's been pretty good.

8. right now, i feel like a little kid in a lot of ways. i feel justified in it, though, because i don't feel like i've been able to feel this way around a parent before.

9. last night i sat outside and watched the stars. when there's no other light, and you can see millions of stars in the sky, it's nearly oppressive. not in a bad way, of course. more like a big quilt pressing down, comforting you, reminding you that there's a lot more out there. the sky doesn't feel very far away anymore -- if you reach up high enough, maybe you'll be able to touch it.

maybe not.

then i began to imagine bears coming out of the woods, and convinced myself that it would be better to be indoors.

10. i can't even begin to describe how strange it is to see my father in an arguably healthy relationship. part of me feels like he's a stranger. part of me loves it. part of me begins to feel comfortable around it. part of me wonders how she can stand him, knowing all his bad sides like she does, and can't fathom why she'd stay with him. then i realise that that's how i feel about myself, and i hope that some day i learn to change that.