Thursday, September 28, 2006

yesterday we were talking about bad moods, the kind where you're wrapped up in your own perspectives, and someone in front of you makes a sudden turn or stands still because they're thinking of their own thing, and you walk into them or barely miss them because you had no warning, and it just pisses you off because that person is so wrapped up in themselves that they're completely oblivious that there was someone else walking behind them, how dare they. but you forget that they probably just simply didn't realise, or they were having their own conversations, and why should they be aware of people walking behind them anyways?

but i was explaining that that was the kind of bad mood i'd been in, where i was pissed off with people for being so wrapped up in themselves that they're not even noticing that other people around them have their own things going on too. but then i catch myself and remind myself that well, their things are important to them too, why should they be aware of and thinking like i do about things?

but you know what? fuck that. i'm sick of so many people being wrapped up in their own shit and not thinking outside of their own troubles. i know i do it too. and i hate it when i do it, but at least i'm trying to be conscious of it.

i think i've been fuckin gracious in a lot of ways lately, forgiving people for not being aware of what's outside their own personal blinders, trying to be understanding and appreciative of the fact that people have other things going on. and i know i've let out some of my troubles to people, and to those that have listened, i'm truly thankful. and i'm not pissed off because i really haven't had people there to listen to me. i'm pissed off because i've witheld a lot of my feelings and concerns lately, because i don't want to be self-absorbed. i'm pissed off because when i have expressed my thoughts to some people, they get trampled or ignored. i'm pissed off because i'm making big fuckin personal allowances in order to fit things in for other people because i know they have busy lives, but when i do, those allowances are taken for granted or totally dismissed or made completely pointless because the person i'm doing it for goes off and does their own thing instead. i'm pissed off because i'm trying to see things from others' perspectives, but i don't feel like anyone's doing that for me.

i rescheduled for you. i adjusted my things for you. i don't know if you realise this, but i have plans too, but i'm trying to work them out to help everyone else out too. maybe you don't think the things i'm working on are so important, but i do. and fuck you for not having the courtesy to actually make the time when i do, to actually listen to me when i'm making the effort to care about your things, to think a little bit beyond yourself.

i don't care if your conversation's grand. i don't care if you suddenly realised you made a wrong turn. there's other people around you, and they might be happy and they might be sad and they might be angry and they might be in pain, and the least you can do is remember that you're not the only person in this world and think before you stop short and make someone else's day a little more frustrating.

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