Sunday, September 03, 2006

1. my glasses just broke. this means i'm effectively blind for the next three days, unless i decide to wear the frames without one arm, causing migraines. this ain't cool.

2. i just sent an email to someone i haven't spoken to in two years. haven't spoken to because of giant rifts that occurred between us. haven't spoken to because the last time we did communicate, i was told in no uncertain terms to never contact them again. haven't spoken to because i felt like if i were to contact them, it would be to gloat, to prove something, or to just be a snob. haven't spoken to because i felt like if they told me how well off they are, how content they are, or even just ignored me, i would feel upset for some reason. haven't spoken to because i didn't have the guts to write to them. haven't spoken to because i truly believe that they're the one that should be instigating contact after how they treated me, but i know that they never will because they probably think the ball's in my court. which it's not.

but right now i truly just miss their friendship, and i miss the person they were when we were friends. and if that person isn't around any longer, than that's fine. but at least i've now said goodbye to the person i did know, regardless how they've changed. if they write back, maybe it can be a fresh start. if they don't, i don't feel like i'm losing anything anymore.

3. the music playing matches my sentiments with gradual swells, strings, and drawn-out phrases. coupled with the waves outside, it's the perfect soundtrack to this moment.

4. i'm in a secluded cabin on lake superior. said secluded cabin does have satellite internet, but i refuse to do work out here, because if you can't have solitude when you're miles away from any towns, when can you have it? that said, i've still been doing a little work, but not much. it's the cabin belonging to my dad's girlfriend's family. it's beautiful. in my mind, i always imagined the great lakes to be ugly, barren, polluted, flat, and dull. in reality, the waves crash to the rocky shore constantly, the scenery is amazing and the trees are already beginning to change colour. there's squirrels, seagulls (lakegulls?), and i'm in some sort of heaven and i don't want to leave. but i have to. but i hope i can come back some day.

5. before being here, i've been in minneapolis and saint paul, visiting my dad and his girlfriend, lisa. strangely, i've had a harder time relating to my father than to lisa, even though this is the first time i'm spending time with them together (excluding a couple of meals together over the last couple years). she's a wonderful person. all the things that drive me nuts about my father are the things that she laughs, makes a sarcastic comment about, and then pats him on the shoulder saying "you're so cute!" it's not the way i'm used to seeing my father, and it's been a little strange. i'm enjoying myself, though. really.

6. there is no way that i will ever be able to relate the emotions that i've been going through this week. the memories that have been stirred up, the development of new relationships, the journeys i've gone on inside my head during travel time or alone time. it's been enlightening, satisfying, horrible, frustrating, exciting, relaxing, invigorating, and confusing all at once. i wish someone else were here with me -- a sibling, a friend, a lover -- that they might understand some of what's been going on. because i can explain things, but i'll never be able to properly convey it.

but maybe that's for the best.

7. for the first time since i was in elementary school, i had clothes bought for my by one of my parents. it wasn't too much, but it was enough. it allowed me to get a jacket that i'd never rationalise if it were my own money. for the first time ever, i got to feel the glee of having a parent help me look pretty. of course, he was on the phone talking work issues much of the time, and hardly spoke to me even when i was asking for a second opinion, and i ended up seeking opinions from random strangers in the store instead. but it's a start. my dad is slowly learning to be less stingy. slightly. after looking unhappy paying for my things (even though he'd already told me he'd buy them for me "as an early birthday present. birthday present!"), he still paused a few times on the way out of the stores to check out things that he was interested, without any show of concern for how much money he'd spend on himself. that's my dad. all about dad. but lisa's been surprisingly good at tempering him, reminding me that this week is about what i want to do, not me tagging along while he does what he wants to do. and other than the first day of tagging along while he went shoe shopping, everything's been pretty good.

8. right now, i feel like a little kid in a lot of ways. i feel justified in it, though, because i don't feel like i've been able to feel this way around a parent before.

9. last night i sat outside and watched the stars. when there's no other light, and you can see millions of stars in the sky, it's nearly oppressive. not in a bad way, of course. more like a big quilt pressing down, comforting you, reminding you that there's a lot more out there. the sky doesn't feel very far away anymore -- if you reach up high enough, maybe you'll be able to touch it.

maybe not.

then i began to imagine bears coming out of the woods, and convinced myself that it would be better to be indoors.

10. i can't even begin to describe how strange it is to see my father in an arguably healthy relationship. part of me feels like he's a stranger. part of me loves it. part of me begins to feel comfortable around it. part of me wonders how she can stand him, knowing all his bad sides like she does, and can't fathom why she'd stay with him. then i realise that that's how i feel about myself, and i hope that some day i learn to change that.

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