in the meantime, however, i've been put on this:
Provera. not to be confused with Depo-Provera, which involves needles and spends a long time in your system once you start it and is generally considered by me to be gross. apparently estrogen is metabolised by the liver, and because of that whole hep-b thing, the doctor isn't comfortable giving me regular birth control, which is made up of a bit of progesterone, and a bit of estrogen. the estrogen usually balances out the negative side effects that are caused by the progesterone. this means, then that i'm kinda on a low dosage of birth control, with all the bad side effects and nothing to balance them out.
and i can tell.
i've been taking them for a little over a half-month now. at first i was scared to take them because i thought my mood would become horrible and i'd snap at everyone, but it actually seemed to go the other way -- i don't think i'd been in as exuberant, extroverted, joyful mood in a really long time. but now it's gone the other way, and i'm snappy and curt with a lot of people, and if you take some frustrations out on me at the wrong time i'm liable to be biting back the instinct to cry, knowing that there's no reason for it, but unable to stop it.
oh. and i don't think i've eaten so many big meals in a long time. yet if i don't eat them, i'm ready to collapse, so seems to me that rather than my appetite just increasing, my body actually needs more food than usual. no?
but it goes in waves. and i'm starting to figure them out. the whole thing really makes me question general emotions and, well, even thoughts. because i know that seeing those dirty dishes would usually piss me off, it's true, but i won't usually act all bitter and angry and passive-aggressive. it doesn't make sense to me that i start to close meself off from people that i like, and act all 6-years-old and "i can do it better than you can but i'll do it wordlessly because that just proves how much cooler i am and how dare you even think that you could have known where that house was without me?" no, makes no sense.
that's the point. if a couple little blue pills, taken daily, changes my perceptions and thoughts that much, what the hell are millions of women doing taking those regularly? if nothing else, it validates chemical imbalance as an fair explanation for moods, because 10mg isn't much, and it makes perfect sense that being a few molecules short inside can make a person wig out.
but even if it's validated, it doesn't excuse it. i know i'm acting unreasonably, even while it happens. during, i don't care, but afterwards, i feel stupid for it, and i'm gonna explain it and, if warranted, apologise for it. because it's only fair.
which is why it pisses me off that other people who may very well just be under even just some stress can't be bothered to explain and apologise for themselves. hate to say it, but you're not the centre of the world, and your bad mood might have passed, but the insult and injury that came out of it is still around, and people are only willing to shrug it off so many times.
so my trial run of provera is on for another half-month. if i'm mean to you in that time, i'm sure i'm sorry. i will say, some of the other side-effects like allowing me to rationalise having more fun and some new weird drive for accomplishing the things i usually postponed indefinitely are kinda nice. so right now, despite the mood swings, the pills have something going for them. i don't know if i'll choose to abandon them next month or not, yet!