Wednesday, July 26, 2006

it's either ed wood films or dada vaudvillian theatre and short films this friday night. i honestly don't know which one to go with yet. both look like fun. one is definitely cheaper. but do i care? see, i just don't know!

who's interested in either one?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

[if i wrote it all out, i'd probably be a bitch, so it's in shorthand, and dull as all hell. enjoy!]

5 frustrating things:
- "it wasn't me", particularly when it's not really about a one-time problem. (yes, diego, i do understand that frustration)
- dirty dishes
- meetings meetings meetings, especially on thursday, when i was going to go away
- "no cats allowed"
- the inability to even try to think of doing things because it would make those other peoples' lives easier

5 better things:
- butoh on the beach on sunday
- meeting Miss T of Miss T's fame
- using up diego's fish marinade on perfectly-done sole
- having to use spanish during work three times today
- putting on nail polish, watching a frivolous movie, and drinking tea at 1:30am

5 inspiring things:
- convoluted anime
- the sorcerer's apprentice
- frivolous yet finely-detailed films
- late-night radio interviews
- other peoples' blogs

5 things to do tomorrow:
- paperwork
- wedding photography
- see HAP at the Summer Dreams Reading Festival (wedding prep time permitting)
- write for a half hour before getting out of bed
- not die of dehydration and heat exhaustion

i wish that for once i wouldn't make compromises, and just say/do/get what i think i deserve. i wish i weren't motivated by guilt so often. and i wish i could allow myself to ignore the worrier part of my personality. because it's really getting boring.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

so it turns out that i may be one of the lucky 10% of women to have this. endometriosis. how fun! unfortunately the only way to properly diagnose it is to have a laparoscopy, involving scopes in my abdomen, which, as you can imagine, i am thrilled about.

in the meantime, however, i've been put on this:

Provera. not to be confused with Depo-Provera, which involves needles and spends a long time in your system once you start it and is generally considered by me to be gross. apparently estrogen is metabolised by the liver, and because of that whole hep-b thing, the doctor isn't comfortable giving me regular birth control, which is made up of a bit of progesterone, and a bit of estrogen. the estrogen usually balances out the negative side effects that are caused by the progesterone. this means, then that i'm kinda on a low dosage of birth control, with all the bad side effects and nothing to balance them out.

and i can tell.

i've been taking them for a little over a half-month now. at first i was scared to take them because i thought my mood would become horrible and i'd snap at everyone, but it actually seemed to go the other way -- i don't think i'd been in as exuberant, extroverted, joyful mood in a really long time. but now it's gone the other way, and i'm snappy and curt with a lot of people, and if you take some frustrations out on me at the wrong time i'm liable to be biting back the instinct to cry, knowing that there's no reason for it, but unable to stop it.

oh. and i don't think i've eaten so many big meals in a long time. yet if i don't eat them, i'm ready to collapse, so seems to me that rather than my appetite just increasing, my body actually needs more food than usual. no?

but it goes in waves. and i'm starting to figure them out. the whole thing really makes me question general emotions and, well, even thoughts. because i know that seeing those dirty dishes would usually piss me off, it's true, but i won't usually act all bitter and angry and passive-aggressive. it doesn't make sense to me that i start to close meself off from people that i like, and act all 6-years-old and "i can do it better than you can but i'll do it wordlessly because that just proves how much cooler i am and how dare you even think that you could have known where that house was without me?" no, makes no sense.

that's the point. if a couple little blue pills, taken daily, changes my perceptions and thoughts that much, what the hell are millions of women doing taking those regularly? if nothing else, it validates chemical imbalance as an fair explanation for moods, because 10mg isn't much, and it makes perfect sense that being a few molecules short inside can make a person wig out.

but even if it's validated, it doesn't excuse it. i know i'm acting unreasonably, even while it happens. during, i don't care, but afterwards, i feel stupid for it, and i'm gonna explain it and, if warranted, apologise for it. because it's only fair.

which is why it pisses me off that other people who may very well just be under even just some stress can't be bothered to explain and apologise for themselves. hate to say it, but you're not the centre of the world, and your bad mood might have passed, but the insult and injury that came out of it is still around, and people are only willing to shrug it off so many times.

so my trial run of provera is on for another half-month. if i'm mean to you in that time, i'm sure i'm sorry. i will say, some of the other side-effects like allowing me to rationalise having more fun and some new weird drive for accomplishing the things i usually postponed indefinitely are kinda nice. so right now, despite the mood swings, the pills have something going for them. i don't know if i'll choose to abandon them next month or not, yet!

Monday, July 10, 2006

for the last month i've been spending (wasting?) a lot of time watching the FIFA world cup. but as of today, it's over. suddenly, i'm going to have more time, but i can assure you already that i won't even know it, and it'll quickly be filled up by something new. in fact, i'm already on my way doing that -- my planner for this week is already booked up by trivial and not-so-trivial events that seem to stop me from doing anything.

but i know that i'll probably get most of those things done, and a surprising amount more. julie and i have started what she calls Life Club. it began as a way for us to set goals and actually make sure they get done, because we're holding each other accountable. i don't know how well it's working. i'm getting things done, and i suppose that the plus side of this is that i'm acknowledging what i do get done, but i'm not necessarily working on my List O' Things.

[i do, however, deserve a pat on the back for yesterday. y'see, i've intended to write and mail postcards since february. i had them tucked into my books. they were already addressed. they were even part-started. but i never finished them. until yesterday! now the challenge is finding a couple overseas stamps to send them off. with luck, the addressees still live at the same places now.]

[yay, sarah! pat pat pat. next time try to do it in a day, instead of 6 months.]

but back to the point. which isn't very clear right now, because i have so many points that need to be made, and so many stories to tell. so many! but let's try to focus. world cup. yes.

for the last month, since coming back from montreal, i've been following the cup as much as i could. in some respects, i lost a bit of what some might call a "life". in other respects, my "life" just got extended into the morning hours. i watching games ridiculously often, bonded with friends and strangers over a bad call, explained the offside rule again and again, and grinned like a fool whenever i saw a flag, a jersey, anything as i made my way down the Drive, because in that tiny little way, we shared something, those strangers and i. every day, it was as though i was in another country -- different flags, different cheers, different languages, though often the same people. it was the closest i could get to travelling, really.

but now the world cup is over. i cheered for portugal ... they lost. i cheered for germany ... they lost. i cheered for togo ... well, you couldn't expect them to do anything but lose, really. i cheered for france ... they lost. i'm sorry, guys, i'm obviously a curse. next time, i'll root for those drama queen italians, we'll see what happens then. sorry italians, though your food is lovely and your music divine, i still wanted someone else to win that little golden trophy. but kudos to you, you still made it in the end!

today i watched the game at joe's cafe, in front of the television that usually acted as my home, with most of the crew i'd watch the games with. and peter and i even shared the chair -- a fitting way to end our world cup experience, he pointed out. and while i'll miss seeing the games every morning, and having a stock excuse to spend time with certain folks, i'm sadder that i won't have that little bond with absolute strangers anymore. i don't even know if i'd recognise Miss Portugal Fan without her flag, scarf, makeup, and worried looks during the games. i won't get to hear Mr Congo's factoids and cheers next week. that dude sitting by the wall, Mr Loud who showed up at every single game and even had his own home-made bucket/drum/tambourine/thingemabob with all of "his" teams on it? i might see you walk down the street, but that's about it. i won't get to learn portuguese trivia from tony, making cracks about the british CN Tower. no more "deutschland!" when i see a little flag, no more jerseys as i bike down the drive, no more parties shutting down the road, i'm going to miss all of it.

want to know what one of the nicest moments was, though? it was the day i was standing in line to get a drink at joe's, just waiting, during one of the busy games -- could have even been a portugal match. and while i was waiting there, the fellow working at the bar glanced over and saw me, and called out "hot chocolate, right!" -- my drink of choice.* i was too surprised and thrilled to order the cappuccino that had been on my mind -- i was a regular! and even today, during the game, Drive Tourists were passed over so that i could be served first. this isn't a personal celebration of the fact that i'm special. well, maybe a little. but not because i'm more hardcore than you. just that the cup became my thing, and even though i didn't necessarily commit to a team all the way through, i still committed to the cup. and had an awesome month doing it.

so to Dude Who Sat Beside Me And Kept Trying To Show Off How Much He Deserved To Be There By Making Endless References To How He'd Seen "Most Of The Games" And Should Write A Book About It, and, in fact, to a lot of the Drive Tourists who showed up for that one game, taking away seats from the people who live around here, i'm glad you enjoyed it. i hope you had fun following it. but for chrissakes, don't act like you're so much more holier than thou because you hauled your yuppie selves all the way from the west end to live the bohemian faux-european lifestyle for one morning, proving how utterly awesome you are. you're a pain. you're rude. you're obnoxious. contrary to your perceptions, you don't have a god-given right to boss people around and have things your way. and strangely, there's more people out there than just li'l ol' you who's watched most of the games. a lot more. so please, just shut up and enjoy the game with everyone.

to the people -- tourists or not -- who showed up, didn't take up more than their fair share of physical and metaphorical space, and just had fun with the festivities, nice to have you around. who knew that such a small space could roar like a stadium?

* * * * *

i'm sure i'm sorry that this isn't better-written. trying to fit in too many ideas, don't have the patience to do a proper job of it. at least this makes some space for the next few ideas that are clamouring to be written another day.

i also just (re?)discovered that i have the rarest bloodtype. so rare that people make patches for O- bloodtypes so that we can show it off with pride and honour (and so that if we suddenly die they can harvest it, i suppose). hawt. too bad i can't share my blood!