if i said that i'd been meaning to blog for the last few weeks, would you care?
this morning my hair was absolutely perfect, if i'd been a 17-year-old depressed emo guy. if i were, i'd probably have written a miserable poem and posted it on my livejournal, too. however, as i'm not any of those adjectives, i pulled it back into pigtails instead, and played the 6-year-old carefree youngun.
it seemed to help my mood.
because for some reason, i woke up angry this morning. not punch-someone-in-the-face angry, but frustrated angry, the kind where everything everyone else does just pushed your buttons even if they're not even doing anything at all. i didn't like how he was peeling his orange. i didn't like her for pushing off work. i hated him for not even slowing down when i tried to cross the road. i think it was stress leftover (and building up) from the last few weeks. that cumulated yesterday with the announcement that i'm moving out, which started a domino effect ending with the entire honey house disbanding by september.
which irked me, because i wanted to be gone by august, but if everyone is leaving, it doesn't seem fair to leave a month earlier and leave everyone with higher rent. so instead i could . . . rent two places at once? not an ideal choice. instead, i'll likely be subletting my room for a month. [if anyone is interested in spending august by trout lake, do contact me!]
there's so much i should be writing out right now. like hey, sarah, how was that trip to ottawa? tell us about the hippie commune in montreal! teach us how to release our hips and chests and feel absolutely phenomenal! regale us with tales of inspiration and awe and ideas you came up with!
write about how you were so inspired, and then came home just to watch that inspiration dissipate into the great beyond, as your mind got muddled and fuzzy until you spent hours this morning flipping through job postings, not feeling like any of them were right for you, but feeling that you should apply for every single one because right now you're the classic example of a failure, even though you specifically chose to not get a job right now! blather on about how all this time you should have been developing yourself, doing all these projects and plans that get pushed off because you don't have time, only now you haven't done a single thing because you spend the time feeling like you should be making money, rather than allowing yourself to just be!
instead, because it's late, i leave all those things up there as ideas, strings of thoughts that lead to something far more interesting, but which sound rather dull and selfish as they are.
instead, i'll say that today, after putting up with fuzziness and sadness and confusion and the inability to do anything because i couldn't even think, i discovered that the cure for this sort of mundane stressful freakout is apparently caffeine. who'd have guessed, that the way to calm down and relax my mind, to make it let go of everything that's worrying me, is to charge it with extreme energy in the form of an icy, tasty, chocolatey mocha with whipped cream on top, while roasting in the sunshine. suddenly, everything becomes clear.
and i end up sitting here awake at 2:31. but i suppose everything has its downside, afterall.