Friday, June 30, 2006

a few days ago a friend of mine was playing a game, of sorts, as we talked. he was imagining what it would feel like to be me, judging by my posture, my comments, and my appearance, rather than projecting his reality onto me. (we both like to think and over-analyse, life is more fun when the little things become monstrous.)

so, what's it like to be me right now, then? i baited him with a certain degree of skepticism.

he paused for a moment, thinking.

for you, everything is fun, but it feels fragile at the same time, he said.

all i could do was sit there and smile, while trying very hard not to let tearful emotion get the better of me. he couldn't have defined it any more poetically.

unless he'd added one more syllable. then it would have been a haiku.
if i said that i'd been meaning to blog for the last few weeks, would you care?

this morning my hair was absolutely perfect, if i'd been a 17-year-old depressed emo guy. if i were, i'd probably have written a miserable poem and posted it on my livejournal, too. however, as i'm not any of those adjectives, i pulled it back into pigtails instead, and played the 6-year-old carefree youngun.

it seemed to help my mood.

because for some reason, i woke up angry this morning. not punch-someone-in-the-face angry, but frustrated angry, the kind where everything everyone else does just pushed your buttons even if they're not even doing anything at all. i didn't like how he was peeling his orange. i didn't like her for pushing off work. i hated him for not even slowing down when i tried to cross the road. i think it was stress leftover (and building up) from the last few weeks. that cumulated yesterday with the announcement that i'm moving out, which started a domino effect ending with the entire honey house disbanding by september.

which irked me, because i wanted to be gone by august, but if everyone is leaving, it doesn't seem fair to leave a month earlier and leave everyone with higher rent. so instead i could . . . rent two places at once? not an ideal choice. instead, i'll likely be subletting my room for a month. [if anyone is interested in spending august by trout lake, do contact me!]

there's so much i should be writing out right now. like hey, sarah, how was that trip to ottawa? tell us about the hippie commune in montreal! teach us how to release our hips and chests and feel absolutely phenomenal! regale us with tales of inspiration and awe and ideas you came up with!

write about how you were so inspired, and then came home just to watch that inspiration dissipate into the great beyond, as your mind got muddled and fuzzy until you spent hours this morning flipping through job postings, not feeling like any of them were right for you, but feeling that you should apply for every single one because right now you're the classic example of a failure, even though you specifically chose to not get a job right now! blather on about how all this time you should have been developing yourself, doing all these projects and plans that get pushed off because you don't have time, only now you haven't done a single thing because you spend the time feeling like you should be making money, rather than allowing yourself to just be!

instead, because it's late, i leave all those things up there as ideas, strings of thoughts that lead to something far more interesting, but which sound rather dull and selfish as they are.

instead, i'll say that today, after putting up with fuzziness and sadness and confusion and the inability to do anything because i couldn't even think, i discovered that the cure for this sort of mundane stressful freakout is apparently caffeine. who'd have guessed, that the way to calm down and relax my mind, to make it let go of everything that's worrying me, is to charge it with extreme energy in the form of an icy, tasty, chocolatey mocha with whipped cream on top, while roasting in the sunshine. suddenly, everything becomes clear.

and i end up sitting here awake at 2:31. but i suppose everything has its downside, afterall.

Monday, June 19, 2006

today was a good day. there wasn't a lot accomplished. but a lot of milling about. all in all, rather lovely. rather than a real post, however, i'll put up a picture from today's poorly-named, possibly-overdone, commercial drive festival. it seems to sum up a lot of what's been going on for me lately. in full metaphorical manner.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

not dead. just busy.

and in ottawa! national c/c radio conference is this week. starts today. schedule's insane, but intriguing. since arriving here, i've walked a lot, gotten a tan again, gone through the parliament buildings having inappropriate conversations the whole time, sat in on question period in the house of commons (the infantile namecalling and answering-without-answering felt so familiar), walked right past jack layton in the hallway, crossed over the hull, heard a lot of french, spoken some french, found out that it's the ottawa dance festival and made a fortuitous connection with someone who works there who's gotten me into one show free and hinted that she could do it again if there's anything else i have time to see, found out about a bodac-y like group out here, spread some word about bodac, signed up to volunteer at the world peace forum when i'm back (because i don't have enough to do), met strange people, discussed philosophy with charismatic hull-types over indian food.

and on the way here i met a guy who designs the plane walkways that let you get into a plane nice and warm and dry, and i finally saw an episode of Alias, so i maybe kinda understand what people rave on about.

fun fun fun!