Thursday, March 09, 2006

look, it's me. no, it's not a picture. it's test results. strangely, they don't use the word "flighty". or "flaky".

speaking of which. yesterday i spent too long at eagle ridge hospital. it was for preadmissions x-rays. their machine was being fixed, so i spent 45 minutes (after filling out forms) pacing about trying to calm myself and doing everything i could to not think of needles and IVs and waking up in a fog and shivering and crying and feeling nauseas and blood tests and more needles....it was a losing battle. while i was pacing, though, a school field trip came by -- my guess is they were grade 1s.

"this is the laboratory! do you know what a laboratory is?" some kid mentioned crazy experiments. but what was more fun was watching all the confused, quiet kids, the three girls who were obviously best friends holding hands tightly, the little kids who "fell off the train", everyone's hands reaching to the sky when they were asked "do you know what 'pretend' is?" and reciting together that "it's when it's not real!"

and then there were the tough kids who were disappointed that the blood tests were only going to be make believe.

made me realise that i really do have a ridiculous phobia. there's no way in hell i'd be happy to be one of those kids, even though they were getting to explore all the cool parts of the hospital. i'd be freaking out inside.

and this is why meeting with the aenesthesiologist and surgeon next week is going to be the most traumatic experience of the last two years. possibly more, because this time i know what to expect. which i think might be worse.

i feel like i haven't moved anywhere in the last two years. there's a lot that's changed, of course, but overall i feel more like i've been stepping backwards and can hardly handle anything anymore. which isn't actually the case.

but i still feel that way.

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