i'm scared about tuesday. really scared. so scared that i can't really sleep well anymore. so scared that i'm having nightmares, which are not very common for me. like, less than 7 in my whole life uncommon. but this morning was super fun -- two in a row! one of them was the vague, no-reason-for-it scary sort of dream. but the other one was just fucked up.
i was in some place that was vaguely hostel-like -- it had bunk beds though it was mostly empty. i knew that i was there for my knee surgery, but was biding time until that happened. i was working on one of the beds, and titus and mr anas cam up (i think it was them). they asked me some thing, and i was answering them. while we were talking, though, gavin came in the room, briefcase and all, and somehow i knew he was there to put me to sleep before surgery, but i didn't acknowledge him and tried to ignore him. instead, i was focusing on the conversations with the other two. gavin came around, holding a needle, and suddenly jabs it in my shoulder, and even though i knew they were trying to do this so that i'd be distracted and it "wouldn't be so bad", my stomach was in knots and i was crying out and absolutely panicking, even though it was seconds before i was out. and as i went unconscious in the dream, i woke up in real life feeling absolutely terrified, panicking, tense, and awful.
solo was asleep beside me on the bed, and all he did was look over at me, and curl up and sleep some more. so much for cats being aware of when their owner's upset.
i hope to god gavin doesn't end up being my anaesthesiologist on tuesday, despite his well-intentioned distraction methods.