Friday, March 31, 2006

(i know it's old news, i know i knew it years back, i don't care. it's a cheer-y'all-up post.)

i wanted to put a clip from "Sweden, Heaven and Hell" here, but it doesn't seem to exist online (yet). so imagine a scene of lesbian BDSM (apparently the scene for which this song was first written) with . . .

oh muppets, the levels you had!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

this is for you!

s'only there for a week OR a certain number of downloads, so first come first serve!
tonight's dinner: steamed green beans, turnip, and carrots, homemade beef stew, homemade fries, and homemade french onion soup.

this is one reason why i'm content to stay in coquitlam awhile longer.

today in the waiting room i shared a mutual appreciation (love?) for q-tips. both of us agree, you just can't feel clean until the insides of your ears are clean too!

also also:
i never realised it before, but i have the Hot Doctor. kinda like george clooney or dr mcdreamy. difference is, i don't really care either way. but i overheard women gushing about how attractive he is not one, not two, but more than three times. i dunno. he's nice. he's young-ish. he's got bright sparkly eyes. but more importantly, he rescued my knee and my cartilidge. a couple times now. so that's why i like him.

(and i like the fact that everyone stumbles over his name, but it just rolls of my tongue. like butter. kinda like panago, but nicer!)

also also also:
i may like my surgeon. but i'm frustrated as all hell that i've got to stay on crutches for the next THREE (3) weeks. though i just had an epiphany in the shower: we've got barstools that never get used in the basement of the honey house. maybe i'll bring one up to the kitchen so's i can cook and eat right in there. it means potentially having to put up with a remarkably dirty eating space at times, but maybe (hopefully) the passive-aggressive leaving-the-stool-in-the-kitchen will be a bit of a reminder that lucky me, i can't carry my dishes elsewhere in the house to eat, so please leave me at least a bit of clean space!

or i can just stay at my mom's house some more. cuz as mentioned before, i will not eat better anywhere else in the world. for serious. now if only solo were here too.

goddamnit, though, i hate not being able to walk properly. anyone with crutch experience want to tell me how they keep their whole body from tilting sideways? cuz my posture's already going out of whack.

also also also also:
on the plus side, i have three more weeks to secretly pretend that i'm some dali-esque giraffe creature with unbending sticks for front legs. it's almost graceful, really, except when one leg slips out because someone left some paper on the floor, or because i get too over-eager and start trying to gallop by stepping with my back (wounded) foot before the crutches are down.

my secret giraffe identity doesn't have a sound, yet. i don't know what kind of noise giraffes make. i suspect i sound similar, though. but maybe a little whinier.

also also also also also:
maybe this is the month that i learn to accept some of my crazy. maybe this is also the month that i learn that i won't ever be perfect, but that i'll be good enough. maybe doesn't mean will. but maybe means maybe.

maybe that's good enough.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

good day, bad day. got to chat with rahul for the first time in months. got to talk to dj buttertart in not-quite-as-long-a-time. only had to have one tylenol -- this whole "rest" thing might actually be useful, y'know? got (sought) assurances that it's okay to be resting still. found aspects of myself through television shows. did some work. realised i'm very behind in something i didn't even realise was going on still. opened up way too many cans of worms and overwhelmed a stranger with them. realised that i didn't bounce back near as quickly as i remembered last time i had surgery. used mockery and cynicism as self-defense. helped a friend quit a job that's killing her. confessed some things to my sister, who tried to suggest solutions. agreed that lists are useful. found a [theoretically] great new place to live, which started me thinking about what the hell i'm actually going to do in a few weeks' time. got depressed. missed my cat.

all of this from the comfort of the bed. at least there's a pretty view and a big window. and it smelled nice outside what with the rain and all.

i know that everyone's got their troubles and problems and their own version of crazy, but i really wish i believed that, and believed that mine wasn't worse than everyone else's. or, at least, i wish i had people to admit mine to without feeling like a whining idiot.

maybe tomorrow i find out i don't need crutches much longer. maybe maybe maybe!

Monday, March 20, 2006

new layout. after more than 2 years. it's not bug-free outside explorer yet, sorry, but it's there as much as it'll be, and agnes is here now. so more later.

in honour of the new layout:

Sunday, March 19, 2006

just over two years ago, this happened.

and wasn't that so much fun! in my mind i was up and doing things a couple days after the surgery. apparently that wasn't the case, though. which has honestly surprised me.

so this time! this time, SO much better. despite getting extremely upset and terrified beforehand. and while waiting at the hospital. and waiting while they slipped some other patient in before me because she was diabetic and couldn't wait for her scheduled time. and while they tried to insist that i have a sedative, when that was just making it worse.

the anaesthesiologist asked me if i'd had any problems with anaesthetic before. "nothing other than i hate it." and he actually asked me why and i don't know if he listened or not, but waking up this time round was MUCH better. so much. and he didn't try to pretend he wasn't doing anything when he was putting me to sleep, either. told me exactly what he was doing, told me what i was going to be feeling, and somehow that made it better, not worse. see? my terror is related to now knowing what's going on. it's a deep, complex kind of terror. at any rate, as the stinging, tingling feeling of anaesthetic started creeping up my arm (after he told me it would come), he told me to think of something relaxing, because usually people have that thought when they wake up.

my mind went blank. i couldn't think of anything relaxing. y'know that moment when your life flashes before your eyes? that's sorta what happened. work, school, prague, last-time's-surgery, the last few hours, happy little 5-yr-old sarah who had no clue any of this would happen, that fantasy i have where i wish i were just a baby lying in a crib imagining what my life'll be like (stupid baby has serious issues), but nothing relaxing. so i finally grabbed at a car-ad version of a beautifully calm field (death dancing in the background, so happy together!). and then i was gone.

waking up, i was a little cold. i remember the surgeon telling me things, but i don't know how well my memory knows it. if i wasn't dreaming, i actually still have my cartilidge in there, they didn't take it out afterall. that'd be a thrill!

so i came home to coquitlam. and am still there. because y'know what i've realised? if you're on crutches because you really actually need them, and can't put weight on one leg, you can't carry anything. and by anything, i'm talking about a plate of food, a bowl of cereal, a glass of juice . . . it's a little problematic. so i could go back to the honey house, sit around doing not-a-helluva-lot, and either have to eat standing up on one leg which kinda goes counter to the whole "keep your leg elevated" thing or resign myself to starving, or i can stay here where there's at least one out of four people around to help me out and carry things from room to room. s'funny the things you take for granted.

here's the amazing bit, though. first night? i took 0 painkillers. took some homeopathic anti-inflammatory stuff that was recommended to me, but no painkillers. it was fine. second day, had to start on tylenols and oxycocet. thursday, just oxycocet because then it really hurt. yesterday, not so much. but that's in part because i was kinda weirded out by feeling dizzy and spacey most of the day, despite having had no drugs. kinda scared me, really. today, back to no painkillers yet. probably in the afternoon -- that's how it seems to go.

even so, i haven't accomplished much. watched an entire season of buffy in one day. caught up on scrubs. did some cjsf work, a bit of schoolwork, some sfss work. but mostly just sitting about because i can't concentrate on anything. it took me 5 days to write this out. and it's not so good sitting up at a computer because the knee starts to hurt more.

my crowning achievement? having a shower and washing my hair yesterday without getting the dressing on my knee wet. it's nice to feel 75% clean, poor leg having to feel left out! and i really miss coquitlam water. makes my hair so much nicer. it's not my imagination, there's something in the pipes at the honey house that just doesn't let me feel entirely clean -- i just get used to it when i'm there.

otherwise, i'm just getting cabin fever. and trying not to look at the prick on my hand where the IV was. i was complaining to my grandma how bored i was. "well," she said, "you're always running around and doing so much, you must be going crazy having to just sit there!" and that's exactly it. but you know what? i nearly tried to go to work this week. until the nurse gave me a really dirty look for even suggesting trying to work. and until i realised that the dr's prescription of "little to no weight on that leg" doesn't mean using crutches all the time, it means sitting with the leg up and not doing anything, because moving a bunch is actually going to ruin some of the work he did in there. (i also know this because i just tried to see how much weight i could bear to put on that leg, and paid for it in pain dollars. i'm stupid, it's true.)

so . . . yeah. hi. i had surgery. it was better this time round. i still don't want to do it again. feel free to call and say hi, because i'm pretty bored. and not in concentration-mode yet. unless i can get grim fandango to start working. or if ilam brings the next season of buffy by. then i might have something brainless to do. briefly.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

i'm scared about tuesday. really scared. so scared that i can't really sleep well anymore. so scared that i'm having nightmares, which are not very common for me. like, less than 7 in my whole life uncommon. but this morning was super fun -- two in a row! one of them was the vague, no-reason-for-it scary sort of dream. but the other one was just fucked up.

i was in some place that was vaguely hostel-like -- it had bunk beds though it was mostly empty. i knew that i was there for my knee surgery, but was biding time until that happened. i was working on one of the beds, and titus and mr anas cam up (i think it was them). they asked me some thing, and i was answering them. while we were talking, though, gavin came in the room, briefcase and all, and somehow i knew he was there to put me to sleep before surgery, but i didn't acknowledge him and tried to ignore him. instead, i was focusing on the conversations with the other two. gavin came around, holding a needle, and suddenly jabs it in my shoulder, and even though i knew they were trying to do this so that i'd be distracted and it "wouldn't be so bad", my stomach was in knots and i was crying out and absolutely panicking, even though it was seconds before i was out. and as i went unconscious in the dream, i woke up in real life feeling absolutely terrified, panicking, tense, and awful.

solo was asleep beside me on the bed, and all he did was look over at me, and curl up and sleep some more. so much for cats being aware of when their owner's upset.

i hope to god gavin doesn't end up being my anaesthesiologist on tuesday, despite his well-intentioned distraction methods.
rebecca shared some deep, dark secrets about herself. i should be writing a paper right now. consequently, i felt it only fair to take a moment to share some things about myself. SO!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Sarah!

  1. In a pinch, the skin from a shark can be used as sarah.
  2. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into sarah!
  3. Sarah is 984 feet tall.
  4. Koalas sleep for 22 hours a day, two hours more than sarah!
  5. It takes a lobster approximately 7 years to grow to be sarah!
  6. Sarah is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
  7. Sarah was banned from Finland because of not wearing pants!
  8. American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating sarah from each salad served in first class!
  9. The Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter is made entirely of sarah.
  10. Baby swans are called sarah.
I am interested in - do tell me about

yes, rebecca and i do share one thing in common. it's a bit of a shameful secret in our family. please don't tell too many people about it, our parents might disown us.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

look, it's me. no, it's not a picture. it's test results. strangely, they don't use the word "flighty". or "flaky".

speaking of which. yesterday i spent too long at eagle ridge hospital. it was for preadmissions x-rays. their machine was being fixed, so i spent 45 minutes (after filling out forms) pacing about trying to calm myself and doing everything i could to not think of needles and IVs and waking up in a fog and shivering and crying and feeling nauseas and blood tests and more was a losing battle. while i was pacing, though, a school field trip came by -- my guess is they were grade 1s.

"this is the laboratory! do you know what a laboratory is?" some kid mentioned crazy experiments. but what was more fun was watching all the confused, quiet kids, the three girls who were obviously best friends holding hands tightly, the little kids who "fell off the train", everyone's hands reaching to the sky when they were asked "do you know what 'pretend' is?" and reciting together that "it's when it's not real!"

and then there were the tough kids who were disappointed that the blood tests were only going to be make believe.

made me realise that i really do have a ridiculous phobia. there's no way in hell i'd be happy to be one of those kids, even though they were getting to explore all the cool parts of the hospital. i'd be freaking out inside.

and this is why meeting with the aenesthesiologist and surgeon next week is going to be the most traumatic experience of the last two years. possibly more, because this time i know what to expect. which i think might be worse.

i feel like i haven't moved anywhere in the last two years. there's a lot that's changed, of course, but overall i feel more like i've been stepping backwards and can hardly handle anything anymore. which isn't actually the case.

but i still feel that way.

Friday, March 03, 2006

i've scratched 4 scratch'n'win tickets in my life -- christmas presents. i've bought 1 lotto ticket -- on a whim. i gambled once and lost bigtime and learned my lesson.

after yesterday afternoon, though, i know so much about BC gambling and licensing rules... how useful!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

i was supposed to go see animal collective tonight. i really wanted to. but march 1 crept up on me and it was only as i was leaving school today that i realised that february was over and the concert was tonight.

too bad, because i have big projects due tomorrow.

so instead of doing something fun, i've spent all evening staring at an article and trying to make sense of it. and listening to cecil taylor and his improvisational poetry. and i've learned something about parmenides, because i thought that maybe that would help with the article. i can't say i understand it more. but i understand why the writer chose to quote parmenides. the whole thing is basically that things that are not are and words are useless to express that which words cannot express. and using that as a basis, i need to analyse some objet d'art. using 1500 words. which will not express what needs to be expressed, assumedly.

that said, it's actually been fun. i just have no idea what's going on. half of the time animal collective was playing in the background -- in part because maybe i'll be analysing that for the paper, in part because if i keep listening to cecil taylor i'll go mad -- and i realised that maybe i didn't really care if i saw them live afterall, because i can't imagine seeing them playing all their music in person adding much.

it's not being sour grapes. i hope they were great. i just don't feel like i missed out either way, in the end. because at least i maybe understand that by something's absence, something is. or something.
cutting poles, cutting branch, melon! ... spirals ... constant -- sooooooooooong.

why do i try to choose the hardest thing to analyse for class? why oh why oh why?

but now for procrastination: these come at a funny time, especially given a conversation i had last night all about wanting (or needing) to know what other people actually think of me. it's a little hard to do, honestly, because it's either all good traits or all bad traits, not a mix of both, but given a conversation that i had last night. so do this! and then do this!

i'll do 'em both for you . . .

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

i've never seen these with my own eyes. obviously, then, i have to go back to france to take my own photos of them!

i've been postponing writing something here not because i've been busy, necessarily, but because i don't really know how to write it yet. last week, even this week (so far) have been tough. last week got better by midweek, but at one point it dawned on me that if i'd said what i was really thinking out loud to anyone, i'd end up being put on suicide watch. fortunately that was enough to snap me into trying to do something. unfortunately "doing something" at work meant getting a lecture from someone i don't deserve to be lectured by, but at this point it's not worth it to point out that for all their comments about "i don't deserve to be treated like this", i was doing exactly what had to be done, and i really didn't deserve to be treated the way that they were treating me. but i don't want to get into that argument.

it still irks me, though.

at any rate. radio therapy does wonders. and buying cinnamon rolls.

the funny thing about this bout of depression is that it's not something i have the need to "get out of" this time. if nothing else, i actually need to explore it this time, even though it sucks and makes me feel miserable at times. something about "addressing" instead of "avoiding". lawrence called it "maturity" or something like that. ha ha.

so. i might not always be in the best of moods for the next while. doesn't mean anything. if you see me around the radio station, chances are you won't notice it (unless i haven't slept or eaten in too long . . . sorry!).

or something. no more procrastination, got too much work to do!