Sunday, December 31, 2006

i am sick. my grand accomplishments today have included:
- drinking 7 cups of tea.
- proving to myself that all food tastes mediocre at best when i'm ill.
- letting the cat in and out 5 times. he leads an exciting life.
- completing 3/4 of a samurai sudoku puzzle. i haven't made a mistake yet.
- reading another few chapters of The Master and Marguerita. which continues to be awesome.
- catching up on 3.5 tv series, thanks to my new favourite online full-episode-uploaded video site. even though one show was bittorrented. and the .5 is because it was just watching the UK Office Christmas Special. which was heartwarming. and awkward. wonderful.
- briefly working on that whole learning-cyrillic thing. briefly. i now can read 2 more of the names posted on various pieces of furniture in my home.

of the tv shows i've been watching, the big themes have been:
- i wish i were special and unique.
- i'm on a quest to save the world. by which i mean everyone, everywhere, everyhow.
- i wish i was just like everyone else. fuck this special and unique crap.
- i don't need to change the world in big ways, i can do it just by being me.
- everything emotionally valuable in life can be crossrelated to sports.

of those five aforementioned points, four intrigue me because they're the ones from the recent shows. and they're the ones from the shows that everyone is raving about lately. and they all seem to be revolving around a similar theme about being yourself and changing the world. and it's kinda surprising how much the shows seem to bludgeon viewers over the head with those themes. it's like there's some crisis going on in general north american society that all the shows seems to be gravitating towards, focusing on that in order to appeal to audiences. and apparently it's working. and while i'm not able to really compare it to too many shows, i somehow don't recall seeing it (at least not as obviously) in series from bygone years (like 1998). maybe it's because Internet is so nice as to have created spaces where you can watch show after show after show. but somehow, i don't think i'd be getting the same messages out of watching The X-Files or MacGyver one after the other.

as for the sports references, i don't agree. but i'm going along with it for the sake of lazy entertainment.

so the first four points intrigue me and my sick little mind. very sick. sicker than i was a couple days ago, before i get mocking comments about me faking my sickness.

[though i am beginning to lose my voice. which adds to the sexy. but then that whole sick thing detracts megapoints. you sick-ist haters.]

and even though i'm enjoying most of the shows that i've been watching, i'm still hyperaware of how contrived they are, and even as they tug at my interest/excitement/curiousity/heartstrings, i'm busy looking at how and why they're succeeding, and wondering who the audience really is, and what they're looking for in life and what they're missing and wondering if these shows are somehow reaching out to fill those voids in other viewers too, and wondering if those voids are really a pattern for our era. and even as i figure out how they're manipulating me, i'm perfectly happy to be suckered into watching the next episode. and the next. and the next. it's just a shame that north american tv has this desire to drag out success until it dies, rather than just working with the whole "miniseries" genre, leaving the audience maybe a little wanting, but satisfied.

it's quantity, not quality! wait, what?

here's what i would like. i'd like to see choreographed interactions tomorrow. and music playing to add dramatic ambiance (kinda like what happened with devin last week). and really really good chai tea. and a surprise visitor bringing me chicken soup. and maybe, just maybe, the sort of meaningful-with-a-future-but-at-the-same-time-so-trite interactions with strangers in a cafe, the kind that litter televisionland but never quite seem to happen in real life. i'm not sure if it's because we imagine they exist in our fantasy worlds, which translates into our so-called "entertainment", or if it's because once upon a time life did work like that, until it sorta died out over the last couple decades, but tvland, being that bizarre vortex that it is, never quite caught up to the 21st century, at least in that respect.

and i'd really, really like my ears to pop. because that's the most annoying part of being sick right now.

in other news, my juggling skills have improved, but that's saying little considering that they didn't exist two days ago; i have a couch to sleep on for my first few nights in morocco; and i think solomon's losing weight. maybe. gotta wait for karl to come back because he'll be able to tell me for sure, what with being away for a week. but perhaps solo will be able to fit into last year's jeans afterall!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

y'know, i always found that this cartoon made me feel sad for the poor guy. he put his all into that frog, and all he did was lose.

this list is like an extra christmas gift.

and on that note, merry christmas!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

in the past three (arbitrarily chosen) days i have:
- made meals of awesome -- couscous with banana and dates and spices, salad with pear and dressing of papaya, and an omelete that was as fluffy as can be (yay gas ovens).
- decided that i'm subconsciously working towards my secret goal to make a meal that tastes as good as fuzzy peach candies.
- made (and drank the majority of) two cartons-worth of apple cider of yummyness.
- further finalised my itinerary for january. currently, i'm going to london, then down to morocco for three weeks, then maybe through barcelona on my way back.
- said farewell to friends leaving vancouver forever (or until they end up here again). so sad, but so exciting for them.
- completed a grand total of . . . 1 christmas gift! but 4 more are near finished.
- decided to find me a monkey.
- introduced someone else to hatha yoga with a not-entirely-valid guest pass.
- had scotch for the first time in canada.
- had a conversation that made me realise that maybe i do have more of an idea of what's important to me than i thought i did.
- found someone to sublet my house to while i go away and realised that having someone you know replace you while you're gone is more disconcerting and even threatening than having an absolute stranger take your place. i think it's because you can imagine how exactly they wouldn't live like you and would potentially desecrate your space, unlike a stranger who is so bland and faceless (considering you know little about them) that they obviously wouldn't do anything unlike you. chances are they wouldn't even sleep in your bed, they're just a figment of your imagination after all.
- become the proud owner of a latest-version Sabayon dvd to explore at my leisure.
- put things into words that until now have remained assumed but unspoken by me. it's relieving. it's exciting. it makes it real, and it makes it something to work with, rather than to avoid.

in the next three days (with all luck) i will:
- make borscht without staining the kitchen red.
- finish more christmas gifts.
- buy more apple juice for apple cider.
- become the proud owner of a book about mexican mysticism, written all in russian. this will provide me with material to practice my newfound skills in reading cyrillic. newfound, as in, premature-baby-like. but with nurturing, even premies grow big and strong!
- consider dying my hair at least 2 more times.
- read bulgakov for two hours.
- watch snow fall.
- meet some fascinating stranger in a coffeeshop and gain a new exciting friend to send a postcard to when i go away.
- pick up my new glasses and be able to see properly again. wearing said new glasses may entails a slight wardrobe shift so as to appear as snazzy as the glasses.
- send ro the magic muffin recipe once i get around to asking rebecca for it, or finding it amidst christmas cleanups.

of all points on my future list, only one of those potentially might not take place. it might not be the one you expect, though.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

in order to stay on par with the last while, i need to post at least two more times before the month ends. this probably won't be difficult, as ther's a myriad of things i could post about. but for now, guess what!!!












it's snowing.... just like it has been all weekend.... and it's lovely.

the only sad part of it all is that i'm not working at SFU anymore, which means that i don't get a snow day. i do, however, drive as a job, and everyone is "being nice to me" and not asking me to do very much driving, for fear of me dying. which would be a shame, i'm sure.

i think i'm going to go make a snowman outside the office right now. it'll bolster everyone's enjoyment of the weather, and make everyone a little happier they came into the office today. because that seems to be my larger role here for a substantial number of folks here -- to be doing the things that everyone else, who came to work here while they figured out what to do with their lives, wishes that they'd been doing. so that they can live vicariously through me. by my way of thinking, this includes making snowmen. unfortunately, i'm not all that exciting. i think they need someone new to take on that role soon.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

each time i hurt myself in some retarded way i always feel a little bit weaker. but not necessarily old. you know what does make me feel old?

the fact that i'm moisturizing my skin. regularly.

that makes me feel old.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

here's something i never knew existed. thank you google video!

The Brothers Quay present The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer

i've only ever seen one film by the brothers quay, at last year's film festival. it was possibly one of my favourite ones of the year. can't really tell you what it was about, though, i wasn't really sure afterwards. but it was beautiful. and it makes perfect sense that they'd have an appreciation of svankmajer.

there's a poster round town advertising an upcoming concert. the only reason i noticed was because they have a still from the Cabinet of Dr Caligari on there. when i saw it, i got all excited, thinking the film was being shown somewhere. turns out it's just some bands i don't really care about. so sad.

though maybe i'm sadder that Dr Caligari has now succombed to being just another pop culture reference for the cool and hipster.

such a snob!

Friday, October 06, 2006

today two different people on two different buses asked me if i was a teacher. when i said no, they told me i should become one, because i looked like one.

absolute strangers may have now given my life meaning.

also, i love my russian constructivism prof. because he is french. because he runs off on tangents all the time. because he throws in non-sequitors that really totally relate, you just have to be in the right mind-space to get them. because one of them today referenced Einstein on the Beach without explanation. because his comments on my paper may have given me a new outlook, not for the reasons he wrote them, but for what they actually say, and how it relates to all of my own issues. because i laugh regularly in that class, and it's awesome.

oh, the psychic was wrong. i'm not married. she has 52 minutes for things to change and her to be right. but i'm not expecting it.

and, for the first time ever, i took cold medicine, because i was the epitome of miserable yesterday. that stuff works like magic! i'm not better, feel far from it, but i do feel a million times better than i did yesterday afternoon. don't get this flu. it's not fun. i couldn't even imagine feeling this bad before this week.

also, an internet forum that i haven't looked at since january has just wished me a happy birthday. no wonder it's called the internet's friendliest audio board! oh, what love!

Monday, October 02, 2006

elephant!

i've spent way too many hours watching this now. yet somehow, watching elephants and impalas drinking water doesn't get boring.

(from the nkorho stream.)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

yesterday we were talking about bad moods, the kind where you're wrapped up in your own perspectives, and someone in front of you makes a sudden turn or stands still because they're thinking of their own thing, and you walk into them or barely miss them because you had no warning, and it just pisses you off because that person is so wrapped up in themselves that they're completely oblivious that there was someone else walking behind them, how dare they. but you forget that they probably just simply didn't realise, or they were having their own conversations, and why should they be aware of people walking behind them anyways?

but i was explaining that that was the kind of bad mood i'd been in, where i was pissed off with people for being so wrapped up in themselves that they're not even noticing that other people around them have their own things going on too. but then i catch myself and remind myself that well, their things are important to them too, why should they be aware of and thinking like i do about things?

but you know what? fuck that. i'm sick of so many people being wrapped up in their own shit and not thinking outside of their own troubles. i know i do it too. and i hate it when i do it, but at least i'm trying to be conscious of it.

i think i've been fuckin gracious in a lot of ways lately, forgiving people for not being aware of what's outside their own personal blinders, trying to be understanding and appreciative of the fact that people have other things going on. and i know i've let out some of my troubles to people, and to those that have listened, i'm truly thankful. and i'm not pissed off because i really haven't had people there to listen to me. i'm pissed off because i've witheld a lot of my feelings and concerns lately, because i don't want to be self-absorbed. i'm pissed off because when i have expressed my thoughts to some people, they get trampled or ignored. i'm pissed off because i'm making big fuckin personal allowances in order to fit things in for other people because i know they have busy lives, but when i do, those allowances are taken for granted or totally dismissed or made completely pointless because the person i'm doing it for goes off and does their own thing instead. i'm pissed off because i'm trying to see things from others' perspectives, but i don't feel like anyone's doing that for me.

i rescheduled for you. i adjusted my things for you. i don't know if you realise this, but i have plans too, but i'm trying to work them out to help everyone else out too. maybe you don't think the things i'm working on are so important, but i do. and fuck you for not having the courtesy to actually make the time when i do, to actually listen to me when i'm making the effort to care about your things, to think a little bit beyond yourself.

i don't care if your conversation's grand. i don't care if you suddenly realised you made a wrong turn. there's other people around you, and they might be happy and they might be sad and they might be angry and they might be in pain, and the least you can do is remember that you're not the only person in this world and think before you stop short and make someone else's day a little more frustrating.
this morning i had a dream that i was at work and my boss had punted a bunch of medicine balls or some sort of heavy-laden balls up into the ceiling framework. one of them fell down and hit me on the head. he was really apologetic about it, but it didn't hurt too much, just made me feel a little fuzzy. he told me i could either get worker's comp because of the accident, or i could have a bunch of tickets to go see the circus.

i couldn't decide which one to choose.

the next thing i knew we were at some fancy restaurant along with a bunch of other people who seemed like all my friends' grandparents, eating green beans.

when the alarm went off a few minutes (or was it hours?) later, i still hadn't decided between WC money or circus tickets, even in the waking world. this perplexed me all day, in fact, especially when i came to the realisation that picking the money meant seriousness and doing things as they should be done, while picking the circus tickets meant just having fun and enjoying myself and being a kid. it did make me laugh out loud, though.

perhaps i'll tell my boss about it. perhaps i won't, because then i'll seem like a nutcase. but come on -- elephants!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

at the minneapolis airport, as you drive towards it from saint paul, there's this sign at the side of the road. when i first saw it, i honestly thought my mind was making things up. but i wasn't. so on the way to depart the lovely country of america, i had to snap a photo of it:


creepy.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

no more surgery. i'm bored of it. gotta find something new to pass my time. anaesthesiologist didn't prove herself to be better than the last guy. especially not with leaving me a hugely swollen back-of-the-hand that's gonna turn into a beautiful bruise. in fact, that's the part of me that hurts the most right now. that is why i'm taking advils. dr anderson's bedside manner was awesome, though, a million times warmer than knee-surgery dude. though now that scratchy throat's ten times worse than yesterday.

but. no more surgery. no more hospitals. no more IVs. this means no babies, but i can work with that.

in other news, mr mulder brought me kayaking on the weekend, and it was full of awesome. we went up indian arm, 32km+ after both ways, i was the slow wussy one but by day two i was better, there was sun, wind, rain, tides, crazy boaters, Cool Dudes (TM), wild bonfires that didn't follow BC wilderness regulations (according to david) that we were aware of but not-so-secretly jealous of, hot chocolate, omelettes, minty chocolate, bagels, waterfalls, swimming holes, many many seagull friends, brief local history lessons, seals, starfish, emo teenagers, spit, and getting to wear a toque for the first time this school year.

but no water fights. i guess that has to wait for next time.

if i'm lucky, the photos worked out. in all likelihood, however, my camera is broken. let's cross our fingers, shall we?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

i know i don't have the time, but i still wish i were volunteering for the vancouver film fest this year just for the guide. after scrolling through the pdf'd guide, i've picked out a mere 27 films that i want to see. only allowing myself to skim. and not allowing myself to pick ones that i suspect would get a wider release later on.

on the plus side, once the schedule's printed, that'll narrow it down a little more. but that said, i'm contemplating buying a student pass, ignoring the fact that $250 is enough to be somewhere else in the world for awhile. or any other amount of riches. but then i get to skip into films whenever i have off-time on evenings, weekends, and tuesday/thursday middays! and no having to work to do it!

yes, i'm hinting that this would be the most awesome birthday gift. no, i don't expect that anyone reading this will do anything about it. but, y'know, just saying.

go, ed. flaunt your volunteer pass. now's the time to do it. damn 8-4 job, hilltop drama, and academic european indulgences making it not worth the number of volunteer hours necessary for the pass!

but solomon is twisted up in his sleep nice and cute-like beside me on the bed, so i can pretend that that makes up for it.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

1. my glasses just broke. this means i'm effectively blind for the next three days, unless i decide to wear the frames without one arm, causing migraines. this ain't cool.

2. i just sent an email to someone i haven't spoken to in two years. haven't spoken to because of giant rifts that occurred between us. haven't spoken to because the last time we did communicate, i was told in no uncertain terms to never contact them again. haven't spoken to because i felt like if i were to contact them, it would be to gloat, to prove something, or to just be a snob. haven't spoken to because i felt like if they told me how well off they are, how content they are, or even just ignored me, i would feel upset for some reason. haven't spoken to because i didn't have the guts to write to them. haven't spoken to because i truly believe that they're the one that should be instigating contact after how they treated me, but i know that they never will because they probably think the ball's in my court. which it's not.

but right now i truly just miss their friendship, and i miss the person they were when we were friends. and if that person isn't around any longer, than that's fine. but at least i've now said goodbye to the person i did know, regardless how they've changed. if they write back, maybe it can be a fresh start. if they don't, i don't feel like i'm losing anything anymore.

3. the music playing matches my sentiments with gradual swells, strings, and drawn-out phrases. coupled with the waves outside, it's the perfect soundtrack to this moment.

4. i'm in a secluded cabin on lake superior. said secluded cabin does have satellite internet, but i refuse to do work out here, because if you can't have solitude when you're miles away from any towns, when can you have it? that said, i've still been doing a little work, but not much. it's the cabin belonging to my dad's girlfriend's family. it's beautiful. in my mind, i always imagined the great lakes to be ugly, barren, polluted, flat, and dull. in reality, the waves crash to the rocky shore constantly, the scenery is amazing and the trees are already beginning to change colour. there's squirrels, seagulls (lakegulls?), and i'm in some sort of heaven and i don't want to leave. but i have to. but i hope i can come back some day.

5. before being here, i've been in minneapolis and saint paul, visiting my dad and his girlfriend, lisa. strangely, i've had a harder time relating to my father than to lisa, even though this is the first time i'm spending time with them together (excluding a couple of meals together over the last couple years). she's a wonderful person. all the things that drive me nuts about my father are the things that she laughs, makes a sarcastic comment about, and then pats him on the shoulder saying "you're so cute!" it's not the way i'm used to seeing my father, and it's been a little strange. i'm enjoying myself, though. really.

6. there is no way that i will ever be able to relate the emotions that i've been going through this week. the memories that have been stirred up, the development of new relationships, the journeys i've gone on inside my head during travel time or alone time. it's been enlightening, satisfying, horrible, frustrating, exciting, relaxing, invigorating, and confusing all at once. i wish someone else were here with me -- a sibling, a friend, a lover -- that they might understand some of what's been going on. because i can explain things, but i'll never be able to properly convey it.

but maybe that's for the best.

7. for the first time since i was in elementary school, i had clothes bought for my by one of my parents. it wasn't too much, but it was enough. it allowed me to get a jacket that i'd never rationalise if it were my own money. for the first time ever, i got to feel the glee of having a parent help me look pretty. of course, he was on the phone talking work issues much of the time, and hardly spoke to me even when i was asking for a second opinion, and i ended up seeking opinions from random strangers in the store instead. but it's a start. my dad is slowly learning to be less stingy. slightly. after looking unhappy paying for my things (even though he'd already told me he'd buy them for me "as an early birthday present. birthday present!"), he still paused a few times on the way out of the stores to check out things that he was interested, without any show of concern for how much money he'd spend on himself. that's my dad. all about dad. but lisa's been surprisingly good at tempering him, reminding me that this week is about what i want to do, not me tagging along while he does what he wants to do. and other than the first day of tagging along while he went shoe shopping, everything's been pretty good.

8. right now, i feel like a little kid in a lot of ways. i feel justified in it, though, because i don't feel like i've been able to feel this way around a parent before.

9. last night i sat outside and watched the stars. when there's no other light, and you can see millions of stars in the sky, it's nearly oppressive. not in a bad way, of course. more like a big quilt pressing down, comforting you, reminding you that there's a lot more out there. the sky doesn't feel very far away anymore -- if you reach up high enough, maybe you'll be able to touch it.

maybe not.

then i began to imagine bears coming out of the woods, and convinced myself that it would be better to be indoors.

10. i can't even begin to describe how strange it is to see my father in an arguably healthy relationship. part of me feels like he's a stranger. part of me loves it. part of me begins to feel comfortable around it. part of me wonders how she can stand him, knowing all his bad sides like she does, and can't fathom why she'd stay with him. then i realise that that's how i feel about myself, and i hope that some day i learn to change that.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

you know what irks me? when people use the word that sounds like "peek" in writing, but can't spell it correctly. here:

peak: the top or tapering point [of a mountain, of a whipping cream cloud, a ship's stern, whatever], or SFU's student newspaper.

peek: to glance furtively or quickly.

pique: to provoke, or to cause a feeling of indignation.

now use them correctly!

thank you dictionary.com for being better at wording things than i am. if only more people would use you, or one of your kin.

Friday, August 11, 2006

1. i found a store that carries arizona lemon iced tea. i'm now this much more content in the world.

2. i'm at ritchie bros for this month. i don't think i've remembered to mention that yet. not that i've been posting. but it's fun. i'm paid to drive around, listen to music, go shopping with company money, and do the picky errands that everyone else is too busy to do. i'm enjoying it. but it's only for 2 more weeks. a part of me is sad about that, but the other part of me keeps reminding me that i didn't go to school for 10 years in order to work at the place that i've been working at for 15 years. and much as i love the people around here, this isn't quite the industry and environment i've been dying to work in.

3. fortunately, with looming unemployment, i've had my student loan for september approved. last one . . . for now!

4. i'm set to leave canada (again) january 9. after british airways giving me a bit of a runaround when i tried to reschedule my ticket, one nice guy wrangled it so that (a) i could change the itinerary just a little and have a week's layover in london, and (b) i won't have to pay the cost associated with changing dates or itineraries. unfortunately i may or may not be allowed a book on the plane, after what happened last night. huzzah for nondescriptive news reporting!

5. drama drama drama drama drama

6. this and this has completely astounded me. as much trepidation as i had relinquishing my job to my successors, i never ever expected something like this. but i'm leaving the juicy discussion and debate for those sites and elsewhere. all the info (however little there is) is up there already. i've talked about it enough, i don't want to write about it here.

7. i don't think i have enough hours in august to do everything that i have to do. the things i only wanted to do are being scratched off the list pretty regularly, too.

8. is it wrong to feel ownership of a place that really you have no right to? so much so that discovering that it's still hidden from those you don't approve of is a relief, if not a gleeful joy?

9. karl checked out my work last night because i was a moron who left her laptop at work when i had deadlines this morning. someone from the real world has now officially seen ritchie's and been inside the building. i don't think i've ever had a friend at ritchie's with me before. it's kinda strange.

10. jo's right, i'm a 15-year-old with a crush. i just happen to be a little older than that. i think, though, that i'm just enjoying playing the role at this point, and that's it. cuz it's the "got nothing better to do to make my day exciting" month.

11. for the first time, i'm wondering if stefan's insistance on having a crappy job to just get through the day isn't all that bad an idea. but in the end i think it's laziness to think that, because everything it crosses my mind, there's still a part of me that feels strangled.

12. safeway's open. time to get donuts. arguably the most important errand of the week. no, seriously. s'a strange place to be working....

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

yup, we're taking it! 17th and windsor. there won't be a giant party a la honey house to housewarm, but there'll be something i'm sure. you're all invited. then you too can gaze at the pretty tilings with awe and glee.

today i go to the opera with my mother. and while i'm sure i'll enjoy it, sitting in dark places listening to some tenor singing words i don't understand generally makes me a little sleepy. and for some reason i woke up with a start at 5:23AM and couldn't get back to sleep. and i'm already tired. hopefully the tenor's really fuckin exciting and dances the watusi all night long. maybe then i'll keep my eyes open. hopefully.

on a side-note, the final honey house party is this friday! ed's set the theme as inviting fairie creatures to come take our things away. i don't know how prepared i'll be for that, but after finding this page i'm hoping to see at least 4 of those dances throughout the night!
i think we have a new home. it's tiny. and i don't know what i'll do with half my stuff right now. but it's nice.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

it's either ed wood films or dada vaudvillian theatre and short films this friday night. i honestly don't know which one to go with yet. both look like fun. one is definitely cheaper. but do i care? see, i just don't know!

who's interested in either one?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

[if i wrote it all out, i'd probably be a bitch, so it's in shorthand, and dull as all hell. enjoy!]

5 frustrating things:
- "it wasn't me", particularly when it's not really about a one-time problem. (yes, diego, i do understand that frustration)
- dirty dishes
- meetings meetings meetings, especially on thursday, when i was going to go away
- "no cats allowed"
- the inability to even try to think of doing things because it would make those other peoples' lives easier

5 better things:
- butoh on the beach on sunday
- meeting Miss T of Miss T's fame
- using up diego's fish marinade on perfectly-done sole
- having to use spanish during work three times today
- putting on nail polish, watching a frivolous movie, and drinking tea at 1:30am

5 inspiring things:
- convoluted anime
- the sorcerer's apprentice
- frivolous yet finely-detailed films
- late-night radio interviews
- other peoples' blogs

5 things to do tomorrow:
- paperwork
- wedding photography
- see HAP at the Summer Dreams Reading Festival (wedding prep time permitting)
- write for a half hour before getting out of bed
- not die of dehydration and heat exhaustion

i wish that for once i wouldn't make compromises, and just say/do/get what i think i deserve. i wish i weren't motivated by guilt so often. and i wish i could allow myself to ignore the worrier part of my personality. because it's really getting boring.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

so it turns out that i may be one of the lucky 10% of women to have this. endometriosis. how fun! unfortunately the only way to properly diagnose it is to have a laparoscopy, involving scopes in my abdomen, which, as you can imagine, i am thrilled about.



in the meantime, however, i've been put on this:



Provera. not to be confused with Depo-Provera, which involves needles and spends a long time in your system once you start it and is generally considered by me to be gross. apparently estrogen is metabolised by the liver, and because of that whole hep-b thing, the doctor isn't comfortable giving me regular birth control, which is made up of a bit of progesterone, and a bit of estrogen. the estrogen usually balances out the negative side effects that are caused by the progesterone. this means, then that i'm kinda on a low dosage of birth control, with all the bad side effects and nothing to balance them out.

and i can tell.

i've been taking them for a little over a half-month now. at first i was scared to take them because i thought my mood would become horrible and i'd snap at everyone, but it actually seemed to go the other way -- i don't think i'd been in as exuberant, extroverted, joyful mood in a really long time. but now it's gone the other way, and i'm snappy and curt with a lot of people, and if you take some frustrations out on me at the wrong time i'm liable to be biting back the instinct to cry, knowing that there's no reason for it, but unable to stop it.

oh. and i don't think i've eaten so many big meals in a long time. yet if i don't eat them, i'm ready to collapse, so seems to me that rather than my appetite just increasing, my body actually needs more food than usual. no?

but it goes in waves. and i'm starting to figure them out. the whole thing really makes me question general emotions and, well, even thoughts. because i know that seeing those dirty dishes would usually piss me off, it's true, but i won't usually act all bitter and angry and passive-aggressive. it doesn't make sense to me that i start to close meself off from people that i like, and act all 6-years-old and "i can do it better than you can but i'll do it wordlessly because that just proves how much cooler i am and how dare you even think that you could have known where that house was without me?" no, makes no sense.

that's the point. if a couple little blue pills, taken daily, changes my perceptions and thoughts that much, what the hell are millions of women doing taking those regularly? if nothing else, it validates chemical imbalance as an fair explanation for moods, because 10mg isn't much, and it makes perfect sense that being a few molecules short inside can make a person wig out.

but even if it's validated, it doesn't excuse it. i know i'm acting unreasonably, even while it happens. during, i don't care, but afterwards, i feel stupid for it, and i'm gonna explain it and, if warranted, apologise for it. because it's only fair.

which is why it pisses me off that other people who may very well just be under even just some stress can't be bothered to explain and apologise for themselves. hate to say it, but you're not the centre of the world, and your bad mood might have passed, but the insult and injury that came out of it is still around, and people are only willing to shrug it off so many times.

so my trial run of provera is on for another half-month. if i'm mean to you in that time, i'm sure i'm sorry. i will say, some of the other side-effects like allowing me to rationalise having more fun and some new weird drive for accomplishing the things i usually postponed indefinitely are kinda nice. so right now, despite the mood swings, the pills have something going for them. i don't know if i'll choose to abandon them next month or not, yet!

Monday, July 10, 2006

for the last month i've been spending (wasting?) a lot of time watching the FIFA world cup. but as of today, it's over. suddenly, i'm going to have more time, but i can assure you already that i won't even know it, and it'll quickly be filled up by something new. in fact, i'm already on my way doing that -- my planner for this week is already booked up by trivial and not-so-trivial events that seem to stop me from doing anything.

but i know that i'll probably get most of those things done, and a surprising amount more. julie and i have started what she calls Life Club. it began as a way for us to set goals and actually make sure they get done, because we're holding each other accountable. i don't know how well it's working. i'm getting things done, and i suppose that the plus side of this is that i'm acknowledging what i do get done, but i'm not necessarily working on my List O' Things.

[i do, however, deserve a pat on the back for yesterday. y'see, i've intended to write and mail postcards since february. i had them tucked into my books. they were already addressed. they were even part-started. but i never finished them. until yesterday! now the challenge is finding a couple overseas stamps to send them off. with luck, the addressees still live at the same places now.]

[yay, sarah! pat pat pat. next time try to do it in a day, instead of 6 months.]

but back to the point. which isn't very clear right now, because i have so many points that need to be made, and so many stories to tell. so many! but let's try to focus. world cup. yes.

for the last month, since coming back from montreal, i've been following the cup as much as i could. in some respects, i lost a bit of what some might call a "life". in other respects, my "life" just got extended into the morning hours. i watching games ridiculously often, bonded with friends and strangers over a bad call, explained the offside rule again and again, and grinned like a fool whenever i saw a flag, a jersey, anything as i made my way down the Drive, because in that tiny little way, we shared something, those strangers and i. every day, it was as though i was in another country -- different flags, different cheers, different languages, though often the same people. it was the closest i could get to travelling, really.

but now the world cup is over. i cheered for portugal ... they lost. i cheered for germany ... they lost. i cheered for togo ... well, you couldn't expect them to do anything but lose, really. i cheered for france ... they lost. i'm sorry, guys, i'm obviously a curse. next time, i'll root for those drama queen italians, we'll see what happens then. sorry italians, though your food is lovely and your music divine, i still wanted someone else to win that little golden trophy. but kudos to you, you still made it in the end!

today i watched the game at joe's cafe, in front of the television that usually acted as my home, with most of the crew i'd watch the games with. and peter and i even shared the chair -- a fitting way to end our world cup experience, he pointed out. and while i'll miss seeing the games every morning, and having a stock excuse to spend time with certain folks, i'm sadder that i won't have that little bond with absolute strangers anymore. i don't even know if i'd recognise Miss Portugal Fan without her flag, scarf, makeup, and worried looks during the games. i won't get to hear Mr Congo's factoids and cheers next week. that dude sitting by the wall, Mr Loud who showed up at every single game and even had his own home-made bucket/drum/tambourine/thingemabob with all of "his" teams on it? i might see you walk down the street, but that's about it. i won't get to learn portuguese trivia from tony, making cracks about the british CN Tower. no more "deutschland!" when i see a little flag, no more jerseys as i bike down the drive, no more parties shutting down the road, i'm going to miss all of it.

want to know what one of the nicest moments was, though? it was the day i was standing in line to get a drink at joe's, just waiting, during one of the busy games -- could have even been a portugal match. and while i was waiting there, the fellow working at the bar glanced over and saw me, and called out "hot chocolate, right!" -- my drink of choice.* i was too surprised and thrilled to order the cappuccino that had been on my mind -- i was a regular! and even today, during the game, Drive Tourists were passed over so that i could be served first. this isn't a personal celebration of the fact that i'm special. well, maybe a little. but not because i'm more hardcore than you. just that the cup became my thing, and even though i didn't necessarily commit to a team all the way through, i still committed to the cup. and had an awesome month doing it.

so to Dude Who Sat Beside Me And Kept Trying To Show Off How Much He Deserved To Be There By Making Endless References To How He'd Seen "Most Of The Games" And Should Write A Book About It, and, in fact, to a lot of the Drive Tourists who showed up for that one game, taking away seats from the people who live around here, i'm glad you enjoyed it. i hope you had fun following it. but for chrissakes, don't act like you're so much more holier than thou because you hauled your yuppie selves all the way from the west end to live the bohemian faux-european lifestyle for one morning, proving how utterly awesome you are. you're a pain. you're rude. you're obnoxious. contrary to your perceptions, you don't have a god-given right to boss people around and have things your way. and strangely, there's more people out there than just li'l ol' you who's watched most of the games. a lot more. so please, just shut up and enjoy the game with everyone.

to the people -- tourists or not -- who showed up, didn't take up more than their fair share of physical and metaphorical space, and just had fun with the festivities, nice to have you around. who knew that such a small space could roar like a stadium?

* * * * *

i'm sure i'm sorry that this isn't better-written. trying to fit in too many ideas, don't have the patience to do a proper job of it. at least this makes some space for the next few ideas that are clamouring to be written another day.

i also just (re?)discovered that i have the rarest bloodtype. so rare that people make patches for O- bloodtypes so that we can show it off with pride and honour (and so that if we suddenly die they can harvest it, i suppose). hawt. too bad i can't share my blood!

Friday, June 30, 2006

a few days ago a friend of mine was playing a game, of sorts, as we talked. he was imagining what it would feel like to be me, judging by my posture, my comments, and my appearance, rather than projecting his reality onto me. (we both like to think and over-analyse, life is more fun when the little things become monstrous.)

so, what's it like to be me right now, then? i baited him with a certain degree of skepticism.

he paused for a moment, thinking.

for you, everything is fun, but it feels fragile at the same time, he said.

all i could do was sit there and smile, while trying very hard not to let tearful emotion get the better of me. he couldn't have defined it any more poetically.

unless he'd added one more syllable. then it would have been a haiku.
if i said that i'd been meaning to blog for the last few weeks, would you care?

this morning my hair was absolutely perfect, if i'd been a 17-year-old depressed emo guy. if i were, i'd probably have written a miserable poem and posted it on my livejournal, too. however, as i'm not any of those adjectives, i pulled it back into pigtails instead, and played the 6-year-old carefree youngun.

it seemed to help my mood.

because for some reason, i woke up angry this morning. not punch-someone-in-the-face angry, but frustrated angry, the kind where everything everyone else does just pushed your buttons even if they're not even doing anything at all. i didn't like how he was peeling his orange. i didn't like her for pushing off work. i hated him for not even slowing down when i tried to cross the road. i think it was stress leftover (and building up) from the last few weeks. that cumulated yesterday with the announcement that i'm moving out, which started a domino effect ending with the entire honey house disbanding by september.

which irked me, because i wanted to be gone by august, but if everyone is leaving, it doesn't seem fair to leave a month earlier and leave everyone with higher rent. so instead i could . . . rent two places at once? not an ideal choice. instead, i'll likely be subletting my room for a month. [if anyone is interested in spending august by trout lake, do contact me!]

there's so much i should be writing out right now. like hey, sarah, how was that trip to ottawa? tell us about the hippie commune in montreal! teach us how to release our hips and chests and feel absolutely phenomenal! regale us with tales of inspiration and awe and ideas you came up with!

write about how you were so inspired, and then came home just to watch that inspiration dissipate into the great beyond, as your mind got muddled and fuzzy until you spent hours this morning flipping through job postings, not feeling like any of them were right for you, but feeling that you should apply for every single one because right now you're the classic example of a failure, even though you specifically chose to not get a job right now! blather on about how all this time you should have been developing yourself, doing all these projects and plans that get pushed off because you don't have time, only now you haven't done a single thing because you spend the time feeling like you should be making money, rather than allowing yourself to just be!

instead, because it's late, i leave all those things up there as ideas, strings of thoughts that lead to something far more interesting, but which sound rather dull and selfish as they are.

instead, i'll say that today, after putting up with fuzziness and sadness and confusion and the inability to do anything because i couldn't even think, i discovered that the cure for this sort of mundane stressful freakout is apparently caffeine. who'd have guessed, that the way to calm down and relax my mind, to make it let go of everything that's worrying me, is to charge it with extreme energy in the form of an icy, tasty, chocolatey mocha with whipped cream on top, while roasting in the sunshine. suddenly, everything becomes clear.

and i end up sitting here awake at 2:31. but i suppose everything has its downside, afterall.

Monday, June 19, 2006

today was a good day. there wasn't a lot accomplished. but a lot of milling about. all in all, rather lovely. rather than a real post, however, i'll put up a picture from today's poorly-named, possibly-overdone, commercial drive festival. it seems to sum up a lot of what's been going on for me lately. in full metaphorical manner.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

not dead. just busy.

and in ottawa! national c/c radio conference is this week. starts today. schedule's insane, but intriguing. since arriving here, i've walked a lot, gotten a tan again, gone through the parliament buildings having inappropriate conversations the whole time, sat in on question period in the house of commons (the infantile namecalling and answering-without-answering felt so familiar), walked right past jack layton in the hallway, crossed over the hull, heard a lot of french, spoken some french, found out that it's the ottawa dance festival and made a fortuitous connection with someone who works there who's gotten me into one show free and hinted that she could do it again if there's anything else i have time to see, found out about a bodac-y like group out here, spread some word about bodac, signed up to volunteer at the world peace forum when i'm back (because i don't have enough to do), met strange people, discussed philosophy with charismatic hull-types over indian food.

and on the way here i met a guy who designs the plane walkways that let you get into a plane nice and warm and dry, and i finally saw an episode of Alias, so i maybe kinda understand what people rave on about.

fun fun fun!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

[a short list of]
things that don't happen often enough after childhood
- feet so wet they squeak when you walk
- yelling at the top of your lungs for no good reason
(unless being rescued from forced standing-by-a-tree-because-you-were-told-to is a good reason)
- dirty, mud-stained jeans
- fogged-up glasses
- taunting relative strangers while not actually being an ass
(it's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye!)
- wondering if you'll be eaten by bears

oh, (dis)organised sports! such fun!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

playing with sodaconstructor while this music plays in the background feels very creepy, and possibly something that would be in an eclectic french film, as some tiny creatures are slowly tortured to death.

now i almost feel a little queasy. but not quite.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

yesterday, while driving from victoria to the schwartz bay ferry terminal, i asked my mom to tell me a story about her dad (who died when i was 1). she ended up telling me about every place she lived, probably because that's the easiest way for her to tell it. in the end, it wasn't so much about him as it was about her picking up and moving every few months, but always being excited about it. she's always liked telling stories. and i'd heard a couple of them before. but not all of them.

apparently my grandfather wasn't much of a family man. he did, however like to meet Important People. i'd already known that albert schweitzer was my mom's godfather. i didn't know that my grandfather translated a book for him, and that was the connection between them all. but the better story is how my grandfather was taking the train from ON to Vancouver, and the train got stuck somewhere for a short while, so he walked down the cars until he found the one he was looking for, and went into John Diefenbaker's compartment and chatted with the prime minister for a good hour or more. because he wanted to. just like why they moved all the time. because he wanted to.

interesting stuff. too bad he's long dead. and all of his things are gone, too. would've been interesting to know him a bit more.

also, i kinda climbed a tree on saturday. i need to start climbing trees more, again. if that's not reason to get serious about the physio exercises, then i don't know what is.

also also, had a conversation about how everyone in my family knows that they're right about pretty much everything, and they know that everyone else is wrong. it's just a matter of how we play it out. my mother does it by not hearing the other reasons. my sister does it with some form of logic. daniel does it with silent superiority. david does it with loud arguments. my dad does it by forgetting others' ideas. feel free to fill in my style, but i know i do it too. but i was most certainly right when i said we missed the turnoff!

also also also, i can kick my mom's ass at sudoku. but i didn't gloat outwardly about it. because it's enough just to know that i'm right.

just like everyone else in my family.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

it's been awhile since i played cricket. alas, i'm away this weekend, so it will continue to be awhile since i've played cricket. but maybe it won't be for you! rob (aka guy in the cow/scary clown suit) is starting Saturdays in the Park. if you're cool, you're invited.

are you cool?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

CATCH-UP TIME!

and the easiest way to catch up is with lists! so:

1. school's done. one class left, and then i have a bunch of degrees. that's fun. whether they'll get me a job is a different story.

2. work's done. that's a relief. i'll miss some people, i'll miss parts of the job, but i'm looking forward to something new.

3. because it seemed like a good idea (and financially viable) i was going to take a few weeks to a month off from trying to find a new job, so that i could work on all the projects and ideas i always want to do, but never have time to do. my list is still incomplete, but it's going. i was excited about it. i still am excited about it.

4. then, day one of "sarah time", we found out that two people are leaving our house within the next two months, and given the current frustrations with the landlord and everything feeling as though it's up in the air, all of us are pretty much figuring we're going to leave soon. thought it wouldn't be until august. but maybe now it's sooner. but it makes not working suddenly seem like not the best idea.

Insert A: so i'm totally open to odd jobs for occasional lumps of money right now. seriously. got something you need help with? hear of something? please let me know! i still don't want to commit to anything on a long-term basis right now, but i do like to eat.

5. so karl and i checked out a place yesterday. we haven't really spoken about it with the other housemates (who are staying) yet because we don't even know how serious we are about it. but. it's beaYOUtiful. hard wood floors, gas stove, big spacious rooms, lots of light, pink palace, patios, friendly people living in other units in the house, gardens, cats, i'm quite smitten. but it's more than i pay here (no surprise), and we'd need another person to live with us -- maybe a couple.

Insert B: know of anyone(s) looking for a place near commercial station for june 1? please let karl or me know. we've got certain criteria figured out already, but the big ones are standards of cleanliness akin to ours, must like cats, and won't play country music (unless it's cheesy stuff). this is, of course, contingent on the pink palace landlord telling us that we're welcome to live there in the first place.

6. that said, i kinda wonder if i shouldn't be finding a new set of flatmates to move in with, and just take an open room, rather than karl and i trying to move out together. not that i don't want to live with him. but the whole "expand your social sphere by living with new folks" is an option.

7. i found my clarinet. it was free. accessories were less than $10. lessons start today. as usual, they'll be the "teach yourself backwards" kind, sorta like my old guitar lessons.

8. starlight mints are playing here next saturday night. unfortunately i already said i'd go to victoria with my mom that weekend. i'm sad. very sad. you: go see them in my place, and enjoy them as much as i would. i may give you money for you to buy me a t-shirt, as my old one's getting stretched out of shape. alternatively, who's up to driving to seattle with me to see them there on friday night? if you have a car, that's a nice touch...!

9. i'm getting labelled way too much lately. i don't like it. unfortunately, in reaction to this, i'm coming across as a bit of a jerk. call me on it.

10. yesterday, after getting my clarinet, i ended up wandering around the west end of broadway. with no purpose. things came to me, i found cool things, including yet another chet atkins record (i've decided that i will grab every one i find. there's no reason for this. there's no value to this. but i'm going to do it. if you have any donations, please let me know!), i found some snazzy tea, and i realised that i'm not used to doing this in vancouver -- wandering aimlessly. i need to do this more often.

11. so now, even though i have nothing going, i'm still busy. and i still have to schedule. apparently i can't stand not being busy.

IN CONCLUSION:
despite some fear, i'm still going to have a few sarah!weeks. if only because i'm hoping to go to the NCRC the first week of june, and don't want to get a job only to ask for a week off first thing. so it's odd jobs until then! and, i think we're moving soon -- farewell, honey house! -- but i'm excited about that prospect, even though it means paying more. the thought of living somewhere a little quieter makes me happy for me and for solomon. and, pay attention, five years from now i will be a clarinet VIRTUOSO! but i'll still put you on the guest list at my shows if you ask me nicely. cuz i'm cool like that. and quit it with the labelling, please? i'm having enough trouble sorting out my own shit right now, i don't need you to tell me who i am. and, chris, you can think i'm yours. you're wrong. but i grant you the chance to pretend that it's true.* and, let's get a car and go see starlight mints!

nice long catch-up, huh?


* and if i allowed smiley-faces in posts, i'd put one there. too bad!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!

very tired.

and still have to finish SFSS stuff. and have to get a new computer. but so far the old one's been on for 30 minutes, and honestly, that's pretty impressive.

and you know what? i have nothing interesting to say. after peter and i talked about myspace and blogs and livejournals and i stated my prejudices against livejournal for all to know and we both admitted to wanting to see journals (blogs or otherwise) with things to say, not whiny selfish tripe, i've got nothing.

i've got saved posts that i haven't posted for all to see. but that's probably way too personal. oh well.

yesterday's show was fun. SOCAN turned into not-so-bad, as i still found a bunch of good music to play. but i had torsten's company the whole time and we ended up leaping through a bunch of topics, including admitting to addictions. which, for me, is like admitting failures. which is hard to do, generally. but in the sacred space of the studio, it's somehow alright.

have i mentioned how much i love my radio station?

fingers crossed: test tomorrow, reports to write in the next few days, and an alright novel about neanderthals crossing dimensions into our own to lead me to sleep tonight!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

okidoke. these are as final as they're going to be tonight. so here we go! ordered from last to first (including the ones further down) if you're scrolling downwards:





if you have no idea what's going on, this is the final project for my art class: analyse something and either write about it, or make art about it! i chose the latter. this is what i'm analysing.

what's above and below this is the analysis.

EDIT: hey look, i fixed the see-through background in explorer! now the pictures will look proper at least.
to quote daniel from over a week ago:

Moten's not-words are like burning arrows through my very sould.

The D is for disgust.


i'm through with his not-words now, though!

if i don't pay attention when i'm typing in an internet address, i'll automatically type in images.google.ca at this point. i can't wait to leave the house . . .

Monday, April 10, 2006

if you were staying up all night here to work on final assignments like the two of us, you'd get a lotus sticky bun too!

cat's not working. cat gets no sticky bun.
one down, three to go, and then some typing, too!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

use them wisely, use them well
and you'll never know the hell
of loneliness!


ed played it toDay on the radio. i got funny looks while i sAng along in the car. and then it got stuck in my head all eVening. so now i share It with you! D.

there was a carnival today. i say success. not like arts county fair, no, but it wasn't supposed to be like that at all. note to future event planners: people like african drumming.

three final assignments, and then FREEDOM! well, freedom and a bad knee. but i bet i could write a pretty awesome rap song about that.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

i was busy writing about how blogs are strangely passive aggressive ways to be friends with people; how i know more about people i've never met then i do about one of my oldest friends; how i stop hearing about parts of peoples' lives because the "important stuff" has been posted, so why discuss that?; how i chatted about things i already knew with someone i only sort of know because i didn't want to admit to reading their blog -- it felt like a breach of the social boundaries to know about important things in their life if i hadn't spoken to them about them; how i want to write things here, but don't because it's dull and repetitive and indulgent and my friends have already heard it; and how i think it's a problem that you can know so much about someone without having to have ever made contact with them. but i still read about peoples' lives surreptitiously, and keep them linked, and secretly wonder (worry?) when they've disappeared for months, even though i don't even know their real name.

and they have no idea that i even exist.

and that's just weird.

but then i realised that i couldn't explain meself without sounding like an idiot and decided to post music instead. because it's witty and makes me laugh.

Monday, April 03, 2006

1) have a listen to luxuria music if you're bored at work. your co-workers will likely go mad. i think it's wonderful, though -- i've never gotten to listen to so much cheezy exotica music on an ongoing basis before. sometimes it gets a little boring in the evenings, but generally it's good. so good that i've decided to donate to them. even though i have very little money to my name at the moment. but hey, radio's gotta have money!

2) once co-workers have gone mad, go here and get a new record to play. ad nauseum. sing along. dance. giggle. and maybe start to love this magical german website where all these full-length albums are hiding, even if they have frustrating downloading limitations. (go here to find a different style of annoyance, thanks to peter.)

3) when everyone's ready to kill you and demands you turn off that album, go here and start building your collection of cover tunes. continue to dance. sing. giggle. wear tinfoil.

crazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

and then afterwards scroll through both of those sites some more and learn about secos e molhados. then watch them.

wow. this is like winning the lottery. only without the millions of dollars. and the taxes. and the friends that come out of the woodwork. actually, i might alienate a lot more people this way. maybe this isn't anything like winning the lottery, actually.

oh, if only i had a working computer that i could download all this music to!

[EDIT] how can i not link to os mutantes tracks? i have to thank the random email that sent me on a simple search that brought all this up!

and, i want to go to late-60s/early-70s brazil. who wants to come with me?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

daniel pulled me from my enjoyment of sports night and bad-fanfic-mockery (so long since i last read it, and it hasn't gotten any better)...
    "Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore."


...to tell me amazing news. now, if amazing means bizarre, ridiculous, awesome, or just an eyebrow-raise, that's up to you to decide. in the meantime:


happy valley, happy trees, happy bob!

but,


not so happy valley. and not so happy bob. from the not so happy site.


oh, and hey, anybody interested in a plague?

Friday, March 31, 2006

(i know it's old news, i know i knew it years back, i don't care. it's a cheer-y'all-up post.)

i wanted to put a clip from "Sweden, Heaven and Hell" here, but it doesn't seem to exist online (yet). so imagine a scene of lesbian BDSM (apparently the scene for which this song was first written) with . . .



oh muppets, the levels you had!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

also^6:
this is for you!

s'only there for a week OR a certain number of downloads, so first come first serve!
tonight's dinner: steamed green beans, turnip, and carrots, homemade beef stew, homemade fries, and homemade french onion soup.

this is one reason why i'm content to stay in coquitlam awhile longer.

also:
today in the waiting room i shared a mutual appreciation (love?) for q-tips. both of us agree, you just can't feel clean until the insides of your ears are clean too!

also also:
i never realised it before, but i have the Hot Doctor. kinda like george clooney or dr mcdreamy. difference is, i don't really care either way. but i overheard women gushing about how attractive he is not one, not two, but more than three times. i dunno. he's nice. he's young-ish. he's got bright sparkly eyes. but more importantly, he rescued my knee and my cartilidge. a couple times now. so that's why i like him.

(and i like the fact that everyone stumbles over his name, but it just rolls of my tongue. like butter. kinda like panago, but nicer!)

also also also:
i may like my surgeon. but i'm frustrated as all hell that i've got to stay on crutches for the next THREE (3) weeks. though i just had an epiphany in the shower: we've got barstools that never get used in the basement of the honey house. maybe i'll bring one up to the kitchen so's i can cook and eat right in there. it means potentially having to put up with a remarkably dirty eating space at times, but maybe (hopefully) the passive-aggressive leaving-the-stool-in-the-kitchen will be a bit of a reminder that lucky me, i can't carry my dishes elsewhere in the house to eat, so please leave me at least a bit of clean space!

or i can just stay at my mom's house some more. cuz as mentioned before, i will not eat better anywhere else in the world. for serious. now if only solo were here too.

goddamnit, though, i hate not being able to walk properly. anyone with crutch experience want to tell me how they keep their whole body from tilting sideways? cuz my posture's already going out of whack.

also also also also:
on the plus side, i have three more weeks to secretly pretend that i'm some dali-esque giraffe creature with unbending sticks for front legs. it's almost graceful, really, except when one leg slips out because someone left some paper on the floor, or because i get too over-eager and start trying to gallop by stepping with my back (wounded) foot before the crutches are down.

my secret giraffe identity doesn't have a sound, yet. i don't know what kind of noise giraffes make. i suspect i sound similar, though. but maybe a little whinier.

also also also also also:
maybe this is the month that i learn to accept some of my crazy. maybe this is also the month that i learn that i won't ever be perfect, but that i'll be good enough. maybe doesn't mean will. but maybe means maybe.

maybe that's good enough.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

good day, bad day. got to chat with rahul for the first time in months. got to talk to dj buttertart in not-quite-as-long-a-time. only had to have one tylenol -- this whole "rest" thing might actually be useful, y'know? got (sought) assurances that it's okay to be resting still. found aspects of myself through television shows. did some work. realised i'm very behind in something i didn't even realise was going on still. opened up way too many cans of worms and overwhelmed a stranger with them. realised that i didn't bounce back near as quickly as i remembered last time i had surgery. used mockery and cynicism as self-defense. helped a friend quit a job that's killing her. confessed some things to my sister, who tried to suggest solutions. agreed that lists are useful. found a [theoretically] great new place to live, which started me thinking about what the hell i'm actually going to do in a few weeks' time. got depressed. missed my cat.

all of this from the comfort of the bed. at least there's a pretty view and a big window. and it smelled nice outside what with the rain and all.

i know that everyone's got their troubles and problems and their own version of crazy, but i really wish i believed that, and believed that mine wasn't worse than everyone else's. or, at least, i wish i had people to admit mine to without feeling like a whining idiot.

maybe tomorrow i find out i don't need crutches much longer. maybe maybe maybe!

Monday, March 20, 2006

new layout. after more than 2 years. it's not bug-free outside explorer yet, sorry, but it's there as much as it'll be, and agnes is here now. so more later.

in honour of the new layout:

Sunday, March 19, 2006

just over two years ago, this happened.

and wasn't that so much fun! in my mind i was up and doing things a couple days after the surgery. apparently that wasn't the case, though. which has honestly surprised me.

so this time! this time, SO much better. despite getting extremely upset and terrified beforehand. and while waiting at the hospital. and waiting while they slipped some other patient in before me because she was diabetic and couldn't wait for her scheduled time. and while they tried to insist that i have a sedative, when that was just making it worse.

the anaesthesiologist asked me if i'd had any problems with anaesthetic before. "nothing other than i hate it." and he actually asked me why and i don't know if he listened or not, but waking up this time round was MUCH better. so much. and he didn't try to pretend he wasn't doing anything when he was putting me to sleep, either. told me exactly what he was doing, told me what i was going to be feeling, and somehow that made it better, not worse. see? my terror is related to now knowing what's going on. it's a deep, complex kind of terror. at any rate, as the stinging, tingling feeling of anaesthetic started creeping up my arm (after he told me it would come), he told me to think of something relaxing, because usually people have that thought when they wake up.

my mind went blank. i couldn't think of anything relaxing. y'know that moment when your life flashes before your eyes? that's sorta what happened. work, school, prague, last-time's-surgery, the last few hours, happy little 5-yr-old sarah who had no clue any of this would happen, that fantasy i have where i wish i were just a baby lying in a crib imagining what my life'll be like (stupid baby has serious issues), but nothing relaxing. so i finally grabbed at a car-ad version of a beautifully calm field (death dancing in the background, so happy together!). and then i was gone.

waking up, i was a little cold. i remember the surgeon telling me things, but i don't know how well my memory knows it. if i wasn't dreaming, i actually still have my cartilidge in there, they didn't take it out afterall. that'd be a thrill!

so i came home to coquitlam. and am still there. because y'know what i've realised? if you're on crutches because you really actually need them, and can't put weight on one leg, you can't carry anything. and by anything, i'm talking about a plate of food, a bowl of cereal, a glass of juice . . . it's a little problematic. so i could go back to the honey house, sit around doing not-a-helluva-lot, and either have to eat standing up on one leg which kinda goes counter to the whole "keep your leg elevated" thing or resign myself to starving, or i can stay here where there's at least one out of four people around to help me out and carry things from room to room. s'funny the things you take for granted.

here's the amazing bit, though. first night? i took 0 painkillers. took some homeopathic anti-inflammatory stuff that was recommended to me, but no painkillers. it was fine. second day, had to start on tylenols and oxycocet. thursday, just oxycocet because then it really hurt. yesterday, not so much. but that's in part because i was kinda weirded out by feeling dizzy and spacey most of the day, despite having had no drugs. kinda scared me, really. today, back to no painkillers yet. probably in the afternoon -- that's how it seems to go.

even so, i haven't accomplished much. watched an entire season of buffy in one day. caught up on scrubs. did some cjsf work, a bit of schoolwork, some sfss work. but mostly just sitting about because i can't concentrate on anything. it took me 5 days to write this out. and it's not so good sitting up at a computer because the knee starts to hurt more.

my crowning achievement? having a shower and washing my hair yesterday without getting the dressing on my knee wet. it's nice to feel 75% clean, poor leg having to feel left out! and i really miss coquitlam water. makes my hair so much nicer. it's not my imagination, there's something in the pipes at the honey house that just doesn't let me feel entirely clean -- i just get used to it when i'm there.

otherwise, i'm just getting cabin fever. and trying not to look at the prick on my hand where the IV was. i was complaining to my grandma how bored i was. "well," she said, "you're always running around and doing so much, you must be going crazy having to just sit there!" and that's exactly it. but you know what? i nearly tried to go to work this week. until the nurse gave me a really dirty look for even suggesting trying to work. and until i realised that the dr's prescription of "little to no weight on that leg" doesn't mean using crutches all the time, it means sitting with the leg up and not doing anything, because moving a bunch is actually going to ruin some of the work he did in there. (i also know this because i just tried to see how much weight i could bear to put on that leg, and paid for it in pain dollars. i'm stupid, it's true.)

so . . . yeah. hi. i had surgery. it was better this time round. i still don't want to do it again. feel free to call and say hi, because i'm pretty bored. and not in concentration-mode yet. unless i can get grim fandango to start working. or if ilam brings the next season of buffy by. then i might have something brainless to do. briefly.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

i'm scared about tuesday. really scared. so scared that i can't really sleep well anymore. so scared that i'm having nightmares, which are not very common for me. like, less than 7 in my whole life uncommon. but this morning was super fun -- two in a row! one of them was the vague, no-reason-for-it scary sort of dream. but the other one was just fucked up.

i was in some place that was vaguely hostel-like -- it had bunk beds though it was mostly empty. i knew that i was there for my knee surgery, but was biding time until that happened. i was working on one of the beds, and titus and mr anas cam up (i think it was them). they asked me some thing, and i was answering them. while we were talking, though, gavin came in the room, briefcase and all, and somehow i knew he was there to put me to sleep before surgery, but i didn't acknowledge him and tried to ignore him. instead, i was focusing on the conversations with the other two. gavin came around, holding a needle, and suddenly jabs it in my shoulder, and even though i knew they were trying to do this so that i'd be distracted and it "wouldn't be so bad", my stomach was in knots and i was crying out and absolutely panicking, even though it was seconds before i was out. and as i went unconscious in the dream, i woke up in real life feeling absolutely terrified, panicking, tense, and awful.

solo was asleep beside me on the bed, and all he did was look over at me, and curl up and sleep some more. so much for cats being aware of when their owner's upset.

i hope to god gavin doesn't end up being my anaesthesiologist on tuesday, despite his well-intentioned distraction methods.
rebecca shared some deep, dark secrets about herself. i should be writing a paper right now. consequently, i felt it only fair to take a moment to share some things about myself. SO!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Sarah!

  1. In a pinch, the skin from a shark can be used as sarah.
  2. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into sarah!
  3. Sarah is 984 feet tall.
  4. Koalas sleep for 22 hours a day, two hours more than sarah!
  5. It takes a lobster approximately 7 years to grow to be sarah!
  6. Sarah is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
  7. Sarah was banned from Finland because of not wearing pants!
  8. American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating sarah from each salad served in first class!
  9. The Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter is made entirely of sarah.
  10. Baby swans are called sarah.
I am interested in - do tell me about


yes, rebecca and i do share one thing in common. it's a bit of a shameful secret in our family. please don't tell too many people about it, our parents might disown us.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

look, it's me. no, it's not a picture. it's test results. strangely, they don't use the word "flighty". or "flaky".

speaking of which. yesterday i spent too long at eagle ridge hospital. it was for preadmissions x-rays. their machine was being fixed, so i spent 45 minutes (after filling out forms) pacing about trying to calm myself and doing everything i could to not think of needles and IVs and waking up in a fog and shivering and crying and feeling nauseas and blood tests and more needles....it was a losing battle. while i was pacing, though, a school field trip came by -- my guess is they were grade 1s.

"this is the laboratory! do you know what a laboratory is?" some kid mentioned crazy experiments. but what was more fun was watching all the confused, quiet kids, the three girls who were obviously best friends holding hands tightly, the little kids who "fell off the train", everyone's hands reaching to the sky when they were asked "do you know what 'pretend' is?" and reciting together that "it's when it's not real!"

and then there were the tough kids who were disappointed that the blood tests were only going to be make believe.

made me realise that i really do have a ridiculous phobia. there's no way in hell i'd be happy to be one of those kids, even though they were getting to explore all the cool parts of the hospital. i'd be freaking out inside.

and this is why meeting with the aenesthesiologist and surgeon next week is going to be the most traumatic experience of the last two years. possibly more, because this time i know what to expect. which i think might be worse.

i feel like i haven't moved anywhere in the last two years. there's a lot that's changed, of course, but overall i feel more like i've been stepping backwards and can hardly handle anything anymore. which isn't actually the case.

but i still feel that way.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Friday, March 03, 2006

i've scratched 4 scratch'n'win tickets in my life -- christmas presents. i've bought 1 lotto ticket -- on a whim. i gambled once and lost bigtime and learned my lesson.

after yesterday afternoon, though, i know so much about BC gambling and licensing rules... how useful!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

i was supposed to go see animal collective tonight. i really wanted to. but march 1 crept up on me and it was only as i was leaving school today that i realised that february was over and the concert was tonight.

too bad, because i have big projects due tomorrow.

so instead of doing something fun, i've spent all evening staring at an article and trying to make sense of it. and listening to cecil taylor and his improvisational poetry. and i've learned something about parmenides, because i thought that maybe that would help with the article. i can't say i understand it more. but i understand why the writer chose to quote parmenides. the whole thing is basically that things that are not are and words are useless to express that which words cannot express. and using that as a basis, i need to analyse some objet d'art. using 1500 words. which will not express what needs to be expressed, assumedly.

that said, it's actually been fun. i just have no idea what's going on. half of the time animal collective was playing in the background -- in part because maybe i'll be analysing that for the paper, in part because if i keep listening to cecil taylor i'll go mad -- and i realised that maybe i didn't really care if i saw them live afterall, because i can't imagine seeing them playing all their music in person adding much.

it's not being sour grapes. i hope they were great. i just don't feel like i missed out either way, in the end. because at least i maybe understand that by something's absence, something is. or something.
cutting poles, cutting branch, melon! ... spirals ... constant -- sooooooooooong.

why do i try to choose the hardest thing to analyse for class? why oh why oh why?

but now for procrastination: these come at a funny time, especially given a conversation i had last night all about wanting (or needing) to know what other people actually think of me. it's a little hard to do, honestly, because it's either all good traits or all bad traits, not a mix of both, but given a conversation that i had last night. so do this! and then do this!

i'll do 'em both for you . . .

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

i've never seen these with my own eyes. obviously, then, i have to go back to france to take my own photos of them!

i've been postponing writing something here not because i've been busy, necessarily, but because i don't really know how to write it yet. last week, even this week (so far) have been tough. last week got better by midweek, but at one point it dawned on me that if i'd said what i was really thinking out loud to anyone, i'd end up being put on suicide watch. fortunately that was enough to snap me into trying to do something. unfortunately "doing something" at work meant getting a lecture from someone i don't deserve to be lectured by, but at this point it's not worth it to point out that for all their comments about "i don't deserve to be treated like this", i was doing exactly what had to be done, and i really didn't deserve to be treated the way that they were treating me. but i don't want to get into that argument.

it still irks me, though.

at any rate. radio therapy does wonders. and buying cinnamon rolls.

the funny thing about this bout of depression is that it's not something i have the need to "get out of" this time. if nothing else, i actually need to explore it this time, even though it sucks and makes me feel miserable at times. something about "addressing" instead of "avoiding". lawrence called it "maturity" or something like that. ha ha.

so. i might not always be in the best of moods for the next while. doesn't mean anything. if you see me around the radio station, chances are you won't notice it (unless i haven't slept or eaten in too long . . . sorry!).

or something. no more procrastination, got too much work to do!

Monday, February 27, 2006

recently i realised that i have free canadian long distance on my phone plan. which suddenly makes my sister seem so much closer. especially when i'm wandering around Superstore looking for elusive 2006 calendars.

talking with rebecca was nice.

when i got to agnes' place she was watching in her shoes with her mom. so i joined in and felt a strange kinship with the characters because i'd just reconnected with my sister in some subtle way.

proof that i'm getting old: movies start making me sentimental.

further proof that i'm old: i can't believe that independence day came out 10 years ago. seems like it was just yesterday that we were sitting in a movie theatre making fun of the whole thing. we did that today at home, and it was possibly even more fun due to the physics and philosophy and sexual politics that was brought into the discussion, but it doesn't seem like it's been 10 years since i did that. it feels like it was just last year.

course, i'm sure old people say the same thing about casablanca.

wasn't it great when uploading a computer virus at a slow dial-up rate could save the world?
when i was in las alpujarras in spain, i got a ride with an amazing woman. she was playing some music that she said was performed at or as a memorial to albert schweitzer. it was a collaborationg between a german somethingorother bach choir and african singers, and the music was a meld of bach-style counterpoint classical sounds and traditional african harmonies and rhythms. i can't figure out what it was called to find it now, though, so if anyone can lend a hand, i'd be forever grateful.

Edit: found the right search string. Lambarena. that's the album i need to find. you should find it too. it's good.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Dérive:
La Dérive, a French concept meaning an aimless walk, probably through city streets, that follows the whim of the moment.

French philosopher and Situationist Guy Debord used this idea to try and convince readers to revisit the way they looked at urban spaces. Rather than being prisoners to their daily route and routine, living in a complex city but treading the same path every day, he urged people to follow their emotions and to look at urban situations in a radical new way. This led to the notion that most of our cities were so thoroughly unpleasant because they were designed in a way that either ignored their emotional impact on people, or indeed tried to control people through their very design.

Sadie Plant wrote: 'to dérive was to notice the way in which certain areas, streets, or buildings resonate with states of mind, inclinations, and desires, and to seek out reasons for movement other than those for which an environment was designed. It was very much a matter of using an environment for one's own ends, seeking not only the marvellous beloved by surrealism but bringing an inverted perspective to bear on the entirety of the spectacular world.'

Plant, Sadie, (1992). The Most Radical Gesture: The Situationst International in a Postmodern Age. London and New York: Routledge. English translation of the original article 'Theory of the Dérive' by Guy Debord.


* * * * * * * * * *
who wants to go on a dérive tomorrow? contact me!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

if you're able to explain Piercean Semiotics, i'd greatly appreciate the help. soon. before thursday afternoon, if possible.

firstness, secondess, thirdness, ahoj!
notes from conversations earlier today:
- security is not necessarily ideal; sometimes it's avoidance
- enlightenment is not necessarily the road to security or success
- "opening doors" is all well and good, but if they're not leading to what you really want, what's the point?
- valentine's day is the perfect day to discuss divorce
- unless you're a close friend, never eat my food without my permission
- Hamlet says: make up your mind already!

...and so on.

i just ate my last salvi läkerol. where do i find more?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

i'm burning cds. they're not mix-cds, because the purpose of them is quantity, not wondrous mixing skills, and straight data-cds hold more music. that said, seeing as i'm burning a bunch right now, if you want one, write me with your mailing address and i can burn one more to drop in the mail. just for you!!!

it's a collection of songs i like, mixed with a few things that i promised to send to various people.

* * * * *

i've lost the clarity of mind that i'd rediscovered during my trip. and some of that not-depressed sense of contentedness. in fact, at this point, i'm lucky that i'm retaining most of my regained semblance of "good posture". it sounds worse than it actually is, i think. the searching for "the right songs" is helping. having people over here tonight (where i don't need to leave the house to hang out with folks!) will probably also help -- provided i don't end up having to look after anything. so if you're one of the people coming, please be a good guest. please? yes, i'm paranoid. accept it.

* * * * *

a few amazing things from this past week:
- realising how much i love being in classes
- snapping at someone in apprehension because of who i thought was touching my hair. it wasn't them, but they heard the aggression in my voice and stopped. oh, snap!
- re-evaluating my impressions of various people, and realising how much they'd changed
- 10-pin goofy bowling
- a good board meeting

* * * * *

what i really want right now is someone that'll let me talk to them all about myself, and all my self-analysis, and indulge me and not get bored and not tell me off for being self-absorbed. and i know i talk about myself a lot, but i say it's because i'm too busy holding back the things that i really want to say. because it's bad manners and rude to be wrapped up in yourself.

fuck miss manners.

* * * * *

next month i get to learn how to write about dance. with any luck, i'll be able to afford the workshop, too. writing about dance . . . and then being in a workshop for it, which means sharing what i wrote with others . . . it's almost as terrifying as improvisation! well, go go go new years' resolutions!

Monday, February 06, 2006

there need to be more people up about about at 8am on a sunday.

that, or i need a car.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

doing half of features for the peak last night reminded me just how much i loved layout. and how much i still love it. and the late nights on fridays with a random group of weirdos.

good times.

and then, having missed the last bus, i went to sleep at kevin's place until the skytrain started running again. except that i couldn't sleep. so i played crib with him and his flatmate and discussed many things, many involving the student press, until 8am.

now it's 9:11am. i woke up yesterday at 5am. i got an almost-2-hour nap sometime between finishing my pages and leaving with agnes and kevin. i'm exhausted. but not sleepy. goddammit.

there's the whole solidarity/freedom of speech/but is it actually what should be done debate. but i'm too inarticulate to state my thoughts at the moment. other than the fact that i don't think next week's editorial cartoon is justified, despite the reasoning behind it.

Friday, February 03, 2006

2.5 years ago i was in a clothing store in camden town, and i heard a song that i decided i wanted to have for my own. so i scribbled down the chorus to search for later, because everyone who worked there looked way too cool for my blood, and would certainly have had me escorted out for having the gall of even asking them a question. found out what the song was. searched for it.

today, 2.5 years later, i've finally gotten a copy of it. somehow it turns out that this song's ridiculously difficult to find. but it's okay, because now it's mine. with all the music i've gathered in the last month, my next few radio shows could potentially be awesome. chances are they'll just be mediocrely average.

we learn learn by by by repetition.

so here's what happened in the last third of my trip:

i met cavemen. we became jolly good mates. some of them are great musicians. all of them are a bunch of fun. i made friends with likal. he met the cavemen, too. they tried to play the pity game, trying to get money, until they saw me. then they invited us to go dumpster diving for a feast the next night. unfortunately i already had plans. next time. we carried likal's drum kit across town one night, after which i had a most fulfilling meal of broccoli and pasta and chocolate and tea and bread and salad. his flatmates made me miss mine. his flatmate's cat is leaner than mine. about an equal mooch, however. i visited the cavemen another day, bringing gifts of fruit. after, we went to the market together. i bought food. they bought drinks. they bought me drinks. after three cafés con cognac, it was the caffeine that was more the problem later on in the day, when my body went into withdrawel. we played music and told stories in a plaza for a few hours. that night ian and xoana had a mini-fiesta. i made stir-fry that was a brilliant hit. the secret's in the oyster sauce and yeast. thank you for that tip, freya! i carried on conversations in french and spanish. people played the accordian and guitar.

the next day i took the train from granada to madrid. likal insisted i stay with his friend. "i know you're able to manage on your own and i'm sure you've got no problem staying in a train station all night, but it's 9 hours and you're going to stay at my friend's house!" he said. i laughed. before sunset was shown on the train. i had the option of watching it in catalan or spanish. i chose spanish. carlos picked me up at 11:16pm -- "the perfect time!" we ate chorizo and bread and jámon and animal-shaped (dinosaur-shaped?) chicken nuggets and watched "PERDIDO", after carlos and his (hot) flatmate had a long discussion about carpooling. "oh carlos carlos carlos," he kept on saying. it was aggravation without the emotion. it was all i could do to try not to laugh. i found out what galician sounds like. we only spoke spanish.

the next morning carlos came with me to the train station. he asked me to write out why i like to travel. when i'd written it out, he went over my mistakes in spanish, but most of them were "well, this is okay, but this would have been better." in other words, i wasn't wrong in any way. just not right enough. that's good enough for an 8 year break after 3 half-years of spanish classes. we bonded over our love of the limbo time of travelling. he told me that when i decided to skip my plane ticket home, if i wanted to come back to madrid he'd be happy to show me around. he figured me out pretty well pretty quickly. on the train to biarritz, they showed before sunset in spanish again. i watched it again. in spanish. i understood more of it that time.

when i got to hendaye, i thought i was still in spain. turns out i was in france. fortunately the train people speak both languages out there. met a physiotherapist from morocco. apparently it's $10 a session down there. he suggested i go to morocco on holiday in order to get cheap physio in the future. not a bad idea.

ivana was at the station when i arrived in biarritz. the day after, i couldn't remember what platform we'd been on, or walking out through the station. all i could remember was seeing ivana, giving her a hug, and being thrilled to see her.

we stayed in a youth hostel. we figure that it's only because we found her house key outside that the on-duty manager "found" us a room. we saw the ocean. we ate at a pizzeria, beside an older couple who fed their terrier food scraps beneath the table. i spent forever staring out at the waves. we ignored the "inter-dit" signs. we took public transit to the next town, only partially by accident. we saw W-Chiens gardens. we ate fries with mayo, and drank 7Euro coffee on the seashore, and walked out onto the rocks surrounded by crashing waves, and watched surfers with death wishes.

we headed to bordeaux and i found out what her life's been like for the last long while. i got to sleep up in the loft. chocolate became a staple food. i met her friends at rio pongo, an african restaurant that spoils their customers with bountiful food and fruit and drink. i got ivana's cold. i met eric, the american who'd lived in prague. we bonded over funny-sounding names and a craving for smazeny syr. i got new sources for french music. i explored bordeaux. a little old lady of 80 years helped me when i was lost. she walked 7km every day for exercise and explained every building we walked past on the way to the tram.

ivana's mother was the victim of an airline strike, and ultimately ended up in paris 24 hours later than expected. while we thought she'd only be 5 hours late (but still missing her train to bordeaux) we rented a car and headed out on a road trip to rescue her. we listened to portuguese at rest stops. we played french radio and old spanish pop music. we had the typical SarahIvana-style road trip. we got to paris quicker than anyone said we would, and preened. we visited tours and an old friend of hers. we didn't get lost leaving tours. we drove in paris, found parking in paris, peed on the side of the road in paris, ate at a quick burger's in paris, all in eric's favourite part of paris. and then we left to make it to shauna's at a reasonable hour. we missed the turnoff and ended up at eurodisney briefly. shauna talked our ears off and i did my best to not pass out from sickness and exhaustion while she was still talking. we had chocopains and coffee in a café and drank mango juice. we went to the airport. ivana's mother was delayed another two hours. we went to roissy and stayed in the car because it was too cold to go outside. we went back. the terminal was shut down due to abandoned luggage that, the security guard explained to me with gestures, could go "ka-boom". when her mother finally arrived, her luggage didn't. while they tried to sort that out, i encountered french firemen, and french policemen. the policemen wanted me to move. we finally left. we went through poissy. and de bussy. and versailles. and the rocade. and went onwards to bordeaux. via tours. because i had to email a file. it was stupidly difficult to find an internet café. but the fellows at the gyro place were fun. we saw a falling star. we had a driving buddy who looked like santa clause. we saw roman art on the side of the road. i kept falling asleep, again, more due to illness than anything else. goddamn fucking cold. but mother and daughter had time to bond.

ivana's mother was traumatised by ivana's living conditions (which aren't actually that bad). her anxiety woke me up one morning. i spent early mornings keeping her company and trying to get her to think about happier things. my understanding of croatian increased exponentially. we made good use of the soldes. i got fancy clothes. i looked into buying a clarinet. but saved that joyful loss of money for a later date.

went to paris. highly recommend the woodstock hostel. it sounds more hippie-ish than it is, but it's one of the best i've ever stayed at. the cat's named jesus. befriended a bright-eyed german girl in love with a tunisian, a swiss graphic artist trying to find her stage, a danish couple on holiday, a swedish couple trying to find a home, dutch sisters on a shopping holiday, an austrian who gave up a promising economics career to work in a hostel and meet people and live in a place he loves and be happy, and a french woman who may or may not have a life beyond what i saw. i spent more money than i should have at the marchés des puces, got a free bracelet for being a pretty girl, walked over and around montmartre, found an amazing experimental music store, put up CJSF stickers around town, spoke french, ate baguettes, bought a book at shakespeare&co. and thought of agnes, spoke spanish with random hostellers, searched for the new holden album to no avail, ate surprisingly tasty home-cooked meals at the hostel, and slept under a skylight looking at stars.

my ticket told me that i had to be there 2 hours before my flight. so i went early. elisa the german kept me company. the flight had no boarding gate listed until 30 minutes before the flight was ready to leave. so i spent a long time sitting in the hallway, time that could have been spent going to the music store that i knew would have the music i was searching for. but oh well. next time. strange being in a place where stores are closed not only one but two days a week. discovered that british airways are swanky folks to fly with. met a fellow who'd been in dubai and told me how wonderful it is there and that i should get a job there -- but before 2010, when the oil runs out. the kid sitting in front of us was the most amazingly quiet child i've ever seen on a plane. i had my own private tv screen and watched many movies. i had a profoundly moving moment watching the reese witherspoon movie. and i reminded myself that i do enjoy watching ralph fiennes act. i often forget that i saw him performing in an ibsen play when i was in london the first time. he was good then, too. i heard a clarinet concerto on the radio and took it as a further sign that i'm to learn how to play it this year. i only slept a little bit.

and then i landed and saw my dad and found out trudy's mother died while my mother was in australia and things are all the same and nothing's changed and it's not unreasonable for there to be valentine's candies everywhere because it's not over a month away, it's 2 weeks away. and now everything begins to feel like a dream and i want to get emails back from the people i met abroad because they'll validate my memories and prove to me that they were real. and even though i came back with terrific posture and feeling truly happy (which i realised was a foreign feeling for this setting), it's disappearing but i'm trying to hold onto them and trying to remember all the plans i made for myself while i was away.

and now i listen to a lot more music in foreign languages. and rachel and i are going to run away to spain again soon. i just need to figure out how to transport my kitty cat out there, too.