Monday, December 26, 2005

warning to anyone trying to call me in the next few days: my phone might not be working. i have to put my plan on hold while i'm away, i don't know if it'll affect the next two days or not. email me if you need my home phone number.
merry christmas!

and anyone who takes offense to me wishing them a happy day is welcome to spend their time getting angry over happy wishes.

we're in victoria. at my sister's place. all us kids, plus rebecca's boyfriend and grandma c. on the ferry ride over david achieved celebrity status playing his guitar and jamming with random strangers. people took pictures of them, they were that cool. daniel and i ran around recording sounds and poking into places where we weren't supposed to be.

i spent time yesterday and today worrying about solomon.* again. look at me, i'm a mommy! but then things got better. we had food. lots of good food. lots of sweets. we watched batman begins. christmas gift from mom to all the kids. rebecca didn't allow me to mock it.

we played donkey kong country. and tetris. and other stuff. i got the black plague. and a scarf. not as long as a dr who scarf, but pretty cool nonetheless. rebecca made it. what talent. david, daniel and i made cds for everyone. mine's the best. david's has smashing pumpkins on it. daniel's has a lot of video game music. i was the only person keen enough to pop them in and flip through ASAP, no one else cared, really. it's funny how predictable we all are.

we went to the beach. david and daniel climbed a tree. we took pictures. grandma likes the dog a lot. rebecca and matt cooked a bunch. there wasn't much room in the kitchen. so we played games. rebecca's taken after my mom and has nutcracker nameholder place things. she insists she's not like mom and that it's mostly matt. i say she's like mom. my mom cooks well, though, so rebecca shouldn't be so indignant about it. i got a conch shell in my christmas cracker. my crown's yellow. oh what fun.

gotta go walk the dog with my sister now. christmas is fun with just siblings, though. i didn't have to cringe every time i swore accidentally. and because we don't quite all feel like kids. just really immature adults.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

* see, on thursday the vet's verdict was that the cat had a throat infection that would clear up in a few days, not a polyp growing back, hurrah. he also has super-developed veins in his throat on the side where the polyp was growing, which is just weird and crazy, cuz it's only on the one side. but when we got home, rather than being smart and running inside, stupid cat decided to be smart and run away in the rain. and then not show up until the next morning, hiding in an alley area between the house and the fence, which is protected on 3 sides, but no cover. so he got wet and cold and whiney overnight. and then he got sicker. because he's smart like that. so i was a little worried that he was getting worse while i was away and no one was home, but apparently he's better. huzzah.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

...and then yesterday the basement flooded. not like slightly damp, but like inches of water and ruined carpets. fortunately no one's stuff was destroyed. with luck, the furniture's all going to be okay, too. with superluck, maybe insurance and contractors will result in a re-doing of the basement floors down there. hope-a-hope-a-hope.

maybe this is a bizarre christmas gift in disguise. tragedy leads to joy. or something.

in the meantime, i still have a million things to do only now i have 2 less days to finish them in. huzzah!

Monday, December 19, 2005

i have a funny relationship with airports. when i was little, i hated them. hated. i can't entirely explain why, but i thought of them as akin to hospitals. not in the sense that people disappear whenever they go there, but that it was a place with hard floors, it echoed a lot, it was very cold, very unfriendly. it could have had something to do with spending a lot of time there once when i was 5. i don't really know what happened, just that there was drama, and that my mom believes that the person who helped us out was an angel. as i remember it, he wore a leather jacket. but i could have fabricated that part of it.

when i got older, i was generally pretty depressed by the airport because usually it meant someone else was going somewhere, not me. the worst moment was when i drove zee germans down to the Boeing airport in washington so that they could fly back to germany in a near-empty brand new plane that Boeing was sending off to Lufthansa...and i got to drive back to coquitlam. i was pretty upset. but a few months later i went to praha, and that was arguably a pretty good experience.

at any rate. now, i get sad because i'm not going anywhere, but today, i was going to drop my mom off and realised that i was going back in just a few more days because i get to go somewhere! this was exciting.

except.

i was supposed to drive to richmond to deliver my dad's van to his workplace, meet up with mom (who's headed to australia), and the two of us drive to the airport from there so that i can return her car. it made sense, but it didn't take into account that mom is generally a last-minute kind of person. but she wanted to be there at 5 because her flight was at 8, and she's going through the states and was a little worried about that.

so when i left to drive to RB, i got a call from david passing on a message that mom was too late to go to RB, that i should meet her at the airport. didn't specify where or anything, and she was gone. so i went to the airport. and stood by the van to make sure she wouldn't miss me. and waited and the drop-off point. and got cold. and waited. and danced around to keep warm. and waited. and called david to bitch. and waited. and got a pointless phonecall from peter who also sounded preoccupied. and waited.

45 minutes later she finally called from inside, already parked and loaded up ready to check in. and i was angry and bitter and cold and with a toothache, so i yelled at her some because i was pretty pissed off. and it was after 6 at that point, so she had to check in then. her plan was for me to drive to RB, she'd give me $20 for a cab ride back, and then i could pick up the car and go home. and i was angry and didn't really give her a hug when she hugged me, and didn't smile or anything, but i was cold and bitter.

in the time it took to drive to RB's and cab it back, i had time to cool down and feel bad about being angry, so i decided to get a message sent to her departure gate apologising and telling her i loved her and hoped her plane didn't crash. it took some really upset-looking faces to get the woman at the check-in to actually get the message sent, but it went. so i walked out, felt a little better, hoped that my mom had a good trip, went to pay for the parking (which gives you 15 mins to get out of the parkade) and went to find the car "beside the ramp, 3 rows over".

the car wasn't on the first floor of the parkade. it wasn't on the second floor, or the third. it wasn't on the level with the rental cars. i know. i walked around there for 40 minutes trying to find the car, combing each floor 3 times or more, walking up and down aisles pushing the lock/unlock buttons on the keychain in hopes of hearing the car beep or seeing it flash.

nothing.

i was cold. i was bitter again. i was pissed off again. i was still hungry and still had a dull pain in my jaw. i called david to bitch some more. he told me maybe it was me bringing it upon myself. and just as i was about to hang up on him, my mom called.

she'd received my note. i'd had enough time to get angry again, so i told her that i was sorry for being angry, but the fact was that i was really, really angry at that point. she told me that the car wasn't in the parkade, it was in the lot beyond it. and that she'd never have told me it was near the ramp, it's near the covered aisle. so we argued about that for a minute, but finally i found the right aisle, and found the car while she was still on the phone.

mom's car's a VW jetta. it's a nice car. and to deter breakins, VW's gone and done the keyless entry thing, so you just hit the button on the keychain and the doors unlock. eureka! unfortunately, because i'd been hitting that button constantly while searching for the car, the battery in the keychain was dead.

this is round about the same time that my phone battery was about to die, and it started announcing that to me. fortunately VW still has a keylock on the trunk. so i had to climb in that way. and i'd spent so long searching for the car that i had to pay another $2.25 on the way out of the parking lot.

and then i came home and diego had left his shoes in front of my room. again. i don't know why he does that, but he does every now and then. usually i don't really mind. today i did, though.

so i called the foundation and ordered too much food for pickup. had to climb into the car through the trunk when it came time to go get it, but at least it was food. and good food. and what i actually wanted. rather than finding something makeshift out of the junk i've got sitting around.

i admit, it's a funny story in retrospect. but if i had the ability to level cities with my mind, richmond, vancouver, even out to calgary would have all been gone. forever. i did write "i love you" on the note, and there was a brief "hope the flight's good, have fun in australia, love you/you too" before the phone died. so i'm not an all-bad daughter, right?

Saturday, December 17, 2005

old links, circa january 2002, discovered anew, chances are they're the same for you:

a compelling analysis of Fight Club
the collective unconscious project - explore others' dreams
everyone play MASH!
the kevin bacon theory was being studied, but apparently nothing's happened since 2002.

wow. january 2002 was funny. everything's so different now, and yet still all so much the same.

Friday, December 16, 2005

my powers of perception are miserable unless i'm dizzy. i just noticed that david's blog doesn't read "si si", but rather "si sí". such a difference. maybe i should brush up my spanish before i actually go to spain.

* * * * * * * * *

go find the november issue of WIRE magazine. flip to page 86. look at the bottom left hand photos. they're MINE.

they wrote my name wrong in the credits, but it's to be expected i suppose when you're name's uncommon.

* * * * * * * * *

as i wrote that, i finally went to look myself up in the white pages. i've meant to for awhile, but never been near a phone book when the thought crossed my mind . . . until now! see, my family paid whatever extra money it cost to not be listed in the phone book. i've never been printed in there in black and white for all to see before. it's a little exciting.

but what i wanted to see was whether it was still just me, my grandma, and my aunt in the book these days or not. because that's what it has been for a long time. in fact, one summer, while combatting boredom, i looked up our name in the phone book and discovered that lo and behold, there's another caufield in there who isn't a direct relative! or were they??

so i called him up. his name was barry. there was the initial awkwardness that can only be expected when a stranger on the phone introduces themselves by saying, "hi...we have the same last name. are we related?" but after that, we had quite the lovely conversation. turns out that it's rather likely that we're related somehow, too. his family was from the sault ste. marie area, and my grandad's side goes back to there as well. and after a nice forty-minute conversation, we bid each other adieu.

the next year when the phone book was published, his name wasn't listed anymore.

and now, i've just discovered that my name's right there, my aunt's no longer listed, but there's a jamie caufield in the phone book this year.

i've got a phone call to make tomorrow.
[copied from email, cuz i'm lame like that]

For those who didn't already know, I'm heading off to Europe for a month, and thought I'd take this moment to alert you:

1) If you or someone you know is looking to sublet a comfy room in a warm and friendly house of 7 (though there will only be 4 others here in January) from December 28 - January 31 in lovely East Vancouver, 5 mins walk from the skytrain, please pass the info onto me (or them). (The cat's living with someone else while I'm gone, so allergies should not deter anyone!)

2) I'll be in London from December 29 - January 5 (early AM). Then, Southern Spain (starting in Granada), and at some point I'll head towards Bordeaux, and then I fly out of Paris on January 31 (2PM or so, Ivana). If you're anywhere near that route, I want to see you! If you've been around that area before and have advise to share, I'd love to hear it! If you know people around there and want me to bring them gifts or if you think they'd be open to taking in a friend of a friend for a night or two, I'd be happy to oblige (within reason) and/or would love to hear about it!

3) If you are a fan of keychains and postcards, I'm very happy for
you. I promise NOTHING, but if you're interested in mail, now's the
time to send me your mailing address (unless you're POSITIVE that I have it already).

4) If one of my planes crash, it was lovely knowing you, and I'll miss you dearly. But hopefully I'm marooned on a lovely deserted island with only my readings for Laura Marks' class to keep me company, eating coconuts and guavas and mangos and going swimming every day.

Tragic. Truly tragic.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

now that i've started posting again, i just won't stop.

i've had some unlikely confidants in the past week. which happens. often you can have deeper, more heartfelt conversations with a total stranger than you can have with someone you've known all your life. there's no connection, no expectations, and often you can talk much more freely about things without worrying about where who story will end up with. afterall, a conversation with a stranger is rarely gossiped about in great detail. if you tell someone later about a meeting with a stranger, it's generally more about how you met a stranger and had a deep discussion, not so much what it was about.

at the same time, though, it suddenly feels like my presence is suddenly a bit more widespread. my metaphysical footprint, if you will, as opposed to an ecological or actual footprint. although it still spreads around the same general area of my usual life (SFU, Greater Vancouver, maybe Blaine), there's now tendrils of me that stretch off to areas that these new people go to. not that they're thinking about me, but some part of the story i told them has gone with them to coquitlam, to a beach i've never visited, to another country, across a bridge, to a street i've never stepped foot on.

so i feel a bit unwieldy right now, metaphorically speaking. i've been a bit of a ghost in areas of my life where i'm usually far more present, and i'm making giant imprints in areas that are either brand new or have either been underused for awhile. i'm losing concept of where i am, where i should be, and where i'm not. and it's coming out in little, more physical ways too. like ending up in a club i've never gone to, or walking down a new street (and choosing to walk rather than bike or transit or car it), or not being able to remember which conversation was with which person and when. and that last one's becoming rather troublesome. it's almost as though it's not making a difference who i'm speaking to anymore, that everyone's pretty much an aspect of the same person, and i've stopped differentiating between them all.

too bad i'm too tired to continue this right now.
an incomplete christmas wish list:

- UV and polarizer filters for my D70 camera
- a decent microphone for my minidisc recorder
- 1GB 80x compact flash card
- 1GB minidiscs
- Brothers Grimm dvd
- Pirates of the Caribbean
- a visit to the dentist
- a new computer, possibly in the form of a laptop
- desk chair
- Batman Begins
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
- widescreen LOTR:Fellowship of the Ring
- Howl's Moving Castle (the book, not the film)
- a magical door that opens to wherever i want whenever i open it
- a european passport
- paid-off student loans
- another me...or two
- a boat
- creativity
- no more polyps for solomon

or something like that.
which is hotter? i just don't know:

vintage porn? or squirrel sex?

if you needed a "not safe for work" warning before clicking those, you deserve to be fired for looking at porn at work. you sick person. especially the squirrel stuff. sicko.
it's been a rather crazy/bizarre/stressful/busy/confusing/relieving/upsetting week and a bit. and i won't go into all of it here.

i have gotten a lot of things done.
i have started sewing again.
i have booked my plane ticket home.
i have had the chance to have a conversation in french in order to buy the ticket. i felt so proud.
i have been starting to be creative again.
i have seen Narnia.
i have been really frustrated and pissed off with people, but that won't change them.
i have felt like a giant fuck-up, only to feel better, only to feel worse.
i have felt like i've been beating my head on a brick wall.
i have felt treated like i'm insignificant, stupid, ignorant, or worse, and i've hated it.
i have grown to respect someone who, until recently, i didn't have a very high opinion of.
i haven't done any sort of christmas prep yet, and christmas with mom and family is on saturday. uh oh.
i have reviewed a completely fictitious film on the radio with the help of the amazing gavin and the intrepid kate. we're going to practice until we're better at that sort of bullshit. but our first attempt with billy zane wasn't utterly horrid. i hope.

when i was living in glees with olaf and family (germany, for those not in the know), olaf was venting about his co-workers one day. he was never a fan of working with french people. seems that the french and german work ethics are a little different. at any rate, he was frustrated about one woman he worked with, one day. she wouldn't make up her mind, or at least not tell anyone about it, until the last minute. he hated it. it was selfish and inconsiderate, he said. because people would need to plan or schedule things, but they never knew what to do with her.

at the time i took it to heart. because i know i can be bad that way, and that alone has made me try to decide and stick to a decision more often. since friday night, though, i've been thinking about that over and over. because someone quit, after 6 weeks of saying they'd come back to work, after 3 extensions of their time away, after repeated assurances that they'd definitely, honestly, be back today. but they quit over the weekend, via email. not even taking a day or two off their new job just to set things in order here, make sure that everyone knows what's going on, tying up loose ends . . . but it's okay, "it's only the student society, it's not that important in the end."

pisses me off. any employer would and should grant you a day ot two -- if not more than that -- to end your previous job. it's only responsible. it's how you make sure that you don't leave others in a mess. other people who were relying on your return, other people who were counting on you being back, people who might not have even known until this morning that you'd resigned as of days ago, because you're sending the notice out on the weekend.

i'm sure you had many things weighing on you, and i'm sure it was a hard decision to make. but you can make choices and not dismiss the values of others or organisations while doing it. i know some of the reasons she had to quit, and most of them were the same sorts of reasons that made me consider quitting. but the difference is that i said i'd do the job, and if i up and left it when i was thinking about it, i'd either be letting people down, or screwing people over. if i quit from anything, it's going to be with ample notice so that it doesn't cause a problem for everyone else. because that's the only fair thing to do.

because that's the thing. dismissing this job as "just the student society" or calling it "my other secondary job" or treating it like the fallback job is what causes half the trouble of the student society. how can you convince other people that the society's actually important in any way when you don't even consider it worth your time? and then on top of that, something that diego pointed out, is the other big problem of people agree to taking something on, only to never follow through. saying they'll help on a project, saying that they'll make the phone call, saying that they'll be back to finish the job on monday, you make plans, you give them a role, you rely on them and their commitment. and when they drop out unexpectedly, you haven't prepared for that, and things fall apart.

oh well. maybe one day the world will revolve around me, too. but wait, it already does, because i have a blog. and what else is a blog for, but to create your own world where only you matter?

i caused horrible feedback in the studio today accidentally. twice. i have a really bad headache and feel ready to pass out. hopefully i didn't kill my brain doing that.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

today's been st niklaus day. so happy st niklaus day.

if i'd been living in coquitlam, or if i'd been in germany, my shoe would have been outside my door overnight and today i'd have had gifts left for me.

but i'm not. and all i had when i woke up was two papers to write.

but they're done now. which means that all the schoolwork for this semester is done. two 1600 word papers, due the same day, the first day after all other classes end. as much as i love this prof, that's just a little harsh.

but they're done now. and the title for each one went on two lines. and there was a period at the end of each. they would have been ironic if i'd been able to think straight when they were done. as it was, doing a filmography was messier than it should have been. but the marker doesn't need to know that. because on paper, it all looks perfect. now.

cuz they're done now. and i went over on each one by just a little, because that's what happens. well, now it does. a few years ago i'd reach 50 words short of the total and send that off because it was good enough. now i have at least 250 words extra, no matter how long it's supposed to be, and have to struggle to edit it down. go figure.

but they're done now. as i was writing them, i realised how well i play the pronoun game these days. i don't do it consciously anymore. when i speak, i think i've totally adopted using gender-neutral pronouns. but when it's written, sometimes that doesn't work, grammatically. but instead of just putting in a "him or herself" or something bogus like that, i went and reworded the sentence so that it wasn't even necessary. so that "the filmmaker" or "audiences'" can be in there instead. i just never realised how much i did it before.

but they're done now. and one of them has a paragraph that i'm rather proud of. it has character. and spirit. and maybe even holiday cheer. but not like christmas. like, oomph. and that essay ends with a question mark. yes, a question mark. i'm daring like that. or maybe just cocky. or maybe just tired. i bet when the marker reads it they won't read it with the wink and the smile like they're supposed to. but those are the risks i take. i'm crazy like that.

and they're done now!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

it's monday, 11:19pm. i have 2 final essays, 1600 words each, due on tuesday, 7:00pm. i thought it was by 4:30 for some reason. i wish i still thought that.

both essays are horrendous at the moment. neither one has a real focus. neither one is bringing all my ideas together. though cumulatively i should be over half-way done the entire workload, i suspect that these 1600+ words are all the wrong words, and that they are ultimately worth nothing. i'd scrap it all except that i don't have an idea of how to start once the files are deleted. so at least this is better than nothing.

while writing, i've done some procrastinating as well. there was a scrap in the radio station (i hit him in the eye with an elastic band, he attacked me [though took my glasses off before trying to body slam me], i escaped, we shook hands for a truce after he accidentally punched my nose). i booked my plane ticket from london to granada. i looked up tickets from paris to vancouver. i eavesdropped. i had a senate meeting. i posted this. i realised that if i'd only taken more philosophy courses, i'd probably have a much easier time at this.

but none of this has helped my essay get any longer. goddammit.

at least, whenever i look left at my reflection in the window, my hair looks pretty cool today. there's points in all the right places. dj buttertart did a good job. maybe he'll cut it one more time before i leave. heaven forbid i walk around london not looking fashionable enough.

23 days...

Monday, December 05, 2005

PETA loves Tintin.

it's snowed. a lot. i've enjoyed it. we had a snowball fight during the first snowfall.

i went to kamloops. it was colder there. and the snow was beautiful. and radio people are the coolest people. the rest of y'all are pretty nifty, don't worry.

i can't write my papers. i've been trying. i'm coming up with nothing. within the next two days, i'm likely going to be somewhat debilitated, and it's going to be even harder to finish them. hopefully they magically write themselves overnight.

i am refering to a dawg.

good night.