Tuesday, August 30, 2005

fun idea from tavie, though when i did it, most weren't very interesting. except for these:

Can you give me some advice?
Goran Bregovic dance music from the Black Cat White Cat soundtrack. apparently i should be dancing my cares away.

What do you think happiness is?
string quartet version of Radiohead's "You and Whose Army?". very pretty. very soothing. very melancholy. possibly happy.

How can I make myself happy?
"Old Museum of Berlin 5" -- from a collection of ambiant sound recordings from around the world. and it just happened to be Berlin. and it just happened to be a museum. and it just happened to be sounds, instead of music (every other "answer" was). even winamp is telling me i should go back to europe.

and if i didn't actually take "doing a good job" seriously, i would.

Monday, August 29, 2005

maggie, on the off-chance you read this, write me! i have no clue how to contact you otherwise.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

zombiewalk pics are trickling through already! sadly, i'll have to wait until my film's developed to see if i have any good shots.

he was my favourite. by far. oh, and him, too.

terrifying children, confusing people in cars, attacking busses, herding through pacific centre (security locked the doors at a certain point, apparently), milling about the graveyard, grunting and growling on the skytrain, demanding brains, reaching out to people eating at cafes on main street, seeing falun dafa and MAWO rallies on the other side of the VAG as we lurched by with groans for "BRAAAAAAAAINNSSSSS!", beating on the glass at blockbuster and the foundation for brains, watching zombies paying nicely for tickets on the skytrain ("but fares are for children, and adults, and seniors, not the undead! urrgghh!"), summoning the rest of the crowd with groans alone, policeman telling zombies to not gnaw on the cop car over the PA, attacking trolleys and busses, eating baby brains (so tender), fixing makeup on the skytrain, eating GRAAAAAAAINSSSSS, dancing to boney m and rasputin, petting a cockatiel, simultaneous groans of BRAAAAAAAINSSSS on the skytrain, scaring off nicely-dressed japanese businessmen, cornering people between cars, finding out that being a zombie's actually incredibly tiring, losing my voice because i've been groaning and growling for braaaaaaainsssss for 4 hours, walking a little strangely after hours of lurching...

considering how many people pretended that nothing was out of the ordinary, however, the overall survival rate come apocalypse is going to be pretty small.

i've been getting practice, however. for braaaaaaaaaaaainnsssssss!!!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

i have a stalker right now.

someone keeps calling me. yesterday they called my cell 9 times -- starting at 7:09am and ending at 11:48pm. every time i was busy , though, so i didn't answer. i don't recognise the number, and diego and i looked up the number, but all we figured out is that it's a rogers cellular phone. they never leave any info in their voicemail messages. instead, they fill up the message time with random sounds. the first message sounded like they were on a boat, hearing waves knocking the sides. another message was some (presumably) unintentionally-recorded conversation between two guys. i don't know what it was about -- it wasn't in any language i know -- but they sounded pretty jovial. one message was waves of static -- getting louder and quieter and louder and quieter, rhythmically. the thing is, they don't just seem like the sort of recorded message you get when someone calls you by accident and records the sounds from their pocket for awhile. the quality's too good.

they've called twice this morning. and left messages. i haven't checked them yet. i don't know whether it's worth answering the next time they call and (probably) ending the slew of soundful messages or not. chances are they'll call again soon, though.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

kitty cat came back.

with a couple fight marks, and a little dusty, and pretty skittery. but he's back.

i'm amazed.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

a few years ago i inherited an albino hamster named spanikopita. spanky for short. she lasted two weeks before she died. it wasn't my fault -- we think she'd fallen and gotten some internal damage that slowly took her out.

either way, that was my record for shortest-time-as-a-pet-owner.

my house has been talking about getting a cat for awhile. everyone agreed to it. it would be the house's cat, not anyone's in particular, though some of us were more interested in it than others. but everyone was kosher with the idea.

on friday kenten and i were at the SPCA checking out cats. i fell in love with one in particular. on sunday we went back to get him. his name's solomon. solo for short. orange, short-hair, vocal, super-friendly, microchipped (creepy).

actually, aside: this whole weekend, since thursday, has been strange. i've been cleaning non-stop since thursday. i don't entirely know why. it needed to be done, yes, but i'm not usually so vigilant about cleaning. we happened to clean carpets on the weekend too, that might be related, but cleaning the stove has nothing to do with carpets. cleaning windows is pretty far removed from it as well. however. i might be over the cleaning bug now. perhaps not. i really want to get rid of a lot of my stuff, after living in a barren room over the weekend waiting for my carpets to dry.

if i kill myself soon, you can all lament that you should have seen the signs warning of it. LAMENT.

but back to the cat. so solomon moved in. everyone liked him. some more than others. i suddenly felt extremely responsible for him. to a depressing degree. i felt tied down, i felt like no one else was actually going to care about the cat if i didn't -- not that i didn't want to love him and look after him, but i didn't want to be the only one. that's the great things about cats: they don't need to involve a ton of responsibility, and shared amongst 7 people, it shouldn't be a problem at all, if only people would recognise that giving a cat food or opening the door for it isn't actually "work". but i'd put all the money forward for him, i was making sure he was getting food, i was the one telling everyone else what we should be doing to care for him, i was making all the decisions. so i suddenly felt strapped with the entire responsibility, and felt like i'd just become tied to staying in vancouver, unable to leave anytime soon.

so that, along with some other things that have come up recently, was putting me in a pretty miserable mood. and i was still sick. i might be almost healthy again, though now i have an eye infection. if it's not one thing, it's another.

so that was monday. Miserable Monday! but by the evening, after talking about it with some people, and seeing some other housefolk playing with the cat, i was feeling better about it all.

on monday night solomon found an open window overnight and ran away. he's probably out exploring, hopefully having fun, but he doesn't know that this is his home yet. and he certainly doesn't know the area, or necessarily how to get back here. and i somewhat doubt that he has the courage to stand up to the neighbour's cat if he doesn't necessarily feel ownership to this place yet. so he hasn't come back yet. it's been a full day. yes, he's a cat, cats come back home, but like i said, i don't think he knows this is "home" yet. and it's rare for new cats to return.

when i realised he was gone this morning, i went out right away and started wandering around the neighbourhood looking for him. put up a few signs too, just in case. didn't have any luck. felt worse and worse because we'd brought him to live with us with the intention of looking after him, and i felt like we'd failed. i'd failed. so i was pretty upset. it didn't help that some people didn't seemed to care. "oh, he's gone? huh. that sucks. well, gotta go to work!" no one offered to help me look for solo. when i asked, people took a sign to put up, or walked with me, but i think that was more due to the fact that i was upset, not because the cat was gone. one person said, "i'm surprised you're so emotionally attached to a cat that you only knew for a day." great way to make me feel better about feeling upset!

so when it comes down to who was actually invested in having a pet, i guess the cat was more mine than anyone else's. and diego. and maybe that's fine. and it's true that we didn't necessarily fail him in letting him take off, because we did as much as we could, we did shower him with attention, but a cat's going to do what a cat wants to do, and this one really wanted to get outside. and maybe he'll show up somewhere still. and if he's as friendly as he is, he's probably already been taken in somewhere else, at least. i hope he has.

i don't feel as upset about it as i did before. it's not that i was so emotionally attached to that particular cat. i mean, i like solomon a lot. but he's not My Bosom Cat-Buddy. but it was my duty to look after him. and i fucked it up. and felt like i was the only one who cared. and that's what made me upset.

maybe he'll show up again. maybe not. maybe it's fine either way -- because considering some of the feelings that were stirred up by all of this, the experience was what was important, not necessarily the longevity of it all.

but now i get to set a new record as shortest-time-as-a-pet-owner to two days. and it's with a creature that should have lasted 15+ years. huzzah.

yes, this has been a very bad week so far. yes, there's more to it than what i've written here. yes, this is in part why i'm staying away from some work this week, because i just can't handle more stress right now. even something as generally-stress-free as my radio show. and that's saying a lot. it's been that bad a week.

thank god for football players, photographs, films, not-so-gourmet safeway pies, crs, cloudy windy days, rachmaninov, and rutles.
i hate you for making me feel guilty for things i shouldn't feel bad for.
i hate you for not caring more about what you do.
i hate you for being too absorbed in yourself to realise what you're actually saying and (not) doing.
i hate you for making me feel intimidated.
i hate you for spying.
i hate you for being so fucking condescending.
i hate you for having to hear yourself talk without saying anything useful.
i hate you for constantly shooting me down.
i hate you for making me regret letting down my defenses even in the slightest.
i hate you for seeing the world in black and white.
i hate you for seeming to be in control.
i hate you for leaving me.
i hate you for signing your letters with "love".
i hate you for pretending that nothing's changed between us.
i hate you for graciously giving me ownership of what was mine in the first place.
i hate you for making what's mine belong to you.
i hate you for making me feel silly for feeling like i need help.
i hate you for making me feel like i dare not seem like i need help.
i hate you for encouraging me to seem independent.
i hate you for disappearing.
i hate you for using other people.
i hate you for making me feel like i need you more than you need me.
i hate you for not being here.
i hate you for using passive-aggressive language rather than being blunt and openly honest about what you're really trying to say.

caveats:
1. i'm not the happiest person in the world right now.
2. i'm not just talking about one person.
3. if you think i'm talking about you and are taking offense to it, you might be wrong. but if you're not, you're a guest here, so don't you dare get angry with me.
4. if you judge me on any of this, i hate you for that, too.
5. "hate" is a strong word. right now, i don't care. it's short and to the point. and it's all relative. so don't tell me off for that either.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Thursday, August 11, 2005

ps: beowulf has officially been put to rest. the books have been filed onto my shelf. which is odd, because they've never lived there before. they don't really fit too well.

but now i made it through klaeber. a zillion points to me.
if you're going to try to argue against me, please argue against what i actually said, not what you assume my motivations are.

if the reasons i laid out were that i think that this is ultimately pointless and a waste of energy, then that's probably what i meant. it's not that i'm taking personal offense to something. just that i think that putting a bunch more words that don't amount to anything is a waste of time.

it's also not intended to start soap-box speeches and hour-long discussions of people repeating themselves over and over again.

but then again, for some reason a part of me figures that much more would get accomplished if everyone spoke a little less. not that i'm one to talk, it's true. but it pisses me off to have to hold my tongue because if i actually point out how useless something might be, it would be rude and/or continuing on with the jabber.

of course, if some people spoke less, they'd eavesdrop even more. so it's a no-win situation all around, isn't it.

so i'll think of a tear drop. that gets eaten by some fishes. who get eaten by some bigger fish, and swallowed by a whale.

decomposing.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

SO CLOSE TO FINISHED . . . but not quite done.

so, instead of finishing, a wish list:

1. fruit salad
2. a hula hoop
3. a minidisc recorder that wasn't broken
4. time to travel while still getting all my work done
5. news from the sultan
6. kofola
7. a fish
8. a salmon dinner. different from #7. that's for a pet.
9. a kitty. peter? sanchez? que pasa?
10. nikon d70

BONUS WISH: world peace. and a million dollars for the sarah travel fund.

Monday, August 08, 2005

after hours of sitting at the computer, writing a new line for my final and then deleting it and starting over again, HOURS, i have come to the conclusion that a sore throat is really not conducive to the writing process.

at least if i was asleep, i wouldn't notice how much it hurts to swallow. or yawn. or cough. or live.

i now have the utmost respect for those horribly tragic writers on their deathbeds with consumption or the plague or whatever miserable way they were going to die. somehow, they still wrote.

6 hours left until i bring whatever i have to school. considering the leaps and bounds that happened in the last hour, this may be possible. but that's always the way: hours and hours and hours are spent wasted, but it gets done at the last minute.

which is why i'm now looking for new music, instead of writing.

damn you, beowulf!

Friday, August 05, 2005

student loans people promised to call me back within 48 hours. that was 63 hours ago. they lied.

our relationship will never be the same again.

interviews for a new tenant at the honey house were held today. we just came to consensus on who to choose. including interviews and discussion over greek food, it took us 7.5 hours to get here. none of it was dull, though. i've never seen zailda laugh so giddily before.

could have been because she was choking on lychee.

fortunately there were no casualties.

for the record, though, i love my house.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

i hate business cards. they're never there when you actually need someone's contact info. usually it's because you left them somewhere else. if you didn't already lose them.

MY LIFE IS A TRAGEDY.

but the backdrop of vancouver city summer sunshine couple with a pleasant breeze is rather splendid.

the cinematographer will likely win an award.

next scene: dance party in my room! bring fancy shoes, victorian dresses, and a mask.

Monday, August 01, 2005

i have sparkles in my hair and would have bells jingling on my ankles if i hadn't just broken off the connector loop just now. i'm wearing a dress that doesn't quite fit properly, but i can't figure out exactly how it's off. but it is. it doesn't matter, it looks stunning nonetheless. or not so much stunning as splendid.

[eurocheck for the hell of it!
shoes: ed's
dress: prague
underwear: vancouver
bracelet: prague
necklace: going-to-prague gift from aerin
earrings: london
barrettes: oundle
so i'm over 50% eurotrash today. now we all know.]


i may be ever so slightly nervous at the moment. i may not be. i'm ready and waiting for the phone call to head off, and don't have anything i need to have prepared (other than myself -- check!). i'm a little hungry, but we'll be eating at the reception so i'm holding off. i just want something to do, but can't start anything because i could be called to leave any minute now. i don't think it's nervousness. it's that antsy feeling you (= i) get when i don't know what to do with myself. and it's only growing because i'm thinking about it at the moment.

the last time i wore this dress was when i went to an easter church service to cut an argument short. going to church seemed like a better way to spend my time.

oh, it's wedding time! whee . . .