Monday, February 28, 2005

packing is going.

in fact, it may be going well.

the s'mores break worked to break the monotony.

i just fear that i'm packing too much stuff. though, really, i'm moving, not just going on a trip. if this were a trip, i'd have way too much stuff right now. but i'm not going on a plane this time. i'm moving, and if i weren't just leaving home, i'd have to be dealing with everything. as it stands, i think i've plucked most everything i'll be taking with me, and marked enough other stuff for storage.

i'm going to miss my blue wall. muchly.
I GIVE UP ON PEOPLE.



and david's been kicked out of school and, of course, everyone is dropping everything to help him back, and i'm actually quite unhappy that i know that he'll move into what-until-tuesday-is-my room and everything will go back to how it was a couple years ago, with him doing nothing and the household revolving around his schedule because he's the one with a problem and as always my mother won't actually talk about anything and now that i found out more she's upset and angry and telling me that i just don't listen to her when, in actuality, she wasn't telling me that in the first place and telling me that my understanding of her expecting to take the van from me because she needs it was my misunderstanding because what she was really doing at the time was asking and apparently i wasn't listening to what she was really saying . . .

i suppose it's good that i won't be here much longer and won't have to dwell on all this. and i'm very pissed off that there's so many things that go on here that aren't talked about. and in part it's my fault because i just don't want to take the time because i know everything ends in an argument, but really, some of this "news" is really kind of important.



and i'm sad that i've officially lost contact with someone that i still want an apology from, but i still want to talk to and miss a lot right now.


i want to be NotHere right now.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

what's the name of the band that's in my head right now, the band that i want to set to download while i sleep tonight, the name that i've been sitting here trying to remember for the last 20 minutes?

can't think of it at all.

Friday, February 25, 2005

oh! ah! ugh! kicked in the stomach!

dashed expectations, even when you know that they're foolish, even when you expect that they'll be quashed, will always make a little part of you fold in upon itself.

and you think about it and dwell upon it for far longer than the that moment of tragedy (because tragedy is so much more tragic when it's called that) is worth.

and the part of you that's proud and haughty and full of yourself puffs up just a little and starts to speak with a certain degree of authority, and sorts out the lives of those around them, and sometimes that comes at a good time. and sometimes it doesn't. but dammit, gotta make up for that punch in the gut somehow!

and then when you're left alone and you don't have anyone else to tell stories with, or dance around with, or to give more pages of copy to, then that little part that folded in wilts just a little more, and you slouch just a titch, and there's a little tiny hint of a sad sigh that might be heard.

and then you call someone up for bubble tea and all is well again. because you knew it was gonna happen anyways.

it's boring to be right all the time . . .

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

the first time shaving legs after a long long long time of not-shaving them always makes them feel oh so very smooth, no nicks, no scratches, no red marks, nothing. just nice and smooth.

so silky.

hey, when you have a schedule that lacks even Time To Breath, you get your kicks wherever you can.

puppy!cousin and i went out to play on monday. we made friends everywhere, again. puppy met the peak, cjsf, swimmers, joggers, english grads, my forgetful prof, parts of the SFSS, all sorts. and puppy gave me a chance to speak out loud even louder than usual. it's fun. and you know that everyone who walked past me wrestling with a puppy on the grass was jealous.

puppy's still scared of walking over the pathway over the radioactive pond, but only in one direction. can't figure out why.

strange puppy.

Monday, February 21, 2005

i have no more limoncello. obviously, this means i need to return to the amalfi coast sometime in the future.

tragic.

i've been craving norway today. i can't say why, exactly. little islands and rocks jutting from the ocean helped. but it's been growing, because i've been saying "halla" for weeks now, even if no one's noticed it but me. and i couldn't pass up the opportunity for fresh seafood today. and i've been holding back from espressos.

it might be the weather -- beautifully clear, sunny skies, but still a crispness that makes you keep your sweater on. it might be seeing lovely views of the ocean, and missing having a boat to go out sailing on them. it might be because i'm sick of hearing english.

on the way "home"* on friday night, mark and i started speaking what little czech we could remember. we didn't get far past "where is the church? the church is to the left!", but it still made both of us happy. well, alright, i don't know if it made him happier, but it made me happier. i miss being forced to figure out everything around me, having to work to communicate, rather than having people understand me right then and there.

i need to go back to europe. i don't know when it'll be, though.

even so, i'm so very much enjoying being in vancouver right now. so strange.

* well, home for that night, at least . . .

Friday, February 18, 2005

i'm exhausted beyond belief at the moment. it's a bit of an effort to stay awake, really, so i'll go to sleep soon. but despite the headache and sore muscles and vaguely-aching stomach after finally eating for the first time today, i'm starting to feel better.

because this was a horrid week. despite the fact that many good things happened. but it was the week that i was sorta hoping wouldn't happen, the week when i finally can't manage everything.

in a large part, it's just too many things to deal with at once. nothing new, really, nothing that actually changes anything. i'm dealing with the fact that i'm sick, i'm dealing with the fact that i've been sick a lot longer than i thought, i'm dealing with the fact that i might have made other people sick in the process (and i hope that's not the case, but i fear that's not true anymore), i'm dealing with the fact that i actually do have limits, i'm dealing with the fact that i actually do need to take a rest, and do need to take time for me.

so caelan and i went on a walk with my aunt's puppy. and i left dance class. and i cancelled tutoring. and i studied. and i talked to professors and actually opened up a little (usually i figure that they wouldn't care). and i danced in a window for an hour. and i helped caelan make sound art. and i sat outside in the sunshine and discussed and got a tan with shawn. and i went on a scavenger hunt for a video. and i ate out. and i sat around and chatted with people instead of rushing off to get to the next place. and i wrote my feature and went to dance class late. and i visited the computer geeks at harbour centre. and i rollerskated around the MBC a little.

and now, things are feeling better. nothing's changed, still, and i'm not going to be able to do anything about what i'm actually upset about. so whatever. gotta make everything else in my world better, then.

summertime's on its way. beach time's almost here -- another 2 weeks or so, i say. soon, i will have a tan, i will be biking everywhere, i will be wearing shorter skirts, i will be wearing sandals, i will be spending more time outside than locked in a windowless room, i will be recording sounds everywhere, i will be having tea parties outside on the grass, making things, sewing things, and i'll probably be getting more sleep then, too.

so now, instead of starting the assignment that's due tomorrow, i'm going to sleep. because that's more important right now. and if i have to lose marks for it, oh well.

(oh, and never fear, there's a bunch of stuff that needs to be written still for me to really get everything out about HepB, but that'll come another time. not tonight.)
i'm exhausted beyond belief at the moment. it's a bit of an effort to stay awake, really, so i'll go to sleep soon. but despite the headache and sore muscles and vaguely-aching stomach after finally eating for the first time today, i'm starting to feel better.

because this was a horrid week. despite the fact that many good things happened. but it was the week that i was sorta hoping wouldn't happen, the week when i finally can't manage everything.

in a large part, it's just too many things to deal with at once. nothing new, really, nothing that actually changes anything. i'm dealing with the fact that i'm sick, i'm dealing with the fact that i've been sick a lot longer than i thought, i'm dealing with the fact that i might have made other people sick in the process (and i hope that's not the case, but i fear that's not true anymore), i'm dealing with the fact that i actually do have limits, i'm dealing with the fact that i actually do need to take a rest, and do need to take time for me.

so caelan and i went on a walk with my aunt's puppy. and i left dance class. and i cancelled tutoring. and i studied. and i talked to professors and actually opened up a little (usually i figure that they wouldn't care). and i danced in a window for an hour. and i helped caelan make sound art. and i sat outside in the sunshine and discussed and got a tan with shawn. and i went on a scavenger hunt for a video. and i ate out. and i sat around and chatted with people instead of rushing off to get to the next place. and i wrote my feature and went to dance class late. and i visited the computer geeks at harbour centre. and i rollerskated around the MBC a little.

and now, things are feeling better. nothing's changed, still, and i'm not going to be able to do anything about what i'm actually upset about. so whatever. gotta make everything else in my world better, then.

summertime's on its way. beach time's almost here -- another 2 weeks or so, i say. soon, i will have a tan, i will be biking everywhere, i will be wearing shorter skirts, i will be wearing sandals, i will be spending more time outside than locked in a windowless room, i will be recording sounds everywhere, i will be having tea parties outside on the grass, making things, sewing things, and i'll probably be getting more sleep then, too.

so now, instead of starting the assignment that's due tomorrow, i'm going to sleep. because that's more important right now. and if i have to lose marks for it, oh well.

(oh, and never fear, there's a bunch of stuff that needs to be written still for me to really get everything out about HepB, but that'll come another time. not tonight.)

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

i was just singing the logdriver's waltz yesterday, and then i found this.

cuz a logdriver's waltz pleases girls completely!

Monday, February 14, 2005

strange day.

found out i'm not-quite-allergic-but-react-not-well to another medication -- hopefully i can remember the name for future reference.

went rollerskating and didn't kill meself.

got vitamin sun.

felt so horridly fragile and shaky.

avoided studying. again.

caught up with ayanna.

had a picnic in the kitchen. picnic police made certain we did everything correctly.

froze to death waiting for the bus.

had yams for dinner.

found out i got hepititis from my mom when i was born, afterall. before all we knew is that she wasn't a carrier, but apparently she was when i was born. somehow they didn't tell her she had it, and they didn't tell her that me, rebecca, and david caught it from her. but it's in our birth records, which we didn't have copies of.


so i'm not happy right now. i'm really hating doctors and the canadian medical system. and yet i'm ironically dependent on it at the moment, too.

at least i don't feel dizzy and shaky and ready to break anymore.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

CJSF party. friday night. anza club. 8th & ontario. $6 in advance, 3 bands listed on the posters, more music and performances and prizes that night. doors at 8. you should all be there. that's where the cool kids will be.

...like ME!

oh, and everyone who missed my radio show today missed out BIGTIME. new stereo total! oh my!

i figured it out. i'm a cuddle slut right now. problem being that it's a little bit harder to find cuddles without the emotional ties from others.

such a sensationalist.

also, the newspaper is going fuckin insane. i thought today was messed up enough as it was. and now i just found out that another person's being asked to resign. discussions will ensue at wednesday's meeting.

that would be the meeting that i figured i'd tell people i'd be running for the upcoming (school) elections and hope that certain people wouldn't cry "conflict of interest!" and force me to resign. but apparently everyone's gone mad, so now i'm a little worried about it all.

oh, things were all fine a week or two ago! why did it all have to change?

Monday, February 07, 2005

it's 1 am

my bus goes at 7:50 am

my room's still a mess, i still have emails to send, i still have to clean a little, and i still need a shower

ai yi yi

and i forgot about bodac today, so no fundancing for me for another two weeks

i'm actually quite sad that i forgot about it

oh well

[i will resist the urge to put a sad smiley here because i just don't do that on my blog]

[but it would go here if i allowed it]

it snowed today, though

[happy smiley]

Sunday, February 06, 2005

i was supposed to come home early and get good sleep in time to be up early enough tomorrow morning to get to vancouver in time.

instead ivana and i got all the way to my house, were busy discussing things all the way, and decided to go to tim horten's for the next 3 hours to continue talking.

so much for making up for lost sleep this weekend. didn't manage it last weekend either. doh.

FUN FACTS:
- HepB originates in asia, and there's a far bigger problem with it out there than there is here. considering the amount of advertising you come across against it, you'd think that it was a horridly common thing here, though.
- the fact that i'm a chronic HepB carrier probably means that i picked it up while i was a kid.
- low-fat diets are actually not-so-good for me right now -- fattier diets make the liver's whole function work a lot better, apparently (or something). suddenly it makes sense that the heavier, fattier czech diet was making me feel healthier than i'd been in a long time. must be a sign that i'm supposed to return!
- there's this funny little mutation that can occur in the HepB virus that can give you misleading readings when they check whether the virus is active in you or not.
- apparently mine's had the mutation, and the virus is actually active in me right now.

surprisingly, it was still upsetting to find that out. you'd think that coming to terms with it just co-existing in your body would make it alright to find out that you're actually sick from it at the moment as well. but it wasn't.

so i now have something officially keeping me in (or at least based in) vancouver for the next year, while the specialists monitor me and figure out what to do with me. which is somewhat of a shame and somewhat of a relief. it made it easier to find out that only 3 more people are needed for the ghana field school this summer, and stay fixed in my decision not to go (this year). so now i'm hope hope hoping that it's cancelled this year and that everyone decides to go next year, because i want the goodpeople who are wanting to go this year to go when i can go along with them. because it would be oh so much fun!

what with that news, finally bringing up and discussing Issues at the newspaper, leading my first training session (with peter scrutinizing my every move), trying to lay out this week's section with a new program, and being terribly sleep-deprived, the last few days were spent feeling empty and a little depressed. oh, and the ed went and yelled at me. he's so mean.

fortunately, though, i've had friends around.

it's hard being at home right now, though. nothing bad's going on here, but i just really don't want to be here. i don't know where i'd rather be, though. maybe prague. maybe trondheim. maybe montreal. maybe at a beach. just not here in this room, though.

i'll miss the view when i move, though.


Thursday, February 03, 2005

after doing a massive cleanout of the arts editor mailbox, i think i've decided that i'm going to actively boycott everything that includes the words "tsunami relief" in it. EVERYTHING.

it's ridiculous -- rediculous even!

today while sean and i were postering, we decided to cover up everything to do with DOA and citr and tsunami relief ads. we felt as though god was smiling upon us when we were able to cover ads for both at once.

god's a pretty smiley fellow these days. he even gave up potato chips for filling out a bullshit survey -- twice! you're awesome, god . . .
rebecca and i went to the PNE in 2001, and while we were there we had our fortunes told (it was first thing in the morning, everything was cheap, we figured it would be fun[ny]). i don't remember everything that was said. but i do remember certain parts. and unfortunately, i don't believe that i'll ever forget them. it's a little annoying, actually.

rebecca, do you still remember what you were told?
bad news:
i got to play with a D70 this week, and ultimately, i loved it, and ultimately, it didn't have a warranty and certain things missing, and ultimately, i only wanted to pay so much money, because i know that the guy selling it got it for free, and ultimately, he wasn't willing to budge with the price, and ultimately, i didn't even try to bargain any more, because he wasn't going to go as low as i wanted.

so, ultimately, i have no new camera. but that's okay. if i wait another six months, i'll probably be able to buy it brand new WITH a 2-year warranty for the same price that he was asking.

it's a shame.

good news:
i move to east van by march 1st. just the simple fact that i'll be able to extract what i want from this room and move it away, leaving all the rest right there to get rid of simply and quickly is enough to make me happy. it will be interesting, i'm sure.


and now that all these interruptions have been dealt with, i need to want to have to start refocusing. i haven't studied near as much as i should for one class. i haven't been anywhere near as good an arts editor as i should be. (the perceptive people should have picked up on this. i haven't been called on it yet. but i'm expecting it soon.) i have to try to iron out some differences while i try to get out of the office more often, otherwise i'm just going to become a lovely little bundle of hatred and frustration. (i suppose it's my fault for being pedantic about wording and finding certain things patronising.)

i will say, however, that spending time at CJSF has been lovely of late. such a good atmosphere there in comparison. it could just be open windows, though, i suppose. oh, and it's nice that i don't work with DC anymore, because now we're acting like friends like we used to.

i still can't stop moving. and white tea is my new wednesday-night poison.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

oooh anything called an "interview" has certain connotations that just makes you nervous. doesn't matter what it is or what it's for, it still puts you in a certain mode where you're trying to impress who you're talking to.

at least, it does for me.

in other news, today's radio show was awesome. ed let me play some records from the collection he keeps in his filing cabinet (hence the title, "music from ed's drawers"). half of it's fun-and-lovely. half of it's creepy. part of it's german. more if it's old. all of it's odd. especially when accompanied by the record covers.

the exciting thing is that there's digital logging of everything that goes over the air now, so i can download that show and keep all the good songs from it! so, if you missed it this week because you're just not as big a fan as you always told me you are, never fear! drop me a note and i'll direct you to where you can download it from (i just don't know if it's cool to be giving out the URL or not). and then dance along and sing along where you know the words.

also, today i had ethiopian food for the first time ever. and just as i was about to leave, mount little happened to walk by the window, so we had him step in and take my place.

timing is everything.