Saturday, June 04, 2005

i should be at home, asleep, getting ready for FUN OH FUN the planning retreat for the board this weekend. because i need to be downtown at 9:30 in the morning. with a bunch of stuff. i'm not sure if i'll be able to transit it or not yet.

instead, i'm at the radio station, where i just spent 45 minutes playing on air because the people who were doing their show left in a huff (well, one of them at least) because the needles were broken.

hrsta, my love, i will never stop playing you. not until i find a new love, at least. you and half-handed cloud. you're my comfort music these days. and jessica fletchers. will you all marry me? i can handle polygamy . . . for you, at least!

someone left four gaudy plastic flower rings and one gaudy plastic flower-shaped bracelet in my mailbox at the station. whoever it was, i thank you. they're a little difficult to wear while typing, but they're easter colours. how can it not brighten your day?

at the moment, i will not be surprised to go to the van and find it either stolen, or broken into. it's one of those sorts of days. without any exaggeration. i won't complain here, i've complained enough today, but short of contracting some deadly disease (though it's not too late for the newly-crowned tooth to develop an infection and kill me over the weekend, still), i don't know what could have made today much worse. everything's late, everything's falling apart, everything's breaking, everything's going wrong. this whole week has been like that. and every time something else bad happens, it crosses my mind that you know, that's a lot of bad things to happen in one week . . . but amazingly it's not quite gotten to me yet. or hadn't. today may have been the limit. it was pretty bad. i'm lying, of course. it was a horrible day, that's no lie. but i haven't been unhappily upset about it. upset, yes, but with the dark humour and sarcastic, self-deprecating complaining that you all know and love of me. and because of the peak. the peak was like a haven today. so cheerful. so sarcastic. so much good music. so much like a dysfunctional family. so fun.

i miss the peak. i miss weekly layout. to be able to play with images on a screen for a little while and come up with something snazzy and eye-catching and possibly-lame-but-funny, to be able to set something that everyone will read the next week, to be able to kern -- oh, kerning! -- and have everything fit in just right, is lovely. oh, oh, oh kerning. everyone has some sort (or sorts) of obsessive-compulsive thing(s) they need to do. one of mine is kerning. making everything fit nicely and look perfect on a page, making lines longer or shorter as need be, making sure that no paragraph ends at the top of a column or begins at the bottom of another. if i was god, i think i'd take the most pride in things like fingernails and snowflake edges and the sparkles of a bubbling stream. overall, sure, it'd look nice, but those little touches, the things that came by accident, id clip those out and save them, all those tiny little images with torn edges, all parts of a whole but never the whole thing, and tape them to a wall. or ceiling. or fridge. i'd make a collage of them. a collage of my perfections.

screw the whole picture! i'd say. the tip of this leaf, that red streak that runs through it, that's perfection! who needs the whole thing when you have that?

sure, the whole language might sound a little silly, but you have sounds like the "oouu" in "caribou" and the "uuu" in "youuu" and the "rrr" in "svetr"! the big things are the details, not the little things. the little things are the fun part. the big things are the parts that get dull in the long run.

so tired. so late. so should go home. so good night.

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