Sunday, January 30, 2005

i've got the next 16 hours to decide whether i'm serious about moving to the drive in march or not. i'm thinking i may as well. ironically, of course, daniel and i just spent the last while chatting and bonding some more. because i haven't been home all week and sleeping over at school instead.


so let's talk about eye contact, shall we?

i like eye contact. eye contact pulls you into situations. eye contact makes sure you stay connected to the conversation. eye contact lets you know someone's interested in you (not just attraction-wise). eye contact is fuckin sexy.

and when you can't make eye contact with someone, you know something's wrong.

this week, i realised that i find it difficult to stay focused on one person's eyes because i think it's misinterpreted. i spent awhile talking to someone else who has possibly the most intensive eye contact i've ever come across -- afterwards one person commented how creepy it was. i thought it was a huge turn-on. and then i spent time completely unable to really make eye contact with someone, and i have no idea why. it wasn't intimidation. it wasn't misinterpretation. maybe there was some unspoken challenge in the air. whatever it was, it made it near impossible to look them in the eyes.

i don't know if anyone else every gets this, but often, in my dreams, i find that i can't see peoples' faces. i know who people are, but it's as though there's a heavy heavy weight on my sight that won't let me look above their shoulders at their faces. if i manage to strain enough to look up, their faces are usually a blur.

that was what it was like with that person. very strange. i almost felt like a had a crick in my neck afterwards, from being unable to look up.

eye contact's weird. amazingly effective, though.

ALSO: not trying to sound flaky and ditzy, but. this week some things happened at the paper office that involved some pretty bad emotions. personally, i don't think they were dealt with very well at all, and i'm actually rather offended by some of them. however, that's not the point of this anecdote. the point is that for the first time i can think of, i was actually physically conscious of the negative energy that was going about.

see, on wednesday, the closer i got to the office later on in the day, the more ill i felt. couldn't figure out why. started to worry that i'd picked up whatever disease caelan had over the weekend. and when i got into the office, i had to talk to someone, and stepped into their office just as they finished a mini-meeting with someone else. i didn't know what it was about at the time, but found out later that they'd been discussing what was involved in demanding that someone resign. at the time, though, i just popped in to get some info, but within a minute i felt positively ill and ready to throw up or pass out or something. couldn't figure it out, and was even more concerned that i was sick, and i had to cut the conversation short because i couldn't even take in what was being said. after the official announcement had been made, the atmosphere got slightly better, but not much, and it wasn't until i left for class that i suddenly started feeling well again.

still haven't come down with any flu, so i don't think it was a bug anymore. i'm just amazed negative energy could make me feel that way, though. and it worries me, because i have a feeling it's going to last in the office there for awhile. i hope i'm wrong, though.

should sleep. get to sleep in MY bed tonight! first time since tuesday!

so. should i move or not?

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