Thursday, January 06, 2005

it's like i saw rachel just a couple days ago. we missed a bus or two, tried not to step on cracks in pavement, reminisced about prague, decided that neither of us really belonged anywhere, contemplated the intricacies of language, ate chocolate, yawned, and wished that it weren't actually 2AM, or, because it was, wished we were asleep and warm. but we weren't, because my plane didn't get in until 11PM and she was good enough to meet me partway to her flat even though she had to work this morning.

she's gonna be tired when i see her this afternoon.

and then tomorrow i'll see aqeel, and maybe i'll see kate, and then sunday i start the Giant Trip Back To Vancouver.

i'm so happy i get to visit rachel, though. as i was heading to the lubeck airport, i realised that i really don't want to be moving around right now. i almost wished that i was just getting onto a plane all the way back home. it's not that i don't want to see people, but i just don't want to have to move around at the moment. i'd have been feeling a little more sad, as i'm really officially on my way to leaving europe, but i've got rachel for the next few days. so instead i just miss the people i've left, but i'll just see them another time, and rachel and i will celebrate being not-british while surrounded by bunches of them.

when i went through customs, the officer asked me where i came from. i had to think for a minute, seeing as i'd only left prague the day before. he made a comment about my confusion, and i said that i'd moved so much in a day that i wasn't sure where i was anymore. "well, i'll give you a hint to where you are now: it's known as The Motherland..."

in many ways, this whole trip has been an exercise in foolishness. i've spent money i might be better of saving. i went straight to prague and got stuck -- as expected. i'm coming home on the first half of a return ticket, again, and will have that hanging over my head until i actually use it, again. i met people i really don't want to leave behind. i've opened myself to the whole "where on earth do i belong" debate again. i'll be a true pain to all my friends once i'm home, talking about prague all the time. i'm going to end up leading a double-life again, with one foot in vancouver and one elsewhere.

...and yet this has been perfect in so many ways. it was what i needed. i'm not doing any sightseeing at all, really. in fact, today's been spent catching up on sleep, catching up on emails, curled up in blankets, drinking tea, and trying to get rid of this cold. it was what i needed. really, truly.

when kristina and i were discussing languages, she, as someone who's spent her uni time studying french, mentioned that really, learning languages should be a "moyen", a bridge towards an end goal -- you learn a language because you want to be a diplomat, or to transfer to another country, or to appeal to a certain market. and i guess uni should be that, as well. but she's just been learning french because she enjoys it. and everything i've studied is because i like it. and now i want to learn languages and live in places because i enjoy them. but i don't have an end goal in sight yet, which is really my only problem. arguably, that's a big one, but at least i've figured out what it is now. i know what i want to do, i just don't know why.

the nice thing is that this time, thinking about all that, it's not depressing or worrisome. yeah, it's a problem, but so what, i'll worry about it some other time.

i think 2005 is going to be better than last year. and last year still had some awesome times to it, too.

oh, and quick question to you: in north america, is there any saying or idea that the way your first day of the new year is spent is a sign of how the whole year will go? i don't think i've heard of that before, but that's not really saying much at all.

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