Friday, January 21, 2005

i'm a machine! a perpetual motion machine! look at the wheels turn, the steam bursting out from the joints, the crazy guages going mad!

i don't know what's going on in me right now. but i've had some crazy energy in me lately. it's been mistaken for a number of different things, everything from nervousness to sexual energy to being on the verge of breaking down. but it's not any of those. and i don't know what needs to happen for it to calm down or go away. there was a point today where i was either going to sneeze or cry, i wasn't sure which. i sneezed, though. which is better. because if it had been tears, i'd never have been able to explain that.

maybe it's because i've just been busybusybusy since i came back, and haven't had a moment to stop and rest yet. and won't for another week, minimum. there's just too much to do, too many people i need to talk to, too many issues that need to be sorted out. and as soon as i start to feel on top of them all, i realise that i have another bundle of things to do that i'd nearly forgotten.

i nearly copped out of the CJSF retreat this weekend. but i'll go. it's up on the sunshine coast, so maybe that will be something of a vacation. maybe not. housesitting for natasha has sort of been like a vacation, except that i just haven't had much time to spend here -- basically shown up to play with the animals a bit and then sleep. next week will be crazybusy again, but hopefully next weekend i'll have a break.

because i think that what i really need to calm meself down and get rid of whatever anxiousness or nervousness or antsiness that's in me is to have a day where i do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. or, at least, nothing that's Important Or Urgent. because i'm even busy in my dreams, falling asleep in dreamland as i wake up in real-land.

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!

in other news, bubble tea's a terrific filler-upper when you don't have any real food around and don't want to go grocery shopping because you're only staying somewhere for another day. this makes Day Two that late-night hunger is being solved by bubble tea. taro, today. almond yesterday. it was almost entrancing watching the guy make the tea today. i could feel meself becoming hypnotised.

i remember having a substitute teacher in grade four -- ms. lupien, i think. her handwriting was so nice. whenever we went up with our journals or whathaveyou for corrections, i would get so caught up watching her write and get this near-lightheaded, pseudo-dizzy feeling. some kind of euphoria. i wouldn't want her to stop writing, i'd just watch her pen twirl around. i don't know what it is, exactly, but i still find meself entranced by that sometimes. when i watch some people draw, sometimes. i think it's something about watching someone do something with talent. but it's more geared towards hand skills.

anyways, that's what it felt like watching the guy make bubble tea. but perhaps it was just a sign of tiredness. who knows.

also, it's early production this week. half the editors weren't around. we all fit into one room this time: me, d'arcy, dan, mark, steven, and agnes. usually i'll refrain from putting names in here, or at least that many at once, but fuck it. the reason it's worth mentioning is because it was really, really fun tonight. nothing supremely thrilling went on, but the atmosphere was awesome. and, for one of the first times i can think of, it felt like everyone was actually always working together. that the conversations involved everyone, that everyone was listening to each other, and no one hoarding the attention in the room. i can hope that Production Night Part II tomorrow morning will be the same, but i'm not really sure it will be. i will say, however, that it struck me how often i was actually talking directly with certain people, how much eye contact was being made, and how much more substance every conversation had. even if it was only about german-accented music about burning bushes.

i have my ideas on why it was so great tonight. but they're only theories. so i'll keep them to meself.

tristan's playtime. alfalfa's having far too much fun by herself. and then bed. beautiful, beautiful bed!

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