Monday, December 26, 2005

warning to anyone trying to call me in the next few days: my phone might not be working. i have to put my plan on hold while i'm away, i don't know if it'll affect the next two days or not. email me if you need my home phone number.
merry christmas!

and anyone who takes offense to me wishing them a happy day is welcome to spend their time getting angry over happy wishes.

we're in victoria. at my sister's place. all us kids, plus rebecca's boyfriend and grandma c. on the ferry ride over david achieved celebrity status playing his guitar and jamming with random strangers. people took pictures of them, they were that cool. daniel and i ran around recording sounds and poking into places where we weren't supposed to be.

i spent time yesterday and today worrying about solomon.* again. look at me, i'm a mommy! but then things got better. we had food. lots of good food. lots of sweets. we watched batman begins. christmas gift from mom to all the kids. rebecca didn't allow me to mock it.

we played donkey kong country. and tetris. and other stuff. i got the black plague. and a scarf. not as long as a dr who scarf, but pretty cool nonetheless. rebecca made it. what talent. david, daniel and i made cds for everyone. mine's the best. david's has smashing pumpkins on it. daniel's has a lot of video game music. i was the only person keen enough to pop them in and flip through ASAP, no one else cared, really. it's funny how predictable we all are.

we went to the beach. david and daniel climbed a tree. we took pictures. grandma likes the dog a lot. rebecca and matt cooked a bunch. there wasn't much room in the kitchen. so we played games. rebecca's taken after my mom and has nutcracker nameholder place things. she insists she's not like mom and that it's mostly matt. i say she's like mom. my mom cooks well, though, so rebecca shouldn't be so indignant about it. i got a conch shell in my christmas cracker. my crown's yellow. oh what fun.

gotta go walk the dog with my sister now. christmas is fun with just siblings, though. i didn't have to cringe every time i swore accidentally. and because we don't quite all feel like kids. just really immature adults.


* see, on thursday the vet's verdict was that the cat had a throat infection that would clear up in a few days, not a polyp growing back, hurrah. he also has super-developed veins in his throat on the side where the polyp was growing, which is just weird and crazy, cuz it's only on the one side. but when we got home, rather than being smart and running inside, stupid cat decided to be smart and run away in the rain. and then not show up until the next morning, hiding in an alley area between the house and the fence, which is protected on 3 sides, but no cover. so he got wet and cold and whiney overnight. and then he got sicker. because he's smart like that. so i was a little worried that he was getting worse while i was away and no one was home, but apparently he's better. huzzah.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

...and then yesterday the basement flooded. not like slightly damp, but like inches of water and ruined carpets. fortunately no one's stuff was destroyed. with luck, the furniture's all going to be okay, too. with superluck, maybe insurance and contractors will result in a re-doing of the basement floors down there. hope-a-hope-a-hope.

maybe this is a bizarre christmas gift in disguise. tragedy leads to joy. or something.

in the meantime, i still have a million things to do only now i have 2 less days to finish them in. huzzah!

Monday, December 19, 2005

i have a funny relationship with airports. when i was little, i hated them. hated. i can't entirely explain why, but i thought of them as akin to hospitals. not in the sense that people disappear whenever they go there, but that it was a place with hard floors, it echoed a lot, it was very cold, very unfriendly. it could have had something to do with spending a lot of time there once when i was 5. i don't really know what happened, just that there was drama, and that my mom believes that the person who helped us out was an angel. as i remember it, he wore a leather jacket. but i could have fabricated that part of it.

when i got older, i was generally pretty depressed by the airport because usually it meant someone else was going somewhere, not me. the worst moment was when i drove zee germans down to the Boeing airport in washington so that they could fly back to germany in a near-empty brand new plane that Boeing was sending off to Lufthansa...and i got to drive back to coquitlam. i was pretty upset. but a few months later i went to praha, and that was arguably a pretty good experience.

at any rate. now, i get sad because i'm not going anywhere, but today, i was going to drop my mom off and realised that i was going back in just a few more days because i get to go somewhere! this was exciting.


i was supposed to drive to richmond to deliver my dad's van to his workplace, meet up with mom (who's headed to australia), and the two of us drive to the airport from there so that i can return her car. it made sense, but it didn't take into account that mom is generally a last-minute kind of person. but she wanted to be there at 5 because her flight was at 8, and she's going through the states and was a little worried about that.

so when i left to drive to RB, i got a call from david passing on a message that mom was too late to go to RB, that i should meet her at the airport. didn't specify where or anything, and she was gone. so i went to the airport. and stood by the van to make sure she wouldn't miss me. and waited and the drop-off point. and got cold. and waited. and danced around to keep warm. and waited. and called david to bitch. and waited. and got a pointless phonecall from peter who also sounded preoccupied. and waited.

45 minutes later she finally called from inside, already parked and loaded up ready to check in. and i was angry and bitter and cold and with a toothache, so i yelled at her some because i was pretty pissed off. and it was after 6 at that point, so she had to check in then. her plan was for me to drive to RB, she'd give me $20 for a cab ride back, and then i could pick up the car and go home. and i was angry and didn't really give her a hug when she hugged me, and didn't smile or anything, but i was cold and bitter.

in the time it took to drive to RB's and cab it back, i had time to cool down and feel bad about being angry, so i decided to get a message sent to her departure gate apologising and telling her i loved her and hoped her plane didn't crash. it took some really upset-looking faces to get the woman at the check-in to actually get the message sent, but it went. so i walked out, felt a little better, hoped that my mom had a good trip, went to pay for the parking (which gives you 15 mins to get out of the parkade) and went to find the car "beside the ramp, 3 rows over".

the car wasn't on the first floor of the parkade. it wasn't on the second floor, or the third. it wasn't on the level with the rental cars. i know. i walked around there for 40 minutes trying to find the car, combing each floor 3 times or more, walking up and down aisles pushing the lock/unlock buttons on the keychain in hopes of hearing the car beep or seeing it flash.


i was cold. i was bitter again. i was pissed off again. i was still hungry and still had a dull pain in my jaw. i called david to bitch some more. he told me maybe it was me bringing it upon myself. and just as i was about to hang up on him, my mom called.

she'd received my note. i'd had enough time to get angry again, so i told her that i was sorry for being angry, but the fact was that i was really, really angry at that point. she told me that the car wasn't in the parkade, it was in the lot beyond it. and that she'd never have told me it was near the ramp, it's near the covered aisle. so we argued about that for a minute, but finally i found the right aisle, and found the car while she was still on the phone.

mom's car's a VW jetta. it's a nice car. and to deter breakins, VW's gone and done the keyless entry thing, so you just hit the button on the keychain and the doors unlock. eureka! unfortunately, because i'd been hitting that button constantly while searching for the car, the battery in the keychain was dead.

this is round about the same time that my phone battery was about to die, and it started announcing that to me. fortunately VW still has a keylock on the trunk. so i had to climb in that way. and i'd spent so long searching for the car that i had to pay another $2.25 on the way out of the parking lot.

and then i came home and diego had left his shoes in front of my room. again. i don't know why he does that, but he does every now and then. usually i don't really mind. today i did, though.

so i called the foundation and ordered too much food for pickup. had to climb into the car through the trunk when it came time to go get it, but at least it was food. and good food. and what i actually wanted. rather than finding something makeshift out of the junk i've got sitting around.

i admit, it's a funny story in retrospect. but if i had the ability to level cities with my mind, richmond, vancouver, even out to calgary would have all been gone. forever. i did write "i love you" on the note, and there was a brief "hope the flight's good, have fun in australia, love you/you too" before the phone died. so i'm not an all-bad daughter, right?

Saturday, December 17, 2005

old links, circa january 2002, discovered anew, chances are they're the same for you:

a compelling analysis of Fight Club
the collective unconscious project - explore others' dreams
everyone play MASH!
the kevin bacon theory was being studied, but apparently nothing's happened since 2002.

wow. january 2002 was funny. everything's so different now, and yet still all so much the same.

Friday, December 16, 2005

my powers of perception are miserable unless i'm dizzy. i just noticed that david's blog doesn't read "si si", but rather "si sí". such a difference. maybe i should brush up my spanish before i actually go to spain.

* * * * * * * * *

go find the november issue of WIRE magazine. flip to page 86. look at the bottom left hand photos. they're MINE.

they wrote my name wrong in the credits, but it's to be expected i suppose when you're name's uncommon.

* * * * * * * * *

as i wrote that, i finally went to look myself up in the white pages. i've meant to for awhile, but never been near a phone book when the thought crossed my mind . . . until now! see, my family paid whatever extra money it cost to not be listed in the phone book. i've never been printed in there in black and white for all to see before. it's a little exciting.

but what i wanted to see was whether it was still just me, my grandma, and my aunt in the book these days or not. because that's what it has been for a long time. in fact, one summer, while combatting boredom, i looked up our name in the phone book and discovered that lo and behold, there's another caufield in there who isn't a direct relative! or were they??

so i called him up. his name was barry. there was the initial awkwardness that can only be expected when a stranger on the phone introduces themselves by saying, "hi...we have the same last name. are we related?" but after that, we had quite the lovely conversation. turns out that it's rather likely that we're related somehow, too. his family was from the sault ste. marie area, and my grandad's side goes back to there as well. and after a nice forty-minute conversation, we bid each other adieu.

the next year when the phone book was published, his name wasn't listed anymore.

and now, i've just discovered that my name's right there, my aunt's no longer listed, but there's a jamie caufield in the phone book this year.

i've got a phone call to make tomorrow.
[copied from email, cuz i'm lame like that]

For those who didn't already know, I'm heading off to Europe for a month, and thought I'd take this moment to alert you:

1) If you or someone you know is looking to sublet a comfy room in a warm and friendly house of 7 (though there will only be 4 others here in January) from December 28 - January 31 in lovely East Vancouver, 5 mins walk from the skytrain, please pass the info onto me (or them). (The cat's living with someone else while I'm gone, so allergies should not deter anyone!)

2) I'll be in London from December 29 - January 5 (early AM). Then, Southern Spain (starting in Granada), and at some point I'll head towards Bordeaux, and then I fly out of Paris on January 31 (2PM or so, Ivana). If you're anywhere near that route, I want to see you! If you've been around that area before and have advise to share, I'd love to hear it! If you know people around there and want me to bring them gifts or if you think they'd be open to taking in a friend of a friend for a night or two, I'd be happy to oblige (within reason) and/or would love to hear about it!

3) If you are a fan of keychains and postcards, I'm very happy for
you. I promise NOTHING, but if you're interested in mail, now's the
time to send me your mailing address (unless you're POSITIVE that I have it already).

4) If one of my planes crash, it was lovely knowing you, and I'll miss you dearly. But hopefully I'm marooned on a lovely deserted island with only my readings for Laura Marks' class to keep me company, eating coconuts and guavas and mangos and going swimming every day.

Tragic. Truly tragic.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

now that i've started posting again, i just won't stop.

i've had some unlikely confidants in the past week. which happens. often you can have deeper, more heartfelt conversations with a total stranger than you can have with someone you've known all your life. there's no connection, no expectations, and often you can talk much more freely about things without worrying about where who story will end up with. afterall, a conversation with a stranger is rarely gossiped about in great detail. if you tell someone later about a meeting with a stranger, it's generally more about how you met a stranger and had a deep discussion, not so much what it was about.

at the same time, though, it suddenly feels like my presence is suddenly a bit more widespread. my metaphysical footprint, if you will, as opposed to an ecological or actual footprint. although it still spreads around the same general area of my usual life (SFU, Greater Vancouver, maybe Blaine), there's now tendrils of me that stretch off to areas that these new people go to. not that they're thinking about me, but some part of the story i told them has gone with them to coquitlam, to a beach i've never visited, to another country, across a bridge, to a street i've never stepped foot on.

so i feel a bit unwieldy right now, metaphorically speaking. i've been a bit of a ghost in areas of my life where i'm usually far more present, and i'm making giant imprints in areas that are either brand new or have either been underused for awhile. i'm losing concept of where i am, where i should be, and where i'm not. and it's coming out in little, more physical ways too. like ending up in a club i've never gone to, or walking down a new street (and choosing to walk rather than bike or transit or car it), or not being able to remember which conversation was with which person and when. and that last one's becoming rather troublesome. it's almost as though it's not making a difference who i'm speaking to anymore, that everyone's pretty much an aspect of the same person, and i've stopped differentiating between them all.

too bad i'm too tired to continue this right now.
an incomplete christmas wish list:

- UV and polarizer filters for my D70 camera
- a decent microphone for my minidisc recorder
- 1GB 80x compact flash card
- 1GB minidiscs
- Brothers Grimm dvd
- Pirates of the Caribbean
- a visit to the dentist
- a new computer, possibly in the form of a laptop
- desk chair
- Batman Begins
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
- widescreen LOTR:Fellowship of the Ring
- Howl's Moving Castle (the book, not the film)
- a magical door that opens to wherever i want whenever i open it
- a european passport
- paid-off student loans
- another me...or two
- a boat
- creativity
- no more polyps for solomon

or something like that.
which is hotter? i just don't know:

vintage porn? or squirrel sex?

if you needed a "not safe for work" warning before clicking those, you deserve to be fired for looking at porn at work. you sick person. especially the squirrel stuff. sicko.
it's been a rather crazy/bizarre/stressful/busy/confusing/relieving/upsetting week and a bit. and i won't go into all of it here.

i have gotten a lot of things done.
i have started sewing again.
i have booked my plane ticket home.
i have had the chance to have a conversation in french in order to buy the ticket. i felt so proud.
i have been starting to be creative again.
i have seen Narnia.
i have been really frustrated and pissed off with people, but that won't change them.
i have felt like a giant fuck-up, only to feel better, only to feel worse.
i have felt like i've been beating my head on a brick wall.
i have felt treated like i'm insignificant, stupid, ignorant, or worse, and i've hated it.
i have grown to respect someone who, until recently, i didn't have a very high opinion of.
i haven't done any sort of christmas prep yet, and christmas with mom and family is on saturday. uh oh.
i have reviewed a completely fictitious film on the radio with the help of the amazing gavin and the intrepid kate. we're going to practice until we're better at that sort of bullshit. but our first attempt with billy zane wasn't utterly horrid. i hope.

when i was living in glees with olaf and family (germany, for those not in the know), olaf was venting about his co-workers one day. he was never a fan of working with french people. seems that the french and german work ethics are a little different. at any rate, he was frustrated about one woman he worked with, one day. she wouldn't make up her mind, or at least not tell anyone about it, until the last minute. he hated it. it was selfish and inconsiderate, he said. because people would need to plan or schedule things, but they never knew what to do with her.

at the time i took it to heart. because i know i can be bad that way, and that alone has made me try to decide and stick to a decision more often. since friday night, though, i've been thinking about that over and over. because someone quit, after 6 weeks of saying they'd come back to work, after 3 extensions of their time away, after repeated assurances that they'd definitely, honestly, be back today. but they quit over the weekend, via email. not even taking a day or two off their new job just to set things in order here, make sure that everyone knows what's going on, tying up loose ends . . . but it's okay, "it's only the student society, it's not that important in the end."

pisses me off. any employer would and should grant you a day ot two -- if not more than that -- to end your previous job. it's only responsible. it's how you make sure that you don't leave others in a mess. other people who were relying on your return, other people who were counting on you being back, people who might not have even known until this morning that you'd resigned as of days ago, because you're sending the notice out on the weekend.

i'm sure you had many things weighing on you, and i'm sure it was a hard decision to make. but you can make choices and not dismiss the values of others or organisations while doing it. i know some of the reasons she had to quit, and most of them were the same sorts of reasons that made me consider quitting. but the difference is that i said i'd do the job, and if i up and left it when i was thinking about it, i'd either be letting people down, or screwing people over. if i quit from anything, it's going to be with ample notice so that it doesn't cause a problem for everyone else. because that's the only fair thing to do.

because that's the thing. dismissing this job as "just the student society" or calling it "my other secondary job" or treating it like the fallback job is what causes half the trouble of the student society. how can you convince other people that the society's actually important in any way when you don't even consider it worth your time? and then on top of that, something that diego pointed out, is the other big problem of people agree to taking something on, only to never follow through. saying they'll help on a project, saying that they'll make the phone call, saying that they'll be back to finish the job on monday, you make plans, you give them a role, you rely on them and their commitment. and when they drop out unexpectedly, you haven't prepared for that, and things fall apart.

oh well. maybe one day the world will revolve around me, too. but wait, it already does, because i have a blog. and what else is a blog for, but to create your own world where only you matter?

i caused horrible feedback in the studio today accidentally. twice. i have a really bad headache and feel ready to pass out. hopefully i didn't kill my brain doing that.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

today's been st niklaus day. so happy st niklaus day.

if i'd been living in coquitlam, or if i'd been in germany, my shoe would have been outside my door overnight and today i'd have had gifts left for me.

but i'm not. and all i had when i woke up was two papers to write.

but they're done now. which means that all the schoolwork for this semester is done. two 1600 word papers, due the same day, the first day after all other classes end. as much as i love this prof, that's just a little harsh.

but they're done now. and the title for each one went on two lines. and there was a period at the end of each. they would have been ironic if i'd been able to think straight when they were done. as it was, doing a filmography was messier than it should have been. but the marker doesn't need to know that. because on paper, it all looks perfect. now.

cuz they're done now. and i went over on each one by just a little, because that's what happens. well, now it does. a few years ago i'd reach 50 words short of the total and send that off because it was good enough. now i have at least 250 words extra, no matter how long it's supposed to be, and have to struggle to edit it down. go figure.

but they're done now. as i was writing them, i realised how well i play the pronoun game these days. i don't do it consciously anymore. when i speak, i think i've totally adopted using gender-neutral pronouns. but when it's written, sometimes that doesn't work, grammatically. but instead of just putting in a "him or herself" or something bogus like that, i went and reworded the sentence so that it wasn't even necessary. so that "the filmmaker" or "audiences'" can be in there instead. i just never realised how much i did it before.

but they're done now. and one of them has a paragraph that i'm rather proud of. it has character. and spirit. and maybe even holiday cheer. but not like christmas. like, oomph. and that essay ends with a question mark. yes, a question mark. i'm daring like that. or maybe just cocky. or maybe just tired. i bet when the marker reads it they won't read it with the wink and the smile like they're supposed to. but those are the risks i take. i'm crazy like that.

and they're done now!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

it's monday, 11:19pm. i have 2 final essays, 1600 words each, due on tuesday, 7:00pm. i thought it was by 4:30 for some reason. i wish i still thought that.

both essays are horrendous at the moment. neither one has a real focus. neither one is bringing all my ideas together. though cumulatively i should be over half-way done the entire workload, i suspect that these 1600+ words are all the wrong words, and that they are ultimately worth nothing. i'd scrap it all except that i don't have an idea of how to start once the files are deleted. so at least this is better than nothing.

while writing, i've done some procrastinating as well. there was a scrap in the radio station (i hit him in the eye with an elastic band, he attacked me [though took my glasses off before trying to body slam me], i escaped, we shook hands for a truce after he accidentally punched my nose). i booked my plane ticket from london to granada. i looked up tickets from paris to vancouver. i eavesdropped. i had a senate meeting. i posted this. i realised that if i'd only taken more philosophy courses, i'd probably have a much easier time at this.

but none of this has helped my essay get any longer. goddammit.

at least, whenever i look left at my reflection in the window, my hair looks pretty cool today. there's points in all the right places. dj buttertart did a good job. maybe he'll cut it one more time before i leave. heaven forbid i walk around london not looking fashionable enough.

23 days...

Monday, December 05, 2005

PETA loves Tintin.

it's snowed. a lot. i've enjoyed it. we had a snowball fight during the first snowfall.

i went to kamloops. it was colder there. and the snow was beautiful. and radio people are the coolest people. the rest of y'all are pretty nifty, don't worry.

i can't write my papers. i've been trying. i'm coming up with nothing. within the next two days, i'm likely going to be somewhat debilitated, and it's going to be even harder to finish them. hopefully they magically write themselves overnight.

i am refering to a dawg.

good night.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

guess what!!!

it's snowing!!!

and it has been for hours now!

Monday, November 28, 2005

i should have slept a great many more hours this weekend.

Monday, November 21, 2005

the color quiz shows up every now and then. and every time it seems to work to. so says it this time:

Existing Situation
Attracted by anything new, modern, or intriguing. Liable to the bored by the humdrum, the ordinary, or the traditional.

Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that it is imperative that she should find the responsive and understanding relationship she is seeking; she therefore follows up any opportunity which presents itself. However, she maintains her attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off her feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she must know exactly where she stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against her own tendency to be too trusting.

Restrained Characteristics
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but is inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved. Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Desired Objective
Pursues her objectives with intensity and does not allow herself to be deflected from her purpose. Wants to overcome the obstacles with which she is faced and to achieve special recognition and standing from her success.

Actual Problem
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

Actual Problem #2
Wants to act freely and uninhibitedly, but is restrained by her need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis.

yup, it works again!

also, StumbleUpon, the firefox extension, is my new favourite thing, and will cause many wasted-but-not-really hours in the future. it showed me this. and this. and finally found this again.
three years ago, i wrote one of these up. it's a little out of date now, though, so i figured i'd redo it. i figured i'd redo it over a year ago. but never finished. until now. so, i present...

a revamped 101 things about me (as of october 2004, april 2005, and november 2005):

1. i love october. not just because my birthday's then. really, it makes no difference. it's just a lovely month.
2. fresh popcorn, slightly buttered, no salt, is my comfort food. that, and pretzels.
3. i hate money. and i hate people who make big deals over balancing things out. take turns, trust that a friend will give of their money or things or time in an equal way another time, don't demand compensation down to the penny all the time. that said, knowing that the world doesn't tend to work that way, i can be stingy meself. but i try not to be.
4. jonny once gave me my favourite way of thinking about myself. he called me "a european who just happened to be born in canada." i agreed with him then, and still feel the same way.
5. i hate making up my mind, and end up spending too much time waiting for fate or time to decide things for me. when i fuck up my life i don't want it to be my fault, you see.
6. joshua giraffe will probably always have a special spot in my heart. it makes me think of driving home from coquitlam centre when i was 6 years old, during a bleak, rainy day, with lots of deep greens from the houses and trees going by the window - particularly norman avenue. when he says "wildebeasts in the WC", the street flattens out for a split-second before continuing uphill - and pulling into the "garage" at our old house.
7. being surrounded by another language makes me happy. it's a challenge to understand, it's a challenge to be understood, and it's fun to constantly by trying to do something, rather than passively understanding everything going on around you.
8. france never grabbed me in any strong way, honestly, not like some places did, but i'm still dying to go back just to speak french again.
9. when i was 6 or 7, during my loner phases, my ears would occassionally ring a little, and i'd imagine that it was some secret ESP sort of language that only i could understand, and i'd concoct all these different reasons for it. most involved some kind of secret alert code that was being sent out. but yes, i realised i was making these things up anyways.
10. i spend too much time distancing meself from the people around me when i'm in larger groups, focusing on the reasons that i don't fit in, or coming up with their downfalls. when i'm with fewer people, that's when i connect with people, if i'm not busy getting down on meself.
11. i'm happiest when i'm connected to water. especially if i'm on a boat. especially if it's the ocean. especially if i can lose meself in the sound or feel of the waves.
12. i want to buy a boat and live there, docking for awhile and moving somewhere new to explore when i feel the itch to travel, catch fish to eat and trade at ports for things i need, grow veggies and herbs and whatnot on board, mobile phone&internet'll do me fine, stop in at libraries here and there . . . it'd be perfect, i tell ya! who's in with me?
13. i hate needles. hate hate hate them. i tried to get over my fear by getting the freebie Hep-B shots years ago, seeing as there's 3 of them. it didn't work. by the last shot i was still curled up in a ball for fear of the shot. the entire experience was utterly pointless (see #14).
14. last year i found out that i'm a hep-B carrier. i'm sick with it right now, but it's probably been fluctuating in me for most of my life (i probably came in contact with it as a child) so i'm apparently contagious, but i don't think it's near as bad as the doctor made it seem when i first found out about it. it's still something that bothers me.
15. ever since i was a kid, i thought that stitches and broken arms were something akin to chicken pox -- you only get them once. this was a somewhat terrifying thought for me as i'd never had stitches. course, i know one person who got chicken pox 4 times in a row...
16. i was never a fan of the monkey bars as a child. then i slipped off them and broke my arm badly when i was 6. since that day, i've really hated monkey bars.
17. i don't remember the pain from breaking my arm. i remember wearing a makeship sling on the way from school to the hospital. i remember the cast and how much fun it was. i used to wish i'd break my leg because then i'd get to play with crutches, and oh what fun that would be!
18. i got to use crutches after knee surgery. the novelty wore off within 3 days. but at least i've had stitches now!
19. i wish hallowe'en happened every month. i just want more excuses to dress up and make up more often.
20. telling people my degree used to make me feel somewhat like a failure -- it was a general arts (no major, 4 minors). then it became a joint english/women's studies major, AND an arts & culture major, AND a communications minor. then it became two official, separate degrees. now, it might also include an honours. before, i felt that after so many years at school, i should have had at least one major. but then everyone always sounded impressed that there's 4 minors. i think i might actually be happy with it now, too.
21. i want to stay in school forever. if i can keep finding free courses around town, i might feel alright about graduating (if i ever do). i just like learning too much.
22. lavender is one of my favourite smells (and gelato flavours), closely followed by freshly-cut wood, ocean, snow, just-extinguished-candle, pumpkin pie, and whatever mel k's smell is.
23. if i had the opportunity to name a child right now, its name would be nissa (f), jordan (f), katka (f), ashley (m), sverre (m), caelen (m), or chris (m).
24. stefan would be on the previous list if i didn't have a stefan in my past. but never stephen or steven. never. or brian.
25. i love shoulders. probably because i don't like mine. but other peoples' shoulders are beautiful. as are collarbones. and calves. my sisters' included.
26. speaking of bones, i think my hips are fascinating because they're actually very differently-shaped. the left one's rounded on the front, while the right one has a sharp edge to it. nature's cool.
27. i don't have my wisdom teeth. they were taken out in grade 12. i was put under for it, but was too hardcore to succomb to sleep when i got home and instead stayed up the rest of day out of stubbornness.
28. i expected my knee surgery to be somewhat similar to having my wisdom teeth out -- waking up and being in a minor bit of pain and a little groggy, but not unable to do things. i was very wrong.
29. waking up from surgery was the most terrifying thing of my life. no one prepared me for waking up not knowing what happened, or the chills, or the trauma of it all. i think it's all part to blame for falling into depression this year -- seriously. if you're used to being invincible and not needing help, it's a real shock to the system to suddenly be helpless.
30. yes, i always felt that i didn't need anyone else, that i was independent, that i was perfectly self-sufficient. sometime during the past year, this changed. that doesn't mean that i believe it yet, though.
31. the pets we've owned over the course of my life has included 6 cats, 2 rabbits, 1 guinea pig, 2 hamsters, 1 german shepherd, and rebecca had a couple fish. i don't think any of them died of "natural causes" (except maybe the guinea pig). the cancer got a bunch of them. the polio got my rabbit. poor bunny could have used a wheelchair for its hind legs before we put him down.
32. of the two cats at coquitlam!home, one thinks she's a queen and rules the world, and the other one is schizophrenic. when we chose the schizo cat, rebecca and i thought she'd be the coolest cat ever. we were wrong. she's got soft fur, though.
33. i missed having a pet here at the honeymustard house. alas, karl's allergic. but then we got solomon, who rivals marmalade in terms of being cool. but no cat was cooler than marmalade.
34. i've always wanted to go climb the sulfur piles out near the barnet highway. not too sure what security is like there.
35. rebecca and i always meant to try to sneak into "Russia" (a.k.a. the BC Hydro plant in belcarra) just for the hell of it. and one day we will.
36. oh yeah. i have 3 siblings: rebecca, david, and daniel. david and i aren't close at all. daniel is why i was sane living at home until recently. rebecca and i hated each other in the past. now we seem to get along fine much of the time. but she's far away in victoria.
37. i have a radio show. it's here. getting to play on air is always one of the highlights of my week. if i miss it, my week is never as good.
38. people think i'm a music snob. and i am, i suppose. but that doesn't necessarily mean i don't like lame cheesy music. as i write this, i'm listening to the newest madonna. and i have a solid collection of geeky and/or lame music. my collection of accordian music needs to grow.
39. i was taught to play piano from when i was 3 onwards. and i consider myself able to play piano. i don't think i can do it well -- never did. but liked to pretend that i could. i miss having a piano in the next room, now, because there's nothing more calming than playing a few pieces for the fun of it.
40. i like hats. there's 10 lying about in my sight at this very moment. i don't get to wear all of them so often, though.
41. i also like striped socks. and knit wool socks. bonus if they're coloured.
42. i've been meaning to pull out my sewing machine and actually make some clothes. i enjoy sewing. handstitching (with cheesy movies playing in the background) is therapeutic.
43. watching people write or draw is hypnotic to me. if i let meself, i'd find meself completely entranced by my teachers' handwriting as they wrote on the board or in my book as i watched. same with watching people draw. i don't know why, but it's hypnotic.
44. licorice tea is nectar of the gods. salty licorice is their candy.
45. i'll never be able to be a real vegetarian, if only because i really love lamb.
46. i've had 7 holes put into me for aesthetic purposes: 4 earlobe piercings, 1 top-of-the-ear, tongue, and nose. the nose-piercing felt the best. for that reason, i want to get another nose piercing some day.
47. i had to take out the tongue piercing because of the "th" sound in english. if my tongue didn't have to make that movement, my mouth would be perfectly happy with a piercing in it. fuck english.
48. i've never been very flexible. i was the only person allowed to be in the higher levels of gymnastics even though i couldn't do the splits. my body's just like that.
49. although i feel like i've recently discovered dancing as "something that i can do too," i was actually in ballet, jazz, and modern dance classes as a kid. i remember going up to SFU for classes, though i have no clue what room it was in now.
50. my aunt's the arts faculty advisor at my school. i really should visit her more often than i do. i'm sorry i don't know her better because she actually seems quite interesting. and she has the cutest puppy in the world. named hugo.
51. i only have 3 cousins. we're not close. colin and i are mere months apart in age, and we always seem to be in the same general area. and we share a friend. you'd think we'd actually end up meeting up sometime.
52. i wrote everything before this last october, and then promptly forgot about the file. i just reread everything now and had to edit comments and wish i hadn't written some things in the order that they're in. but i'm too lazy to renumber. from here onwards, i wrote these in april this year.
53. i think that working at The Peak was the first time i ever embraced a place i worked and claimed it as a part of me.
54. i first walked into The Peak office because i thought that it would be neat to write for the paper. then i found out don mckellar was coming to town, and used The Peak as a means to meet and interview him. jodi and kept him for far too long, but he was nice enough to stay with us for all our questions. later that night he introduced us to callum keith rennie. we were pretty excited. when i interviewed don last year, when he was back in town for Childstar, it felt almost like a complete cycle of Peakiness.
54. recently, i keep getting the feeling that i'll run into someone i know if i caught this bus or took that shortcut or waited at this intersection for another minute or i'll be getting a phonecall a minute from now so i'd best turn off the ringer now (cuz i'm in class, y'see). i've been right every time. and each time, it's been someone who wouldn't typically be there in the first place. it's weird. but cool.
55. i saved the file and didn't touch it again until today, november 13. so now let's see if i can finish this.
56. i have 6 cameras right now. two polaroids, one lomo, one nikon SLR (for film), and one nikon digital SLR. i haven't taken many photos lately. but i've been wanting to change this.
57. i'm friends with someone who is the older brother of someone i was once friends with when we were 12. we grew apart and i've never spoken to her ever again. i find it strange but cool that i'm friends with her brother now, though. even though i was a little intimidated by him when i was a kid.
58. i was always intimidated by my friends' older siblings. i think it's because i don't have an older sibling, so i never knew how to act around them. fortunately most of my friends were also oldest-kids.
59. i ran into my best friend from grade 6 last wednesday. i had no idea what to say to her, but felt like i should say hi. she didn't recognise me until i said i was sarah from parkland. i have a very vague idea of what her life is like now, but i still felt uninteresting compared to her. and a little scared of her.
60. for 5 years i have signed up to do nanowrimo. each year, i haven't done it. usually i chalk it up to having too many other things to do during novembers. i stand by that excuse this year too.
61. i hate potatoes. if i like a dish that uses potatoes, chances are there's some kind of sauce or topping that, flavourfully, outweighs the potatoes themselves. when i was a kid, i was still forced to eat them, though. even though my sister was never forced to eat pasta. i'm still bitter over this fact.
62. generally speaking, i tilt my head whenever my picture is taken. i don't know why. but i do.
63. i hate the colour pink. it's probably a layover from overdoing it when i was younger, and pink was my favourite colour, so my clothes were pink or red, while rebecca's were blue or purple. until i decided that purple was my favourite colour, of course. tragically, i missed out on pink week this year.
64. purple's pretty close to pink on my list of least favourites these days too.
65. i've lived with large numbers of people all my life, and when i've been one of three or fewer people who live in the same household or apartment, i find it a little lonely and dull. living with 6+ people means that there's company when you want it, but you can escape to your bedroom when you need it.
66. i wish i spoke french, german, czech, norwegian, spanish, portuguese, cantonese, and russian better/at all.
67. being forced to try to understand the signs and posters around me wen they're not in a language i know well makes me happy.
68. i love mugs. no, really. i do.
69. i got up to grade 10 piano before quitting. some day, when i have time, i'd like to get my ARCT. if it's possible.
70. i don't like cake. or pancakes. french toast is sometimes alright.
71. i like shopping at T&T Supermarket for the fun of not knowing what i'm actually buying. i try to make it a point to buy something (usually a drink or candy) that's completely foreign to me. SMACK was pretty tasty, actually.
72. if it was presented to me, i'd try blue whale and panda, just to see what they tasted like. it'd already be there right in front of me, afterall!
73. one of the favourite postcards i ever received has a scenic picture of surrey on it. it was sent to me by someone i hardly know. when i came back to canada, he'd moved jobs. i know where he is now, and actually saw him walk past me on friday. i haven't gone to say hi yet, though. i want to mail him a postcard that rivals his surrey postcard first.
74. i've only received flowers as a gift once: from murali for my past birthday. they were sunflowers. they made me very happy.
75. i'm going to europe on december 28. i'm landing in london. i don't have a return ticket yet. i don't know what i'll be doing there. i should figure this stuff out soon.
76. i finally found myself a pair of rollerskates. they're brown leather with blue wheels and laces. they're awesome. and yet since finding them, i haven't tried them out once yet. tragic.
77. haruki murakami is my author boyfriend. well, one of them. i keep getting copies of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles, and then either lending or giving them away, so i always need to replace my newly-lost copy.
78. i'm a libra. apparently, according to some book i once read, my birthday makes me a very libran libra. and although i don't want to give too much credence to the zodiac, i've always been very proud of this fact, despite the fact that this "fact" makes me someone who can come across as rather indecisive at times.
79. i'm very sorry that the smashing pumpkins wrote a song that uses my birthyear, 1979. it's a boring song that drones on, and i've never liked billy corgan's voice. sorry, billy.
80. during the Worst Night Ever, matt tried to convince the people at the Hotel Canada that we should be allowed to hang out there, because i was canadian. they gave us a book of matches and told us to leave.
81. i own the whole Titus Groan trilogy. i cherish them. i bring one of the books when i travel, usually. i've never read any of the books all the way through.
82. i actually enjoy cooking and baking. i just never feel as though i have the time to do it. so i rarely cook anything grand.
83. if all the ingredients were magically in the fridge/cupboard, i'd probably take to cooking more often. it's the shopping that also puts me off.
84. i sometimes spend more time focusing on how things will affect other people, than how they'll affect me. this works against me, usually.
85. when i was younger, i wished i'd been born with red hair. someone i knew at church had "strawberry blonde" hair. i was jealous.
86. i've had glasses since grade 2 or 3. it's a foreign concept for me to contemplate what it would be like to wake up in the morning, open my eyes, and see everything in focus.
87. i've had one root canal, and have one capped tooth. the capped tooth, at least, will boost my body's value once i die.
88. i have a trio of dictionaries that i won at a farmer's auction in alberta years ago. they're all out of date, but they're the only thing i've ever won at an auction.
89. i lived in alberta for a half of a summer. i tend to forget that i did. and i don't know if it counts as "living" there or not. either way, though, it was a fun summer. sev and i always talked about going tornado chasing. we never did, though. it was probably better that way.
90. i enjoy working when there's no one else around -- late nights, empty spaces during the day, early mornings, holidays, or weekends. i've never quite enjoyed working when others are working around me.
91. i hated practicing piano when other people were around to hear. so i'd do all i could to not practice then.
92. i've realised recently that i'm a bit of a perfectionist, in that i want to do things well, but postpone doing things because i know that i don't have a flawless plan yet, and that it could still be better. it's a weird thing to realise.
93. i love salad. an all-salad restaurant would be my paradise.
94. i've had a lot more difficulty finding 101 things to write than you'd think.
95. ever since i watched eXistenZ, i've felt put off by chinese food. which is unfair to chinese food, really. too bad.
96. my sister and i learned the Backstreet's Back dance one summer when we were bored. because of this, we can also do the Thriller dance. we're not ashamed of this in the least.
97. E.T. terrified me as a child. not because of the alien, but because of the evil government types and doctors. when they showed it in grade 4, i opted to sit in the classroom and read books because i didn't want to watch it.
98. i also chose books over Star Wars: Return of the Jedi and Jacob Two-Two and the Hooded Fang. in part, it was because i was a bit of a literary snob, due to being taught that books are far better than TV, and insisting to my teacher that i wasn't allowed to watch "movies like that".
99. i can't handle the feeling of nail polish. it makes my fingers suffocate. despite that,i still like to put clear varnish on every now and then, because it reminds me of one of the best summers i ever had.
100. i feel guilty for some of the things that i like and for some of the things i find fascinating. i think everyone does, to a certain degree. it's still a bother, though.
101. i'm counting down the days until we get to see snow. and play in it. because i love it. love it!

hoe, lee, moley! after a year and a half, it's finally done!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

every example of an emergency that was made today involved animals choking and/or dying. i started it. but i didn't continue it.

poor animals.

poor me. i was plagued by dreams of crashing semi trucks and police dressed in riot gear and guilt and blame and deadlines and unfair accusations and frustration. needless to say, i didn't sleep well. at all.

so good night.

Monday, November 14, 2005

god plays poker, by daniel, proving to sarah that she can't draw god playing poker.

sarah cries, "holy buffalo, what's god gonna do?"

daniel replies, "i don't know, it looks like he might be bluffing, but Jesus has a knack for miraculous hands!"

god only knows what happened next!

EDIT: now with a URL that works!

Friday, November 11, 2005

today david mulder is 21.

today noah adams is 22.

i'll bet that there's at least one other person in this world who has a birthday today, too.

how crazy is that?!?!?

happy birthday, boys!

see that, david? i called you a boy. like, a youngun. because you're so grown up now, yo.
today mr anderson graduates from hair school. last night was the chance to show off haircuts. so the andersonic clan danced about to jamiroquai and made sure that his presentation was the flashiest one. but with hair and makeup as stunning as ours, we didn't have to do much work. to keep with the colourfulness, i fake-lomo'd the pictures. i need to get my lomo fixed.

the boys: evil, confused, and relieved.

cupid with her butterfly.

pretty polly, the electric mistress.

the happy bouncy elf with the amazing eyelashes.

the more amazing part of the night was talking to someone who was once my best friend, 15 years ago. so strange.

Monday, November 07, 2005

i've been remembering a lot of things about my family lately, things that i'd forgotten. there's the usual things always come to mind when i think about growing up -- christmas eves, Forest Friends, playing VIPER on the way to montana, the dancing marshmallow lady in the fire at Lapush, david's escapades with internets and leaders and bureaus of investigation (which catherine will never let die in social settings), phonecalls from safeway asking if david was allowed to be buying sugary cereal in his pj's late at night, early morning blueberry picking while the house was being renovated in summertime. there's things that i've heard about so much or seen pictures of that i can imagine them, even though i know i can't actually remember them -- mt baker erupting, sasha running away.

but i'd completely forgotten about family dinners. since i'd returned from prague, dinner was completely scattered. we all ate at the same time (lovely tasty mom food), but it was served on plates that were left on the counter, to be eaten alone in our rooms, usually. we never sat down together anymore. i think the disappearance of the kitchen table (made by my dad) helped with that shift. but we used to eat together.

my dad would sit near the window, my mom near the piano so that she could jump up and down if need be, i suppose. rebecca and i were on the side near the heater, while david and daniel sat near the stereo. david and daniel shared the smaller bench, because rebecca and i were older. while rebecca and i hated each other, we'd be at opposite ends of the bench -- to the absolute edge. at one point i decided i didn't want to sit on that side anymore (or maybe i decided daniel was my favourite sibling and wanted to sit near him instead of rebecca) and i started taking david's seat. there were fights, of course, but i still ended up sitting there for awhile. us kids would kick each other under the table, or we'd try to claim the most space on the stabilising board beneath the table by squashing everyone else's feet to the side. we'd make faces at each other (often the happy sailor face). if someone was drinking milk, we'd make a refined barfing "bleah" action, guaranteed to make them laugh out loud and spray milk everywhere. our parents thought we were pretty horrible to have at the table. we'd get told off for talking over each other.* even when all of us kids hated each other, we'd end up making stupid jokes, and everyone would end up laughing, albeit grudgingly. and we'd all keep it up. until we were all told off for making jokes at the table. during devotionals after dinner, we'd be making faces and trying not to be the one to laugh out loud and get everyone in trouble. once, our mom asked us what the readings were about, because she didn't think we were listening. daniel replied, "God." it became a regular joke, never to be appreciated by our mom.

we never started a food fight. i don't think. all of us kids all hated family dinners, i think. at least, we did most of the time. because who wants to spend time with their family, of all people?

i miss them. if only because i can't make the "bleah" face in proper company without having to explain it. or the happy sailor face. and kicking people under the table just isn't as fun as when you're trying to hide it from your parents.

* i think that's where i developed the mental image of conversation lines, and is why i find crossing conversations (where the imaginary line would make an X) hard to follow, or just downright rude. because sound follows a direct, precise line, didn't you know?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

i like mugs. a lot. i realised this a few months ago when, during a trip to superstore to buy ONLY ONE THING, i bought that one thing . . . and a giant black and white mug. because it was nice and aesthetically pleasing. because it was a mug. in fact, it was (and is) the one on the left here:


i don't entirely know what it is about them. even the boring old tall-and-round ones can be nice, provided they're a nice shade. a fainter shade of paint on the outside and white on the inside can be quite nice. but if there's too much contrast, and not in a clashy kind of way, then it's just ugly.

with denby mugs, though, can never go wrong. my mother gave me a mug for my birthday. again, the one on the left.
delicious denby!

to be honest, the colour wouldn't necessarily grab me if it were anything but a mug. i'd actually associate it with my sister more than with me. however, that said, it's beautiful. the graininess in the colour, the somewhat-overly-rounded shape, perfect to hold to keep your hands warm, . . . and looks just about ready to be knocked off the table and broken into a million pieces. so i should probably drink something out of it soon.

but aside from my denby mug, these are the other crèmes de la crops. last week karl and i went to T&T in coquitlam centre, and i dragged him to the japanes porcelain place next door. there's so many dishes and mugs there that i only dream of buying, even though none of them are overly pricey. but we needed more cups, and i found these:

they were placed next to some of the fanciest, classiest plates i'd seen in awhile. one day, when i am rich and without debt and with way too much time on my hands, i'll get an entire set of flatfish dishes -- they even had flatfish chopstick holders. i'll hold fancy dinners where everyone will have to wear hats of the fishy variety. and we'll have oh so much fun... but for now, i'll just have to settle with drinking out of cheesy little mugs like those.

so. tea party, anyone?

this should have taken mere minutes to post. instead, i've been interrupted by trick'n'treaters every 30 seconds. and the rest of the house told me that there wouldn't be many kids coming by and i'm nearly out of candy... so i just turned away some old guys. oooh, hallowe'en nazi!
tomorrow is november 1. this is important. for a few reasons.

1. hallowe'en is over, sadly.
2. it's diwali.
3. my cat comes home from the vet minus a giant nasal polyp, plus an appetite and clean teeth. finally.
4. hopefully i'll get exciting news from the radio.
5. i have to write ~1666 words every day for the next month.

every year i try to do this. every year i end up too busy. but i want to do it this time. so, in preparation for this magical date, and to give me some sort of starting point, i'd ask everyone to please post a word, image, verb, or adjective. the more inane, the better. i promise you'll get recognition.

but before then, i have a paper to write tonight. about nazis. they just won't stop haunting me.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

my room is now a hair salon. it's the groovy only-slightly-dissonant beats make it so.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

jo doesn't know it but she just put me through a fun exercise that actually did an alright job at alleviating some of my anger. see, she generally hates my music, but likes to listen to my radio show to abuse herself. or something. but she actually didn't hate everything today, apparently!

[23:08] jo: tho...i have to say that i didn't hate the last song that u played... :P
[23:08] me: wasn't it nice????
[23:08] me: oh, i was blown away by how perfect it was for today.
[23:08] me: seriously. i'm in love with it.
[23:08] jo: u r pushing it...
[23:08] me: oh no i'm not!
[23:08] me: it's the perfect october 24 sunny day 5:58pm PST song
[23:09] me: it couldn't have been better than that.
[23:09] jo: wait...first u have a favorite u are in love with one!! *gasp!!*
[23:09] me: oh no, i'm in love with a lot of things
[23:09] me: most inanimate
[23:09] me: actually, everything except for the cat is inanimate.
[23:10] jo: so what else do u love besides solo...
[23:11] jo: and prague
[23:11] jo: and all things european?
[23:11] me: pasta
[23:11] me: green beans cooked just right
[23:11] me: perogies
[23:11] me: languages
[23:11] me: snow
[23:11] me: candles
[23:11] me: belle & sebastian "don't turn the light off"
[23:11] me: particular radiohead songs
[23:11] me: chord changes
[23:11] me: E7 on a guitar
[23:11] me: thunder
[23:12] me: pretty pictures
[23:12] me: european yoghurt
[23:12] me: strawberries
[23:12] me: tealights
[23:12] me: vegetable chips
[23:13] me: the wind-up bird chronicles by haruki murakami
[23:13] me: music
[23:13] me: rachmaninov (dead = inanimate)
[23:13] me: john lennon's "cry baby cry"
[23:13] me: subsonic sound
[23:13] me: deep blue
[23:13] me: ocean
[23:13] me: wind
[23:13] me: forest
[23:13] me: fall sunshine
[23:13] me: frost
[23:13] me: coloured leaves
[23:14] me: match boxes
[23:14] me: the smell of burning wood or candles
[23:14] me: norway
[23:15] me: sjokade
[23:15] me: licorice
[23:15] me: salte fisker
[23:15] me: cinnamon
[23:15] me: internet
[23:15] me: receiving long personal emails
[23:15] me: saris
[23:15] me: hats
[23:15] me: striped socks
[23:15] me: creating
[23:16] me: the rats of NIMH
[23:16] me: cobblestones
[23:16] me: imagery
[23:16] *** You have been disconnected. Mon Oct 24 23:16:41 2005.

now she's going to leave a post telling me how random i am.

[EDIT] oh, the song was "You May Know Me" by The Occasion, if you're wondering.
the bustly energy that i had on my way home has officially shifted to anger, bordering on hate. but hate is a very strong word.

my mother's "steamed" green beans are the best. mine are pretty good. they're better when i have an onion lying around. but i didn't tonight. instead, they're very garlicky.

for the sake of the moment, they're perfect.

still. HATE.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

had a thai massage this evening. brain isn't at its peak now. my right thigh has a surprising amount of stress in it. compensation for the left leg? perhaps. seems that my mid-back is in the same state as that of a woman with unbearably large breasts -- so says the masseuse. my breasts aren't terribly large, though. can't figure out what that means. perhaps, in my dreams, i am a large-breasted valkyrian woman?

my cat is suffering from stockholm syndrome. the more torturous events i put him through, the more he seems to love me. after two trips in The Box, being leashed, seeing more of vancouver than he ever dreamed existed, poking and prodding from a weird woman, having blood taken, and getting a weird shot in his leg, he loves me more than ever. when i start rubbing gel on his gums next week, he'll never get over me.

my sad godot child is back to staring blankly out from the wall. it makes me happy. matt and i always talked of stealing the giant sign they had advertising the gallery. we never did. i got this copy when i bought Art from the gallery. i still need to find the hammer and nails so that i can hang my Art up for all to see.

a group of school children have been blown away, all across the hallway wall. i suspect that many of them will disappear at the next HH party. i'll have to steal another poster to replace them all when it happens. my poor kids.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

why is my cat asleep on my bed, and i'm not?

do you know what the happy sailor face is?

i'll tell you soon, when i have time to edit the picture. but it's a term that the caufield kids came up with, but i have no idea where we got the name from. so i'm wondering if anyone else will define it before i explain it. post links to pictures to define it if you want.

last saturday i bumped into people on my way home from work. so i spent the day with them. we spent time in a hat shop, among other things. i only got my camera usb cord back today, though, and i should be sleeping instead of editing up photos. which is why at least 1.5 of these need to be redone.

but at least some are up now. and dan can have a look at his crazy top hat photo.

other photos will be posted soon.

a/k/a tommy chong
canadian shorts
based on a true story
dreaming of space
three dollars
low profile
beowulf & grendel
mutual appreciation
wrong side up
white diamond
black brush
crash test dummies
the life and hard times of guy terrifico
at the quinte hotel
look both ways
the gronholm method
shin sung-il is lost
based on a true story
the city of the sun
linda linda linda
the piano tuner of earthquakes
the district!
the squid and the whale
sorry for kung fu
the death of mister lazarescu
dark horse
measures to better the world
crying fist


Saturday, October 15, 2005

today was full of career advice from people who hardly know me.

"you have the air of a good editor," he said. "you've got the talent. you're discerning."

"really," i said. "define 'discerning'."

"ho ho ho," he said. and then he gave me his number. "yes, you could be a good editor."

what's just as fun is that he gave me the last DVD of his film to watch at home, too. here i thought i'd wind up seeing false people trying to schmooze over the last while, and every person i met was surprisingly down-to-earth and friendly.

good times.

pi has become the soundtrack of my dreams.

Monday, October 10, 2005

i wish victor borge had been my grandfather. betcha family dinners would be different then.
on may 27, 2004, i apparently wrote myself a letter on it just showed up in my mailbox today. i'd completely forgotten about it. and if the word "svetr" hadn't been in the title, i probably would have deleted it as spam.

it's enlightening. i bet i thought i was being so smart and upfront about things in that, but it's actually brilliantly vague, lest someone read it over my shoulder, i suppose. it's horrible. so i wrote myself a new letter. it's a lot more blunt. it's about yesterday. it's about dancing across seymour street, cheering with persian guys, escorts, miserable german films, and communists.

maybe i'll remember the day. maybe i won't. nothing really happened. which is why it was so grand.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

yesterday i played a Wolf Parade song on my radio show. just before i played it, i announced that i was going to play "my favourite Wolf Parade song."

the second i hit play, i realised that i haven't had a favourite anything in a very long while. there's things i say are favourites, like lavendar gelato, but at this point, it's more the routine, not an actual burning passion for it to make me say i like it. honestly, i think it's got to do with admitting to liking something.

i wasn't lying about the Wolf Parade song. it is my favourite one right now. which is amazing. i have this quirk in that i'll tell you most anything, but never how i actually feel. "you" also includes myself. it's not so much that i don't want to tell anyone, but more that i'm always trying to be open to something else being better or more worthwhile. i'm working on it, though. and for the moment, admitting to myself that i have a favourite anything is a pretty damn big deal, even when it's just a song.

i think that was part of why i was in such a good mood last night, when i should have been tired, i should have been hungry, i should have been bordering on cranky, i should have been frustrated and venting, and i should have been writing the paper that's due in five hours and is still not finished right now.

but i was in a good mood yesterday. possibly still am now. though getting worried that my plan to skip out on what was going to be my own birthday party to see Beowulf and Grendel might be foiled by the fact that when i explain why my party's off to anyone, they immediately say that hey, they'd like to see it, they're going to go buy a ticket! it's going to be sold out and i won't get to see it.

if that happened i might cry. it's more likely that i'd just go see another film, though.

it's a very silly distinction to be making, i'm sure. but hey, i like the song. a lot. and it's the main reason i would have been happy to be working at the arcade fire show on friday, had our summertime plans worked out.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

we had more than 420 people at the meeting at some point.

four hundred and twenty.

80 short of quorum.

if it had been sunny, and if people had done 0.82% more work, we would have had it.


Sunday, October 02, 2005

viff is on! six films today. japan, US/UK, italy, hungary, latvia, germany. the squid and the whale will likely stick around later on. see it then. save film fest time for other ones. like the piano tuner of earthquakes. makes use of one of my favourite fucked up parasites. to tell you anything more of it would detract from the experience. and hungarian is an awesome language to rap in.

and it's decided. i'm skipping part of my birthday party to see beowulf and grendel. there really isn't much choice in the matter. so the party's shifting earlier in the evening to compensate.

yesterday i saw three films (croatia, romania, denmark/iceland), worked at a party full of schmoozers, exchanged niceties with cancerman, tagged onto another party, found out things about gavin's background that explain him all the more, dined after the last film with ed, and did laundry. i don't think the day could have been better spent.

today i sat at the corner of robson and granville for an hour and watched people walk by. and watched the leaves. and the busses. and peoples' shoes. people seem to be taking more pride in their shoes these days. shoes are the one thing i've never gotten into, other than a split-second decision. i have no nice pair of shoes. when i'm in a bind i end up wearing my scuffed-up marine boots, because they're the best i have. shoes are harder to prioritize.

there was an AGM this week. as a result, i'm on the board. this could be exciting.

there was another AGM this week too. and a carnival and pub night. i've written more elsewhere. but for the record, for when i look back on this in years to come, the ideal 500 people didn't show, but 330 - 350 did, and not for a free meal. they were people who were interested in the meeting. so even if we couldn't vote on bylaw changes, i think it's still a remarkable achievement. above and beyond that, though, there was an event up on campus that involved a lot of people, interested more, made things interesting for a day, and despite last-minute changes and minor issues, the majority of people noticed nothing and just had a fun time. i think that's an accomplishment. goes to show what a scant few people can do. next time, if more people put in the elbow grease, maybe 500 will be there. i've got ideas and plans, though.
i have to start this at some point...

VIFF 2005 films, as compared to eatables, which is how i've decided to do it this year.

Oct 1:
Fallen [Latvia/Germany] vodka and cigarettes and pretention. yum.
Sleeper [Germany] apple streudel; tasty, fulfilling, on the healthy side of the spectrum, but you don't necessarily have a reason for eating it. it's good, though. (as an aside, points to me for placing the accent before it was mentioned in the screenplay, and even more points for understanding a surprising amount of the language.)
The Squid and the Whale [USA] rice and kidneys; good, brown, reminiscent of the mid-80s, exciting to have at dinnertime without being classy or overly thrilling. i've been tempted to try to make this for myself recently, to see if it's still tasty. in my memories, it is.
The District! [Hungary] skittles. pretty, tasty, yummy, can't have too much without getting a little sick of them, but give them a little while and you'll be happy to eat more.
The Piano Tuner of Earthquakes [UK/Germany/France] sparkling apple juice, blue cotton candy, and some tasty exotic slightly-sweet unknown food that keeps you nibbling at it out of curiousity.
Linda Linda Linda [Japan] bubblegum ice cream. possibly a popsicle of it shaped like an anime character.

Sept 30:
Dark Horse [Danish/Icelandic] a 3-course meal with a great salad, tasty fish and pasta main course, but Dad's chocolate chip cookies for dessert; somewhere along the way it veers off and doesn't end as the same dinner.
The Death of Mister Lazarescu [Romanian] pickled rat, BBQ dog, or something along those lines: horrific, but you can't help but try it, and ultimately are happy to have done so just for the experience.
Sorry for Kung Fu [Croatia] alright, i can't figure something out for this one yet.

Pre-Festival Viewings:
Skritek [Czech] a hazelnut Siesta bar - light, airy, tasty, not too much, but a little bit of substance because of the nuts. oh, and easy-to-open packaging.
Measures to Better the World [Germany] buffet from Bonanza - at least, my memory of it, when it existed: lots of stuff, some good, some not so good, not something to go to that often.
Crying Fist [South Korea] yakisoba from kishu island - good, flavour gets a bit much at times, way too much for one sitting

Sunday, September 25, 2005

i've lost a bag of stuff. it didn't matter so much before, but now i'm really started to miss it. it has a couple records, a file of Everything Important That I Needed This Week, and the assignment that's due the day before the AGM that i couldn't get an extension on, as well as the readings for that class, but it's also got the first book i've read for fun in a very long time. and that's what i'm missing the most.

i'm being given grief by everyone for not putting more work into whatever i'm doing with them. my prof told me that i can probably fit the paper into my weekend if i tried. lillian went on how she was going to have to do everything herself because i couldn't show up a half hour earlier on monday afternoon, and let me off the phone "so that you can get going on getting everything else ready for monday". cjsf keeps reminding me to come to the AGM on tuesday night. viff needs me tomorrow. sean tried to convince me to come out to Wolf Parade with him instead of selling him my ticket. i couldn't sleep at all last night because i was sick and feverish. my mom wants to know when i'm going to be in coquitlam and when we can get together for my birthday. there's still lots to do to get ready for the AGM on wednesday and very few people seem to be helping out. though if i ask anything of some people, i won't get any sort of response. and if i'm not working on it and finally doing something else someone starts asking me about the agm because apparently that's all that i'm for right now.

i'm fuckin sick and tired and hungry but don't know what to cook so i won't end up eating anything. maybe i don't want to talk about the agm for a day. maybe i don't want to write my assignment because i've been working on things until midnight every single day this week, and a fair amount before then and wouldn't mind just sitting for awhile. maybe i'm sick of people bitching on about how things won't work out when they don't actually do anything to try to make it work in the first place. maybe i'm tired of all the stupid gradeschool bullshit that's going on and all the people that think they're high and mighty and above it when they're just as much a part of the problem, and working damn hard to make sure that we can't just get along. maybe i'm pissed off that someone unwelcome is going to come by and read this and start whispering about it in their circle when they were never invited to come here in the first place.

all i want to do today is sit outside and read my book and not have to feel guilty that i'm not working on everything else. except that it's missing and i have no clue where else to look.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

for the first time ever, i tried to register for something, only to discover that "that username is taken".

this is horrible! for the first time since i began to use "whither" as my online name in when, 1996? 1995? it's been taken by someone else! now i'm not the only person out of millions who will be scrabbling for that name when i log in somewhere.

it was my first hotmail address. and one of the first BBS login names. i don't have any of the original accounts anymore, but every email address i got after then was "whither". jodi had recently introduced me to some BBS from north vancouver, and when i found a giant list of BBS phone numbers, it seemed like the phone-line world was my oyster. or something. i can't even remember the name of the one i frequented the most, though i think i still have a drawing and a photo from the people i met there. it was full of geeks who wanted to bring the Robert Jordan books to life. i was intrigued by one person's constant use of....of.......of elipses. his explanation was that he didn't like the finality that a period brought to a phrase, that he preferred for the thought to continue on. i jumped on his bandwagon for awhile, but now seeing dotdotdots between every few words gets annoying. though actually, if i do use them these days, it needs to be dot-space-dot-space-dot, just like in the peak. nicole trained me well!

at any rate. when i discovered lynx, and made my way to text-based hotmail, i needed a login name and my mind went blank. so i flipped through the dictionary and took the first word i saw -- almost. technically, what i saw was "wither". but that seemed so emo (even before i knew what that was . . . or did it even exist then?), and "whither" was a word that most people probably didn't know anyways, so whither it was. from then on, most every email, every scribble or blog, all were whither. the monty python reference with "whither, canada" was a fitting bonus. people thought it was neat. some people weren't so quick on the uptake and thought that it was so morbid and cool. (oh, emo!) it was never, ever taken by anyone else. whither was mine. whither was me. i loved it.

but now whither won't necessarily mean sarah anymore. oh, what a sad sad day. now i'm going to have to resort to more czech words, until they take over the english-speaking part of the internet as well.

you can send flowers, baked goods, and monetary offerings of pity and sorrow to my house. the wake will be announced later.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

rollerskatin' to buy groceries, rollerskatin' cross 12th ave, rollerskatin' with club soda, milk, and a honeydew melon, thank the lord for parked cars without car alarms when you need something to stop the forward momentum!

so last weekend was spent in seattle. just before leaving i realised that with the US dollar being a little weak, it would be the perfect time to buy my new camera. i didn't want to hold up the journey, though, but when i mentioned it to peter, all he said was "yes, buy the camera! you need it! caroliner! caroliner! caroliner!" and he chanted and raved away as i started having second thoughts about spending the weekend with him.

fortunately the camera was worth getting. and the pfestival was pfantastic. and the music was magnificent. and the weather was w.....good. and i learned what it's like being a vegan.....sorta. and the funhouse grew on me more and more. and there were vultures playing organs, and houses pushing buttons, and logs singing about their shadow, and people on rollerskates, and altered instruments, and tape recorders, and aubergines, and underwater meals, and birdcalls, and screams and yells and moans and beeps and whistles and rumbles. there were interviews, and indoor smoking, flying fish, suicide girl photoshoots, 80s pop, and much sarcasm. there was even a gir.

oh, and then there was caroliner.

more pictures from the shows are here.

sadly, we didn't get a shot of mr i-wanna-be-a-WA-statesman smoking a cigar next to granny waving an american flag at a busy intersection outside of seattle, as patriotic as can be. nor did we steal the campaign sign for port captain. but other than that, i can't complain about the weekend at all.

listen to signal to noise ratio, peter's show, sometime in the next few weeks, chances are you'll hear something of the past weekend then.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

"five years ago, would you ever have guessed that you'd be sprinting down blue mountain to catch the bus at 12:30 in the morning with me?" says devon.

definitely not.

going south for a music festival. i'm not sure if i'm going to love it or hate it. oh boy oh boy!

Monday, September 05, 2005

"With following software , your mobile phone will be very individualized and cool."

hurrah! thank you internet!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

fun idea from tavie, though when i did it, most weren't very interesting. except for these:

Can you give me some advice?
Goran Bregovic dance music from the Black Cat White Cat soundtrack. apparently i should be dancing my cares away.

What do you think happiness is?
string quartet version of Radiohead's "You and Whose Army?". very pretty. very soothing. very melancholy. possibly happy.

How can I make myself happy?
"Old Museum of Berlin 5" -- from a collection of ambiant sound recordings from around the world. and it just happened to be Berlin. and it just happened to be a museum. and it just happened to be sounds, instead of music (every other "answer" was). even winamp is telling me i should go back to europe.

and if i didn't actually take "doing a good job" seriously, i would.

Monday, August 29, 2005

maggie, on the off-chance you read this, write me! i have no clue how to contact you otherwise.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

zombiewalk pics are trickling through already! sadly, i'll have to wait until my film's developed to see if i have any good shots.

he was my favourite. by far. oh, and him, too.

terrifying children, confusing people in cars, attacking busses, herding through pacific centre (security locked the doors at a certain point, apparently), milling about the graveyard, grunting and growling on the skytrain, demanding brains, reaching out to people eating at cafes on main street, seeing falun dafa and MAWO rallies on the other side of the VAG as we lurched by with groans for "BRAAAAAAAAINNSSSSS!", beating on the glass at blockbuster and the foundation for brains, watching zombies paying nicely for tickets on the skytrain ("but fares are for children, and adults, and seniors, not the undead! urrgghh!"), summoning the rest of the crowd with groans alone, policeman telling zombies to not gnaw on the cop car over the PA, attacking trolleys and busses, eating baby brains (so tender), fixing makeup on the skytrain, eating GRAAAAAAAINSSSSS, dancing to boney m and rasputin, petting a cockatiel, simultaneous groans of BRAAAAAAAINSSSS on the skytrain, scaring off nicely-dressed japanese businessmen, cornering people between cars, finding out that being a zombie's actually incredibly tiring, losing my voice because i've been groaning and growling for braaaaaaainsssss for 4 hours, walking a little strangely after hours of lurching...

considering how many people pretended that nothing was out of the ordinary, however, the overall survival rate come apocalypse is going to be pretty small.

i've been getting practice, however. for braaaaaaaaaaaainnsssssss!!!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

i have a stalker right now.

someone keeps calling me. yesterday they called my cell 9 times -- starting at 7:09am and ending at 11:48pm. every time i was busy , though, so i didn't answer. i don't recognise the number, and diego and i looked up the number, but all we figured out is that it's a rogers cellular phone. they never leave any info in their voicemail messages. instead, they fill up the message time with random sounds. the first message sounded like they were on a boat, hearing waves knocking the sides. another message was some (presumably) unintentionally-recorded conversation between two guys. i don't know what it was about -- it wasn't in any language i know -- but they sounded pretty jovial. one message was waves of static -- getting louder and quieter and louder and quieter, rhythmically. the thing is, they don't just seem like the sort of recorded message you get when someone calls you by accident and records the sounds from their pocket for awhile. the quality's too good.

they've called twice this morning. and left messages. i haven't checked them yet. i don't know whether it's worth answering the next time they call and (probably) ending the slew of soundful messages or not. chances are they'll call again soon, though.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

kitty cat came back.

with a couple fight marks, and a little dusty, and pretty skittery. but he's back.

i'm amazed.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

a few years ago i inherited an albino hamster named spanikopita. spanky for short. she lasted two weeks before she died. it wasn't my fault -- we think she'd fallen and gotten some internal damage that slowly took her out.

either way, that was my record for shortest-time-as-a-pet-owner.

my house has been talking about getting a cat for awhile. everyone agreed to it. it would be the house's cat, not anyone's in particular, though some of us were more interested in it than others. but everyone was kosher with the idea.

on friday kenten and i were at the SPCA checking out cats. i fell in love with one in particular. on sunday we went back to get him. his name's solomon. solo for short. orange, short-hair, vocal, super-friendly, microchipped (creepy).

actually, aside: this whole weekend, since thursday, has been strange. i've been cleaning non-stop since thursday. i don't entirely know why. it needed to be done, yes, but i'm not usually so vigilant about cleaning. we happened to clean carpets on the weekend too, that might be related, but cleaning the stove has nothing to do with carpets. cleaning windows is pretty far removed from it as well. however. i might be over the cleaning bug now. perhaps not. i really want to get rid of a lot of my stuff, after living in a barren room over the weekend waiting for my carpets to dry.

if i kill myself soon, you can all lament that you should have seen the signs warning of it. LAMENT.

but back to the cat. so solomon moved in. everyone liked him. some more than others. i suddenly felt extremely responsible for him. to a depressing degree. i felt tied down, i felt like no one else was actually going to care about the cat if i didn't -- not that i didn't want to love him and look after him, but i didn't want to be the only one. that's the great things about cats: they don't need to involve a ton of responsibility, and shared amongst 7 people, it shouldn't be a problem at all, if only people would recognise that giving a cat food or opening the door for it isn't actually "work". but i'd put all the money forward for him, i was making sure he was getting food, i was the one telling everyone else what we should be doing to care for him, i was making all the decisions. so i suddenly felt strapped with the entire responsibility, and felt like i'd just become tied to staying in vancouver, unable to leave anytime soon.

so that, along with some other things that have come up recently, was putting me in a pretty miserable mood. and i was still sick. i might be almost healthy again, though now i have an eye infection. if it's not one thing, it's another.

so that was monday. Miserable Monday! but by the evening, after talking about it with some people, and seeing some other housefolk playing with the cat, i was feeling better about it all.

on monday night solomon found an open window overnight and ran away. he's probably out exploring, hopefully having fun, but he doesn't know that this is his home yet. and he certainly doesn't know the area, or necessarily how to get back here. and i somewhat doubt that he has the courage to stand up to the neighbour's cat if he doesn't necessarily feel ownership to this place yet. so he hasn't come back yet. it's been a full day. yes, he's a cat, cats come back home, but like i said, i don't think he knows this is "home" yet. and it's rare for new cats to return.

when i realised he was gone this morning, i went out right away and started wandering around the neighbourhood looking for him. put up a few signs too, just in case. didn't have any luck. felt worse and worse because we'd brought him to live with us with the intention of looking after him, and i felt like we'd failed. i'd failed. so i was pretty upset. it didn't help that some people didn't seemed to care. "oh, he's gone? huh. that sucks. well, gotta go to work!" no one offered to help me look for solo. when i asked, people took a sign to put up, or walked with me, but i think that was more due to the fact that i was upset, not because the cat was gone. one person said, "i'm surprised you're so emotionally attached to a cat that you only knew for a day." great way to make me feel better about feeling upset!

so when it comes down to who was actually invested in having a pet, i guess the cat was more mine than anyone else's. and diego. and maybe that's fine. and it's true that we didn't necessarily fail him in letting him take off, because we did as much as we could, we did shower him with attention, but a cat's going to do what a cat wants to do, and this one really wanted to get outside. and maybe he'll show up somewhere still. and if he's as friendly as he is, he's probably already been taken in somewhere else, at least. i hope he has.

i don't feel as upset about it as i did before. it's not that i was so emotionally attached to that particular cat. i mean, i like solomon a lot. but he's not My Bosom Cat-Buddy. but it was my duty to look after him. and i fucked it up. and felt like i was the only one who cared. and that's what made me upset.

maybe he'll show up again. maybe not. maybe it's fine either way -- because considering some of the feelings that were stirred up by all of this, the experience was what was important, not necessarily the longevity of it all.

but now i get to set a new record as shortest-time-as-a-pet-owner to two days. and it's with a creature that should have lasted 15+ years. huzzah.

yes, this has been a very bad week so far. yes, there's more to it than what i've written here. yes, this is in part why i'm staying away from some work this week, because i just can't handle more stress right now. even something as generally-stress-free as my radio show. and that's saying a lot. it's been that bad a week.

thank god for football players, photographs, films, not-so-gourmet safeway pies, crs, cloudy windy days, rachmaninov, and rutles.
i hate you for making me feel guilty for things i shouldn't feel bad for.
i hate you for not caring more about what you do.
i hate you for being too absorbed in yourself to realise what you're actually saying and (not) doing.
i hate you for making me feel intimidated.
i hate you for spying.
i hate you for being so fucking condescending.
i hate you for having to hear yourself talk without saying anything useful.
i hate you for constantly shooting me down.
i hate you for making me regret letting down my defenses even in the slightest.
i hate you for seeing the world in black and white.
i hate you for seeming to be in control.
i hate you for leaving me.
i hate you for signing your letters with "love".
i hate you for pretending that nothing's changed between us.
i hate you for graciously giving me ownership of what was mine in the first place.
i hate you for making what's mine belong to you.
i hate you for making me feel silly for feeling like i need help.
i hate you for making me feel like i dare not seem like i need help.
i hate you for encouraging me to seem independent.
i hate you for disappearing.
i hate you for using other people.
i hate you for making me feel like i need you more than you need me.
i hate you for not being here.
i hate you for using passive-aggressive language rather than being blunt and openly honest about what you're really trying to say.

1. i'm not the happiest person in the world right now.
2. i'm not just talking about one person.
3. if you think i'm talking about you and are taking offense to it, you might be wrong. but if you're not, you're a guest here, so don't you dare get angry with me.
4. if you judge me on any of this, i hate you for that, too.
5. "hate" is a strong word. right now, i don't care. it's short and to the point. and it's all relative. so don't tell me off for that either.