Tuesday, August 31, 2004

movie people, name the film that has a scene in it (the ending, perhaps?) where everyone is in pain or agony or misery or dying somehow, while "Smile", the theme from Modern Times, is playing overtop. i know it exists, i was playing that song on the piano today and i could imagine the scene perfectly, but i can't remember what film it is.

so who knows it?

Monday, August 30, 2004

considering how many of these i'm doing right now, posting the results of one is fine:

You are French
What's your Inner European?

Sunday, August 29, 2004

the clouds were low enough to be smothering the hill while i walked home tonight, so there was an eerie glow about the whole neighbourhood. beams of light from the streetlights cut through the trees with a beautifully precise clarity. if it weren't for the fact that it was almost warm enough to be walking home without a jacket, you'd have thought that it was early/mid-october. which, if you don't already know, is one of my most favourite times of the year.

that, on top of swimming outside in the cold, picking fruit, climbing trees, baking apple blueberry crumble, meeting new people, eating feta cheese, watching (finishing) willard, drawing a robot, mocking a self-help tape, getting a concerned phonecall from someone i expected to be annoyed with me, baking [not-from-scratch] cookies, sipping lemon-ginger tea, and watching the fraser valley disappear into the foggy mist made today a pretty good day.

[and.............LEAP!]

yesterday, dock and i went swimming, and a rather trivial exchange took place. fortunately his hair's dyed bright red at the moment, so i could see him well enough without my glasses on. but when i made a comment about not being able to see anything, "you don't have glasses! do you?" it's strange to me that someone wouldn't notice whether someone wore glasses or not. maybe it's because i'm on this side of the frames, but really, it's one of the main ways i think of meself: blonde girl with glasses. so it's bizarre (to me) that someone wouldn't even ever notice something you consider to be an integral part of who you are (lookswise).

sleeptime.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

[watching scrubs is making my inner monologue all the more articulate lately. it's strange. also because it's occasionally adopting a new, male voice inside my head.]

there needs to be a button that you can hit when life is just too much. something to stop everything else from continuing on, something that, in a movie, would freeze everyone in their spot and give you time to sleep, time to think about things, time to make the decisions that you don't have time to dwell on.

too bad that doesn't exist.

dentist says: gotta have a cavity filled which will hopefully happen before the end of the month, before dental coverage is gone. and then there's the cap, dunno what i'm going to do about that. and even though i won't have coverage, i really should go one more time around december because of these little Issues.

knee surgeon says: might be a good idea to go back in and "check out" (and fix) whatever's clicking in my knee, that it wouldn't be near as traumatic as the original surgery, but that i'd still have to go under anaesthetic for it. i told him i'd think about it.

naturopath says (with amusement): you can tell that i've seen a lot of doctors lately, from my language and straightforwardness about all of it. funny, that... her eastern european name made me like her. spent half of my appointment just wishing she'd hug me and magically make me better.

doctor says: she's concerned about the medical issues, but more importantly, she's really worried about my mental health and suggested i consider anti-depressants. first time that's been suggested to me. i told her no, she still wants to see me in a couple weeks, make sure i haven't killed meself or anything foolish.

work says: we don't need you anymore! well, one does. the other one starts soon. working with the new steven's gonna be interesting indeed...

i don't know what happened. i might not usually be very sorted out in life, but i was handling everything alright up until a month or so ago, everything was going along fine. now i just want to either stay in bed or run away and hide, and i spend half the time spent with good friends alienating meself from them and wishing i was either with other people or all alone. i can't stop wanting or expecting to hear from the one person i actually also don't want to, and probably shouldn't, hear from. i just want to curl up in a ball and have all my decisions made for me, by circumstance or by other people or whatever. i have a million things i want to do, ingredients for projects lying all about the place, and can't find the motivation to do any of them.

maybe i should just register for keep-busy courses for the fall in order to have medical coverage for a couple months longer. at least that'd be one thing not to worry about for a little while longer, then. tempting thought. if only money and loans weren't an issue.

so overall it's been a great week so far. yesterday had its good moments but they seem so far away because the stress is taking over.





...and then as you're writing everything out, someone like frode pops online and sends you nifty films and new music and cheers you up by his presence alone, because you thought that you'd never really get to talk to him or lise again. so yay for timing and music-loving scandinavians with good taste and silly humour.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

on the one hand, i'm not really very happy that i have one last cavity (or something) to be fixed before i lose my medical coverage. on the other hand, it means that my dentist will work on my teeth one last time, and honestly, i like him. he's a good dentist. he's one of the only people i've ever dealt with who sticks needles in me and doesn't cause me to completely lose it.

of course, he also told me today that i'd need a cap for one tooth, which i won't be able to get before i lose my coverage, which would still cost $400 with coverage, because the medical plan would only cover half of it anyways. but apparently i do need it.

goddammit.

on a better note:
it's comforting to fall asleep, curled up, in the back of the mostly-empty bus when it's pouring outside. it's nice to have a barbeque in the rain at the park, huddled under the picnic sheds playing weird car-card games with the youth before the rain wins and we go bowling instead. it's nice to have tea in a warm home while it's torrential outside. it's nice walking downtown in the rain, giving up on the umbrella, and just getting soaking wet (although my toes are still chilly).

the rain's been nice.

Monday, August 23, 2004

i found The 1998 Box, replete with saved magazines, old letters from jodi, old photos from L.A., the arts county fair, and memories of trips.

it's very strange remembering yourself from 6 years ago. it's even worse seeing photos of yourself from then -- the glasses!! the grungey army pants&t-shirt look!! the horror!! and the green hairdye was washing out then too.

i found an old story of jodi's and a line in a letter from her telling me that i'm never ever allowed to say that i can't write ever again after having apparently described the bus people to her in a letter i wrote. i miss getting stories from jodi. i don't even know if she writes anymore. (do you?)

Sunday, August 22, 2004

scrubscrubscrubscrubscrubscrubscrubsscrubscrubscrubscrubscrubscrubscrubs

the internet's got everything. except groceries. but other than that, you really can get everything you'd need -- information, entertainment, rebates, conversation, everything. and for free. brilliant, that.

course, you just have to be able to find it. and that's the hard part.

it rained today. in fact, it poured. it was splendid. it's been a long while since it rained. and while i'm not looking forward to biking around in the rain this week, i'm glad it'll be dreary and miserable for awhile. it makes spending time on this side of the window all the more cozy. and it's warm enough to go on puddle walks still. like today at the library. the parking lot had a giant pool, and when daniel* and i returned to the car, i slipped off my shoes and danced through the puddle - wonderfully warm.

but it's days like today that make the depressing things happy-inducing. it's days like today that make you feel like you're discovering insights into life watching little tv shows. maybe you are, really, who knows. it's days like today that make you start lighting candles and incense around the room and play music you haven't listened to in eons and make hot cocoa and wear comfy clothes and get that warm fuzzy feeling that usually only comes around holiday time.

it's days like today that make you a little nostalgic for surprising things, that make you want to fix/rekindle lost or distant friendships.

not that you do anything about it, because it's probably more rewarding to imagine how it could be rather than finding out what it really would be like. but it's the principal and idealism of it all, dammit!

today's a cotton candy day. sorta. kinda.

* in bathrobe and cowboy boots. he got strange looks at the army surplus store. grandma couldn't get over that he'd come by dressed like that. she shouldn't be so surprised -- it's daniel.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

i painted one wall of this room blue years ago. i always planned to paint the rest different colours. but now what i really, really want to do, is paint a giant calendar for the rest of the year on one of the walls so that i can fill in everything happening on every day and actually feign maintaining a schedule.

it'll be a boring red and black and white calendar. but it will make me happy. if only i had the paint to do it.

Friday, August 20, 2004

yesterday i discussed cultural texture and i created something and i laughed and i sang kids' songs with amanda and with shawn when he wasn't playing the yoyoyoyoyoyo game and i swam nekkid and i lay there in the water doing nothing but bob while watching the clouds and i watched amanda & garrett climb not-trees and i sat on rocks and watched the sun set over the ocean and saw lavendar clouds and blue-hued mountains and i saw seals and watched gulls eat fish and be chased by waves and i ate blue chips and chocolate chips and i saw tons of simultaneous fireplay and i saw the graceful firedancer that makes me happy and i've had the "down to the river" song stuck in my head ever since and altogether it prolly made for the happiest evening i've had in a decent while because it was all just fun and carefree.

today annemarie pointed out the crucial difference between "childlike" and "childish". simple difference, but i'd forgotten about the first word and was having trouble explaining meself until she brought it up. but yesterday was truly a childlike day. it was lovely.

when i reached commercial station today, rather than transfer to the other skytrain, we were all told to evacuate the station immediately because "the city of vancouver has informed us that there's a major gas leak here." for a brief moment it felt like we lived in a Major City with Major Drama like toronto or new york or london or somewhere exciting. people with mobile phones on the bus wanted to make it seem that way, telling their loved ones and co-workers of the terrible events that had struck them (namely that they had to learn about new bus routes). the excitement was overwhelming......not really.

and then the doctor told me that everything looks fine in my kidney, which is good because there's nothing wrong, but bothersome because that doesn't explain why i have symptoms of something wrong. but then that's the norm with my medical record: symptoms with no cause. he suggested taking daily meds (forever) if it didn't get better in the next while, though, which i'm not a fan of. C'MON BODY, GET BETTER!

...and then i bussed back to coquitlam for a meeting and then bussed back to vancouver to dance in a park for a few hours before bussing all the way back...

at the park, it took a little while to get used to moving, after not taking part for the past month. but once i'd watched for awhile it started to feel comfortable again. i think i'm starting to get the hang of this dancing thing! we ended with a butoh walk. half the time i tried hard to forget catherine's imagery of the horror of imagining a flower growing out of your chest, for the sake of being serious. or, at least, for the sake of not interrupting everyone else's concentration with giggles every two minutes. though, in all honesty, you'd be pretty upset and horrified if you had a flower growing out of your chest too, wouldn't you?

frankenstein for free in stanley park tomorrow night. i want to go. hopefully i'll be able to. if i get there, maybe i'll see you there.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

i originally saw this with DJ Shadow providing the soundtrack. it's beautiful.

the most passive, unobtrustive thunder storm ever is taking place outside right now. which is unfortunate, really, because a full-on meteorological freakout is just what i want right now.

the braids are coming out. it's sad but it's true. if they weren't so straggly-looking they could stay, but they're a bit too messy for an interview tomorrow. with all luck they'll be back in by the end of the month, though! yay! gotta decide what colour/design scheme to go with next. my hairdresser will know what's best, though.

but, oh!* on sunday it was Butoh at the Beach. almost meditative at times, just fun to get caught up in the performance, and then have my mind wander a bit, and then start watching and catch up again. got to chat with people i didn't know and people i did know but hadn't talked to in awhile. ocean-swimming, though. must do more.

and last night was ANGST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! teen angst poetry (and music) night. so much drama. so many tears. so much fun. the winner, hands down, was the crispin glover lookalike (in a tacky cowboy shirt) who performed his teen angst rap -- "black and white must unite (stop the violence!)" -- with audience participation. best bit about the evening, though, were the stories that went with the poems. about james and what a player he was (at 15), or the hated popular girl. i almost felt like i'd missed out, having never written angsty poetry. almost. dragging mark and his friend along just made the night better. i'm glad i'm working with him this fall.

and there was 20s jazz at the cafe with rachel and there was whippets and veggieburgers and elaborate cake at the park and there was playing in the pool and my arms are going numb from losing circulation while i take out the braids and i have a sudden need for a brian eno fix and lots more.

it was a good weekend (monday included).

* such wit!

Friday, August 13, 2004

new t-shirt i need:
"I'm not an idiot, I'm creative"

i've got a nosebleed right now. i haven't had a nosebleed since i was seven or so. the only image in my head is the drawing from my "be a good Brownie" book that i got, of a Brownie bent over holding a tissue to its nose. that's the only image i ever get in my head when people have nosebleeds. couldn't tell you why, though. i guess my one year as a Brownie actually did make an impact on me afterall.

i met a Polish woman on the bus today whose legs were covered in bruises after trying to learn to ride a bike. it reminded me of riding in copenhagen. i learned to ride here, where handbrakes are the way to go. but in copenhagen (and elsewhere) all the bikes seemed to use back-pedalling brakes. being that i'm used to pedalling backwards when i'm coasting (because it's fun), i had to work at not tossing meself off the bike by slamming on the brakes without thinking. the polish woman was having trouble in the other direction - pedalling backwards and not stopping.

that brief conversation made me feel better today. i'm not sure why.

also, today was my first time seeing a counsellor. can't tell if it was a good experience or not yet, we'll see how i feel after next week. she only said two expected counsellor-ish things, which is fewer than i was expecting. points for her? maybe....

tomorrow? beach party with downs' syndrome kids, the happiest people in the world! surely it'll be impossible to be in a funk of a mood around them, hurrah!
wow. i thought that i was always behind when it came to seeing films in europe. but i just found out that hero is only opening here this month. i saw it on DVD last fall in norway. i guess that explains why there were no english subtitles available. i was wondering why they had Hero posters in the theatre last night...

course, now all the posters say that it's "quentin tarantino's" presentation of Hero. bah.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

phone calls, wandering, gelato, ocean, falafel, film, friends, firejams, becherovka, new clothes.

and yesterday i got a picture of cows in the mail:

tomorrow will be busy. i'm glad.

Monday, August 09, 2004

today was rather good all around, i'd say. felt totally, completely content much of the time. ran into so many people i knew, and a fair number of people i haven't seen in a long while. got to chat with most of them. got face-painted. got a shirt. got salmon burgers. got literate literature. got pins. got to see my biopsy nurse. got to watch kids get what they deserved. got to right things after yesterday's Issues. got to hang out with someone i haven't seen for months, AND (added bonus) got to find out that i'm comfortable hanging out with them, despite my (ex-)relationship with their cousin. (this especially makes me super-happy.) got to sit at the beach. got to play with dogs. got to learn another poi trick. got free incense. got to have lotsa fun.

kamila's random comments were great: "i haven't seen these kinds of people since i left europe!" or, "what is he??"*

i think under the volcano's my favourite of the vancouver summertime festivals. it's high on the list, at least. it's cheaper than most, the entertainment's pretty diverse and usually grand, you meet more interesting people, every table's interesting and the whole affair's far from being about selling. well, selling in the capitalist sense of the word, at least. and you learn things. well, i did today, at least.

yay!

* that was about you, shawn. though i'm sure that's most peoples' initial reactions to you...

Sunday, August 08, 2004

if you invited yourself along for the night, and your conversation was doing fine without me, and, due to the actual physical layout of the situation, i wasn't even really able to take part in the conversation, don't confront me at the end of the night, telling me that i'm acting pissy and i'm taking shit out on everyone else and tell me that i'm feeling crappy. i didn't ask you to come along in the first place, so i wasn't hoping you'd be talking with me anyways.

maybe i'm just tired. or hurting. maybe i felt like i was being pushed out of the conversation a few times already and figured i'd just let it be. maybe i just had nothing to say. maybe i know i need to spend less time with certain people right now, whatever the reason, and hadn't been planning on an evening with you.

(please don't take it personally, but maybe that's how i figure i'll be able to maintain this friendship right now. not that you'll read this, though.)

yes, i'm anti-social right now. but only towards friends. strange and ironic and probably a bad thing.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Friday, August 06, 2004

it's conceptual, don't talk --
unless you want me to hang you next time.




during yesterday's biopsy, i really didn't feel anything when first two samples were taken (as it should be, considering that they froze the area). the third one, however, when the needle went *SNAP*, there was a sharp pain in my inner thigh. dr said that the sample was probably next to a nerve. the pain pretty much disappeared, so i didn't think about it anymore. except that i've realised that my hip's been numb ever since then, and it's not the freezing or the having-to-lie-in-bed causing it anymore. and feeling's not come back at all yet.

so: below my left knee is numb since knee surgery, the outer side of my left arm/hand has been somewhat numb due to a pinched nerve for years now, and now my left hip feels fuzzy. this is just swell.

if this is how bad my body's doing when i'm 24, i'm really, really not looking forward to my 30s.


so who wants to lend me a car so's i can get around and do things today, seeing as i don't have a bike, though doctor says i wouldn't be allowed to ride it for the next few days anyways?

Thursday, August 05, 2004

guess what. biopsies aren't as bad as reconstructive knee surgery. who woulda guessed?

natasha was there as my support. and support me she did. we wandered around and explored while we waited for them to call me. we saw illicit exchanges between russian secret spies on the rooftop courtyard. when i got a bracelet for admissions, she asked for one too so that we could be bracelet buddies. we learned that Code Black means a bomb threat, Code Yellow means escaped/missing patient (heard an announcement for that later on in the day), and Code Yellow Maternity means abduction. she snickered when the nurse explained to us that the doctor would "introduce" the needle to my kidney, and did a little puppet show of the introductions that would take place. she made wookie noises when we found out dr. "chewey" was going to be taking the pieces of me. after discussing how much fun it would be to be having a biopsy in transylvania, where everyone would have a creepy accent, she was just as thrilled as i was when the ultrasound-ist had a very heavy french accent. she made me laugh and make jokes up until the moment they were going to start with the needles. she had no problem standing there watching them stab gigantic needles into my back as i tried to break her fingers squeezing her hand.

natasha wins the prize for being bestest hospital companion EVER.

from comments that we heard, we think that people assumed that we were a couple. hee.*

but when natasha had to leave, sharon did a good job taking over. but by then all i was allowed to do was lie on my back. not my side, not sit up, just LIE THERE. it sucked. but time passed (all 6 hours of it) and all was good. and i'm already laughing more and joking more and feeling happier and calmer than i have in over a week, so it just goes to show you how much you can stress subconsciously.

my nurse for the day was very cool (and cute). super friendly, came and chatted with us a bunch, got a kick out of natasha in the morning, brought sharon and i an extra meal so that she could eat too. hopefully we'll run into her again. given her tastes and interests it actually seems possible that we might.

i was the youngest person in the ward, by far, though. which, considering that it's the kidney ward, makes sense, because most people were there for dialysis things or whatnot, already in their "years of maturity". so felt a little odd, but at least i didn't have IV needles stuck into me!

oh, and kidneys are a lot pinker than i thought. i expected it to be a deeper shade of red. and the samples they take? they're roughly this width/length: ----------------. that's it. a huge, snapping crack sound, and a sample that large shoots out the other side of this silver, boxy thing that hosts the GIANT needle (at least a foot long, says natasha - like i'd even try to watch). such a weird procedure. but i'm surprised that i'm this worn out after it. the physical stress, when you get down to it, isn't all that much - it's a needle and 3 little samples taken that are quickly closed over. the mental stress is a lot, but that doesn't usually tire you out and make you dizzy like this. maybe it's psychosomatic, i don't know. i don't think so, though.

my back's hot pink from the antiseptic they used. if only it were the 80s, i'd be so cool...

but. all in all, st. paul's hospital wins for being friendlier and more fun. coulda been the company. coulda been that a biopsy isn't as bad as knee surgery. coulda been because i actually got meals this time round. but hey, it wasn't that bad of a day in the end.

* which i thought was kinda cool. because if i'd been at the hospital here in coquitlam, NO ONE would assume that, or, at least, no one would make comments suggesting that. i'm not sure if it's because St Paul's is right by davie street, or if it's just because it was downtown. but either way, yay.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

first time with flaming poi has proved to be a success! nothing singed, a small crowd of an audience, and people even applauded from their balcony when i finished. it's surprisingly terrifying to realise that you're playing with real fire, though. but you get over it. and light them up again. and then it begins to become addictive. just like heroin.

kinda sorta not really.

my bike has died. this is a bit of a problem. my whole right side is a giant bruise. this isn't as much of a problem as a bother. my biopsy's tomorrow morning. that's just a nightmare. think happy thoughts for me around 10::30am PST. i'm going to need it.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


the coast of nimes, france


luciano, a brazilian i met in amsterdam


HERE* THERE BE DRAGONS
budapest, hungary


the amalfi coast, italy, on the "walk of the gods" hike

(trying to work with the diminished opacity of the template... though it's getting close to time to redesign it all anyway.)
yesterday i bought kevlar strips. this morning i bought lighter fluid. this afternoon i re-worked my poi with the kevlar and made them the right length.

tonight i will set the baseball diamond on fire, just you wait and see! daniel will be there with my mobile, ready to dial 911.

Monday, August 02, 2004

meet mario. and friends.


aidan drew them for me. i met him on the bus today. he was going to the park with his grandma, but came and sat next to me at the back of the bus instead of staying with her (near the front) and proceeded to tell me all about spiderman and spidergirl. he has a spiderman watch that looks like it's made out of webs. he's cool, apparently. i stuck a tattoo with rainbow people holding hands on him (the things you pick up at pride parades!), and he asked how you make the chains of people holding hands. the only big piece of paper i had was a crumpled resume, so we used that and made a mini-chain, and he decorated each person (spiderman, spidergirl, dude-made-of-cannonballs, etc). and we talked about giants, and whether or not his grandma's house was actually a giant in disguise (he says no; i say yes).

when he was done, he still wanted to draw, so i let him use my book, but because it was my book he demanded that i tell him my favouritest things. which is a question people stop asking when they get older. which is a shame. i had to think hard. but he drew me music notes (which he learned how to do from blue's clues), a strawberry (although he couldn't remember what they looked like for a moment), a special airplane that flies me home all the way to my house, and mario, the happy giant with huge eyelashes and a freakish grin. but he's a friendly giant. with big hair. (the dinosaur was mine, because he didn't know how to draw one for me.)

i had to take my book when i got off the bus, but he was quite content with the tattoo, the magnet, the paper superhero chain, and the pen. his grandma didn't seem to mind that aidan spent the whole ride with me either.

i'm glad.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

charging substantial amounts for bad beer at a "queers against capitalism" (or queers for anti-capitalism, whatever) party seems...wrong.

s'alright, didn't stick around for too long. the earlier, pre-party part of the evening was the fun part. and i'm this many steps closer to being able to light my poi on fire!