Wednesday, October 06, 2004

for the first time in a loooooooong time (ever?) vancouver, WA, might be the more exciting vancouver. maybe.

i like living near an active volcano. suddenly the west coast seems so much more exotic.

i think i saw my last film fest film today. tragically. fortunately, it was a good one. a very good one. The Five Obstructions. ed's right, von trier is a bastard. oh film fest, it was fun while it lasted...unless i cop out of current plans and see something tomorrow.

for now, i'm tired. but first:

i don't care about birthdays. it's only a day. really. i don't expect anything special to happen on that day, i've had miserable birthdays before (though a couple of jodi's birthdays still take the cake), i don't have any plans specifically because it's my birthday, and i certainly don't expect anything out of the day.

and yet! and yet, i can't stop thinking about the fact that it is almost my birthday. the actual year doesn't matter, though it might to some, but i know that i'll still automatically want to answer "18" when someone asks me age.* if i don't hear from anyone out of the ordinary, i won't be disappointed (i hope), and it would certainly be a surprise to hear from anyone other than the people i'm bound to run into tomorrow.

but if someone mentions that date, "oh, that's my birthday!"
or when a free film happens then, "yay! free stuff on my birthday -- gift for me!"
or when i flip through someone's planner to the date, "oh, you're missing something important...my birthday!"
or when i walk home through the wet leaves, "it's so pretty...how lucky that it's always like this on my birthday!"
or when mount saint helens gets busier and busier, "oooh... right around my birthday... maybe it'll erupt on my birthday!"

so do you believe me when i say that my birthday really doesn't matter to me? because honestly, it doesn't. i don't know what it is that makes that date stand out in my head, and as i think about it and mention it in passing more and more, it annoys me, too. afterall, it's only a day, why should anyone else care?

although. if i do go see a film with friends tomorrow night, and if we do go somewhere afterwards for something to eat or drink, i will be very disappointed if cheesecake isn't involved. well, maybe i will be.

strange how dates just become "important" somehow, as much as you want them to be a regular day. i suppose it makes life a little bit more interesting and worth not-dying for, huh.

i could smell burning stuff in the air when i was outside yesterday. crisp air, with a hint of smokey wood and roasting pumpkin (it's still too early, but i swear that's what i smelled), and crunchy leaves beneath my feet. it made me glad that my birthday's now.**

* that or 22, i always have to think when people ask me. it's sad, really...
** well, technically, one minute from now...

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