Sunday, October 31, 2004


pockej, pockej?
co? pockej 'pockej, pockej'?
ne, cekam cekam!
pockej, pockej?

i was wondering when this film was going to make it out here -- i was surprised it wasn't at the film fest. it's weird. it's good. i wanted jonny to "borrow" the standups of those guys from the kino while he was in his klepto stage. stef saw the actor on the left on the tram one morning but was too cool to say hi. if i'd been there i would have said something. ah well.

so i'm going to go see this film and be simultaneously happily thrilled and sad. oh what fun...

weird week. generally good, largely due to the weird moods. unfortunately the hyper good moods come along with their polar opposite once i'm on my own again, which is part why i stayed at the peak late last night, even if i could have left an hour earlier. well, and i had to get stuff done at the same time. but still.

on the plus side, waiting that long meant i missed the really wet part of the night, and i got to see the clouds whipping across the sky on the walk home. and have the wind all around me. and now it's sunny and cold and windy and orange and hellow and red and leafy and perfect.

and next week will be busy busy busy and i'll get to go see a doctor who'll tell me that i should take meds, but i'll tell him how i've been dizzy fairly regularly of late and he'll say that i shouldn't take them then, and that he'll want me to get more bloodwork done and come see him in another couple months. a wonderful exercise in futility!

and i'll have my radio show to meself once again, and at a new time -- tuesdays @ 3 -- which means i get to stick around and visit with people and genuinely enjoy what i'm playing rather than stress that i'm not doing work on the paper like i have been all semester long.

and i'll get to register for courses. if i'm doing it this time. which i think i am. though i still haven't gotten a calendar of my own yet.

and i get to go buy a flash (because it's necessary) with the money i don't have. and a minidisc recorder (because it's not as necessary, but then i don't have to keep commandeering mr mulder's), again, with the money i don't have.

still need a costume. working on it. got to wear my favourite dress for the last couple days. and a tie. and i'll have to wear it more -- hallowe'en was a good enough excuse as any.

and NaNoWriMo starts on monday. i have a plan to make meself do it this year. still don't have a working title, though. might just cut up a newspaper and dada my way to a title. but considering i can write words and words and words and words here without any trouble, surely i can write a novel in a month!

* all c's sound like "ch" except in "co" ('tso'). translated, it's...along the lines of "what? what? what 'what'?" etc etc etc......ees FUNNY!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

YAY for people who put things into perspective.
BOO for people who schedule rehearsals on hallowe'en weekend and don't let catherine come join sarah for the parade of lost souls.
YAY for thunder and lightening and hail-that-looks-like-snow-on-the-ground.
YAY for surprise mini high school reunion.
BOO for feeling ashamed of my life.
YAY for awesome sangria.
YAY for seeing my high-school twin sister for the first time in years.
YAY for amazing home-made indian food.
YAY for amazing home-made indian food leftovers.
YAY for chocolate chip pancakes and first official meeting of the "travel" club.
BOO for horrid cramps.
BOO for depression.
BOO for hating my world.
YAY for beautiful beautiful noise and friendly, beautiful Montrealians.
YAY for references to prague that only i got.
BOO for creepy, old german men who seemed nice at first.
YAY for friendly, inspiring Floridanians.
BOO for stupid rules that only hurt people who can't really take it.
BOO for continuously elusive norsk food.
YAY for random art show.
YAY for chatting with people i'd been meaning to arrange a date to "accidentally" bump into.
YAY for getting to know a new someone and meeting and old someone.
BOO for losing sleep unecessarily.
YAY for long naps on comfy couches in quiet rooms.
YAY for dreams about snow and snowball fights and old, rusted, razor-sharp-and-evil mouse traps with aged (2 syllables) white cheddar already on them.
BOO for dream!sfagan for insisting the traps be used to kill the rats.
YAY for real!sfagan for finding the dream funny instead of disturbing.
YAY for getting the cd-less french book from the radio station.
YAY for probably changing my radio timeslot -- and keeping my show name.
YAY for RC Cola, making me dreadfully strange and hyper.
YAY for streams of consciousness. even if it's a million streams at once.
BOO for achieving nearly nothing that i wanted to, again.
YAY for reading Le petit Nicolas.
BOO for finding out that plans have been hijacked.
YAY for making new plans in spite of hijackers.
YAY for (surprisingly) cheap sushi and funny(-looking) people.
BOO for feeling vaguely out of place.
BOO for long waits for busses.
YAY for seeing someone writing an epic novel on the bus -- probably about everyone around him, because he'd always glance up at people and then continue writing furiously. somehow, i liked seeing him write.
BOO for people disrespecting boundaries.
YAY for well-timed phonecalls from victoria.
BOO for frustration and anxiousness and unhappiness being amplified by people who don't even realise they're doing it. and for me doing it back.

BOO for today's me.
YAY for sleep.

Friday, October 22, 2004

i shared the bus stop today. just after i got there, another girl showed up, a sports bag and knapsack and safeway bag and sweater in tow as she shuffled quickly across the street, trying not to lose her slip-on shoes halfway across. when she made it to my side, she put on her sweater (under her jean jacket, over her tank top, despite the fact that it was honestly chilly this morning), and started to shuffle the contents of the bags until they all fit into two, rather than three.

i found her so absolutely, positively annoying. her mere existence there beside me had me tense, tapping my foot, gritting my teeth, trying so hard not to get up and push her into the street -- or at least to refrain from saying something snarky to her.

i don't know why. i don't know who she was. i've never seen her before. she wasn't exuding any attitude of any sort, she was minding her own business, her only fault was standing right in the way of my ability to see the bus coming, but she was catching the same bus i was, so it's unlikely i'd have missed the bus because neither of us looked expectant when it came by. i wasn't in a bad mood, and i certainly wasn't in a cranky mood when i ran into anyone else later on.

i've hated people because they kept drumming to the beat of bad music, or, worse, sung along with it. i've hated people for being able to hear them chew loudly when i'm trying to concentrate. i've hated people for perpetually sniffing, or for having an annoying laugh, or for snoring in hostels. i've hated people for missing unspoken (but obvious) pleas for listening or attention or hugs. but i've never hated someone just because, from the moment they entered my awareness.

fortunately the bus came a few minutes after, before my annoyance with her became too much to stand. hopefully she isn't at the busstop tomorrow morning.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

yesterday i did yoga for the First Time Ever. my body felt shimmery and fuzzy and good afterwards. but i expected to hurt like the dickens today.

guess what! no pain! hurrah! looking forward to yoga-ing again next week.

nearly got to speak french on monday. i was driving artists to and from the airport for the new forms fest, and i found out that two of them were from montreal when they opened their mouths to say hi. and then they said that they didn't expect a ride and were planning to rent a car instead. hopes went up, and were immediately dashed -- no chitchatting in french with them! looking forward to seeing their performance, though, looks really interesting. although after going through only a part of the ongoing installations earlier this week, i wonder how much i'll be able to comprehend. already have to go back to look at what i already saw, because i don't think i got half of it. and because i didn't get time to do the soundwalk. oooooh soundwalk!

oh, and by the way... snow!!! when i was in north van you could see snow on grouse (i think) mountain already. jodi and i still might try to do the grind anyways. if it gets to end with a giant snowball fight, then everyone wins!

oh, and still looking for hallowe'en costume suggestions. thus far, catherine and i have come up with pimps, dinosaurs, New Kids On The Block, or Something Cool. i'm rooting for a combination of them all right now. but with makeup. suggestions?

no more procrastination. off to take photos...

Monday, October 18, 2004

KitKat + Peanut Butter = STUPIDEST IDEA EVER

whoever came up with it should be shot.
i haven't tried the strawberry ones. i never will. hopefully that person can be rounded up and punished as well.

why are all the chocolate bars deciding to mix their flavours now? Oh Henrys with caramel and peanut butter, Aeros with caramel, KitKat with all these flavours... the reason all those bars have lasted is because they each covered a particular chocolate bar niche, and trying to smear each one all over the place is poor planning.

i do so miss Lion bars, though. rather than creating all these new ones, nestle should just start sending lions out here. everyone would be grateful.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

i only got to do a quarter of the No Show today, but i got to do it on my own (which meant playing only what i wanted) and DAMN if it weren't a great (albeit small) set!

and then i ran all the way to near-UBC and all the way back (a two-hour trip for people who don't know these things) to pick up five pictures.

and today was actually pretty good. for the first time ever, i left early and left final corrections with those remaining, though i felt justified, considering that the only reason i was still there that late at night was because i was waiting on someone else to finish an article for me. and not that i usually care sticking around, but i really didn't feel like sleeping over again.

and i found out that yes, i'm still getting reactions from chinese food. i had decided that it was all in my head, and that i wasn't really allergic to it, but...turns out i am. which is a shame. because chinese food is tasty. but at least i don't feel like a bitchy whiner for arguing against chinese food for past production nights.

it did taste good, though. at least i'll have the memory...

in other news that hasn't been listed here:
- was surprised with a surprise party last weekend. indian food. cheesecake. jericho beach. hurrah.
- began to befriend someone who initially annoyed the hell out of me. huzzah.
- spoke french. hurrah.
- made plans to gym. subsequently cancelled on them the first chance i got. huzzah.
- realised that i've forgotten how to move, and that i'm going to have to skip a meeting next week to learn how to do it again. hurrah.
- checked out the latest VAG exhibit. it made me think. so much so that i briefly felt compelled to reconsider my thoughts on walmart. heavy thinking indeed. huzzah.
- went back to the indian place from my birthday, because it was so good the first time round, where catherine and i commiserated and therapised and discussed and indulged in butter chicken. so good. so full afterwards. hurrah.
- decided that if i'm to stay in vancouver at any point in my life, that i'll need to open up a ?ajovna. i may already have business partners. perhaps. huzzah.
- i found more random connections to prague that i'd ever expect working on my stories this week. SIGNS??? or just coincidences??? hurrah.
- enjoyed a leisurely busride home on the last ones of the night, after burning my tongue with hot chocolate. huzzah.
- ended up spending 40 minutes on a free phonecall to austria, talking to the person that i love because they embody so many things that i detest. (male chauvinism has never been and never will be as amusing.) hurrah.

and now i'll sleep. because tomorrow is supposed to be a gym day. so i should probably be awake in time to get there, lest i cancel out on my gym buddy yet another time.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

if i could actually contribute something worthwhile, i'd take part in something like this. as it is, i can only zoom through it with an impressed awe. i wish i had talent. though it's still fun being an official appreciator of the arts as well.
what's the name of the feeling that's not sadness, not depression, but some degree of "down"ness, not sedate, but it's not a happy feeling per se, just a feeling where you appreciate things, enjoy the dark, find a sense of coziness among candles, twinkle lights, incense, classical music... it's a feeling that comes along with wintertime, with christmas, with sweaters and comfy socks...


whatever that feeling is, that's been today. even when it didn't quite seem to be the place for a feeling like that. it's pleasant. but it feels like something monumental and climactic should be coming out of all of it.

but it won't. because real life isn't a film or tv series.

on a different note, watching people's strategies during board games is quite fascinating. tells you a bit about their personality. that, or just that they don't like playing king's cribbage. still.

* i've hated it for years in the past. but this was fun! we ended before the game finished, and at that moment i had the least amount of cash, though a decent amount of property, but i guarantee that if the game had been played to the end, i would have won; barely staying afloat, but still getting by and succeeding in the end, that's what i do,

Sunday, October 10, 2004

it's john lennon's birthday. it's my name day. i might go have bubble tea. now celebrate!

societal norms and courtesies are such a bother.

it's gotten impressively dark in the last 20 minutes. dark enough to turn on the twinkle lights and light candles. perfect atmosphere for cleaning.

full of the eno love lately. don't know why. might just be the name itself -- it's rather a nice name: eno. eno eno eno. good thing his music is good too.

must force meself to the gym starting NOW. knee's been bugging me. i suppose that it's good that it's all fixed up, it shouldn't pop out on me anymore. still, though, since surgery it's ached more consistently than ever before. somehow, that seems backwards.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

no cheesecake for sarah. no surprise, though. plans exist only to be foiled.

saw i (heart) huckabees today. it was as i expected: lacking something. i can't quite put my finger on what it is, though. but watching the film felt as though you were watching it from just outside the door, peering in, not feeling entirely there. or like building a brick wall and building it up high and strong, but without any mortar. technically, it's there, it's made, it looks finished, it looks good and strong, but there's something a little missing.

so afterwards i dragged sharon along to see a german film. yeah, i said that yesterday was prolly my last film fest day. yeah, i lied. strange film. fun hearing german. psychotic main character. had a scene that actually made me leap out of my chair in surprise. felt more rounded than huckabees. won't say that it was a better film, but it had whatever substance huckabees was lacking. and the writer/star was there to field questions afterwards, hurrah. and then we listened to the misery show on citr on the ride home.

had a strange bombardment of energies this afternoon, though, at collective. last week's meeting was amazingly smooth, everything just flowed. this week's, you could just feel the clashes. i don't know if it's from people who were there, or just general attitudes, or what. i really didn't like it, though, just became anti-social for awhile afterwards. it passed. but not before i'd suppressed the urge to hurt a person or two.

so. who's up for swimming tomorrow?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

for the first time in a loooooooong time (ever?) vancouver, WA, might be the more exciting vancouver. maybe.

i like living near an active volcano. suddenly the west coast seems so much more exotic.

i think i saw my last film fest film today. tragically. fortunately, it was a good one. a very good one. The Five Obstructions. ed's right, von trier is a bastard. oh film fest, it was fun while it lasted...unless i cop out of current plans and see something tomorrow.

for now, i'm tired. but first:

i don't care about birthdays. it's only a day. really. i don't expect anything special to happen on that day, i've had miserable birthdays before (though a couple of jodi's birthdays still take the cake), i don't have any plans specifically because it's my birthday, and i certainly don't expect anything out of the day.

and yet! and yet, i can't stop thinking about the fact that it is almost my birthday. the actual year doesn't matter, though it might to some, but i know that i'll still automatically want to answer "18" when someone asks me age.* if i don't hear from anyone out of the ordinary, i won't be disappointed (i hope), and it would certainly be a surprise to hear from anyone other than the people i'm bound to run into tomorrow.

but if someone mentions that date, "oh, that's my birthday!"
or when a free film happens then, "yay! free stuff on my birthday -- gift for me!"
or when i flip through someone's planner to the date, "oh, you're missing something birthday!"
or when i walk home through the wet leaves, "it's so lucky that it's always like this on my birthday!"
or when mount saint helens gets busier and busier, "oooh... right around my birthday... maybe it'll erupt on my birthday!"

so do you believe me when i say that my birthday really doesn't matter to me? because honestly, it doesn't. i don't know what it is that makes that date stand out in my head, and as i think about it and mention it in passing more and more, it annoys me, too. afterall, it's only a day, why should anyone else care?

although. if i do go see a film with friends tomorrow night, and if we do go somewhere afterwards for something to eat or drink, i will be very disappointed if cheesecake isn't involved. well, maybe i will be.

strange how dates just become "important" somehow, as much as you want them to be a regular day. i suppose it makes life a little bit more interesting and worth not-dying for, huh.

i could smell burning stuff in the air when i was outside yesterday. crisp air, with a hint of smokey wood and roasting pumpkin (it's still too early, but i swear that's what i smelled), and crunchy leaves beneath my feet. it made me glad that my birthday's now.**

* that or 22, i always have to think when people ask me. it's sad, really...
** well, technically, one minute from now...

Monday, October 04, 2004

i think today won for Best Film Fest Day. saw a lengthy swedish film that was sad, but not depressing -- a delicate balance, but a successful one. drove guest #1 all the way home and picked up guest #2 and headed back downtown to see a french film that was surprisingly good. strange filming style. emo and angsty but set to baroque music, and in paris. which made for a good film.

the VIFF has these preview ads that start with a premise for a film ("on a military submarine") that slowly evolves ("on a ukrainian fishing barge") until the sorts who like festivals ("a yak herder...") would actually be interested in the film ("...finds love"). the french film i saw would probably fit well into those ads, but it was still well done.

just makes me believe even more that i would thoroughly enjoy it if they showed "the pants i have owned" (another "fake" film from other ads).

i've discovered that i can relate to a certain someone even more than i'd guessed, and that i'm apparently the best person that they can talk to right now, when it comes to having someone tell them what they need to hear. and part of it's that i'm just repeating all the advice and realities that i, meself, need to start truly believing. i know that everything i'm passing on is true, i just wish that i could make it relate to my own perception of the world right now. or that i had someone in that role telling me what i needed to hear.

i also found out that i should have followed my gut instinct last night and dropped by for someone's party, if only because i coulda visited with one person who was there. ah well. sleep prevailed.

convoluted paragraphs? yessirree. eaten much today? not much more than a small breakfast. my dinner's burning, i'm off.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

i'm home!

considering what time it is, this is something special. see, it's production day on fridays, and usually, i'm working until midnight or so because, well, it's a lot of work. but! today! i was finished by 8pm! not only that, but this morning, i didn't even have a clue what was going to be in my section.

granted, i had 2 less pages than usual to lay out this time, but i don't think that makes that really made much of a difference. somehow, thinks were just working today. for the most part, at least.

the only unfortunate thing is that i told someone that they could have a ride home, so even though i'm home now, i agreed to head back up whenever production's finished just to give them a lift home. because i have a van for another day or so, and i know how frustrating it is to be stuck with the bus, and i'm a nice person, and because i said i'd do it way back when, before i knew i'd finish early. so very tired, though, i just want to sleep...

ah well.

Friday, October 01, 2004

been stressed beyond belief this week -- so much so that i forgot to show up at one of the few paying jobs i have right now. felt terrible about it, and now, next week, i'll have to skip out early for another job that got moved up in the night. not good. too much going on right now. craziness is spilling over.

still, other than not really having much of a section for next week, things seem good. i'm being paid for a photo job for the first time ever -- far less than the going rate for a professional photographer, but i don't feel comfortable charging that much for my services, not for a first-time gig. means i get to go flash-shopping finally, hurrah!

interviewed don mckellar today with a last-minute "junior writer" who ended up being the perfect person to bring along. her excitement about it all made me a lot more thrilled with the whole thing. helped that she was smart and interesting. said she was too terrified to do the interview alone, but in the end she carried most of it, so yay her! i felt so proud... and so jaded, considering how much i really didn't care (before her enthusiasm started to rub off on me). although the added perk was running into the star of don's film in the hallway, who turned out to be a sweet kid and definitely not the drama queen from the film.

don's film, by the way, was good. had a lot of energy. was fun to watch. but had a point where it became...not as captivating, somehow. i don't even know how to describe it, but i noticed the same thing watching macivor's film on tuesday, that there's something...less gritty...more saccharine...less open-ended...slightly disappointing, honestly, about the films. not to say that the films were bad. but...something that i was expecting, some depth of some sort, something's missing. or maybe it's just been too long since i've watched canadian films.

soooooooo tired soooooooo want to sleep soooooooo haven't gotten a good night's sleep at all this week soooooooo won't get one tonight soooooooo sorry that bodac's scheduled during collective meeting times soooooooo supposing that i'll just have to skip a meeting or two sometime because i realised on tuesday that the reason i've felt soooooooo antsy (in part) lately is that i was soooooooo looking forward to it starting up again soooooooo hungry soooooooo need to write an article soooooooo finished.