Thursday, August 26, 2004

[watching scrubs is making my inner monologue all the more articulate lately. it's strange. also because it's occasionally adopting a new, male voice inside my head.]

there needs to be a button that you can hit when life is just too much. something to stop everything else from continuing on, something that, in a movie, would freeze everyone in their spot and give you time to sleep, time to think about things, time to make the decisions that you don't have time to dwell on.

too bad that doesn't exist.

dentist says: gotta have a cavity filled which will hopefully happen before the end of the month, before dental coverage is gone. and then there's the cap, dunno what i'm going to do about that. and even though i won't have coverage, i really should go one more time around december because of these little Issues.

knee surgeon says: might be a good idea to go back in and "check out" (and fix) whatever's clicking in my knee, that it wouldn't be near as traumatic as the original surgery, but that i'd still have to go under anaesthetic for it. i told him i'd think about it.

naturopath says (with amusement): you can tell that i've seen a lot of doctors lately, from my language and straightforwardness about all of it. funny, that... her eastern european name made me like her. spent half of my appointment just wishing she'd hug me and magically make me better.

doctor says: she's concerned about the medical issues, but more importantly, she's really worried about my mental health and suggested i consider anti-depressants. first time that's been suggested to me. i told her no, she still wants to see me in a couple weeks, make sure i haven't killed meself or anything foolish.

work says: we don't need you anymore! well, one does. the other one starts soon. working with the new steven's gonna be interesting indeed...

i don't know what happened. i might not usually be very sorted out in life, but i was handling everything alright up until a month or so ago, everything was going along fine. now i just want to either stay in bed or run away and hide, and i spend half the time spent with good friends alienating meself from them and wishing i was either with other people or all alone. i can't stop wanting or expecting to hear from the one person i actually also don't want to, and probably shouldn't, hear from. i just want to curl up in a ball and have all my decisions made for me, by circumstance or by other people or whatever. i have a million things i want to do, ingredients for projects lying all about the place, and can't find the motivation to do any of them.

maybe i should just register for keep-busy courses for the fall in order to have medical coverage for a couple months longer. at least that'd be one thing not to worry about for a little while longer, then. tempting thought. if only money and loans weren't an issue.

so overall it's been a great week so far. yesterday had its good moments but they seem so far away because the stress is taking over.

...and then as you're writing everything out, someone like frode pops online and sends you nifty films and new music and cheers you up by his presence alone, because you thought that you'd never really get to talk to him or lise again. so yay for timing and music-loving scandinavians with good taste and silly humour.

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