Thursday, July 08, 2004


all the text on my computer screen is swimming and groovy. makes writing difficult. but groovy.*

i was caught today. in light of this, as well as a completely unrelated admission (namely having access to one person's email and using it on occasion only to delete emails that i send after i decide that i don't want them read) and a few other self-absorbed things i've realised i've done lately, i now feel creepy and selfish and immature and ...something akin to evil, but evil is far to strong a word and there's not enough of "foolish" in there, but something like it.

(really, i do feel bad now. i'm sorry...)

there's a bad trait in my family to use situations as excuses not to act or do things. sometimes it's warranted, but usually it's a stupid excuse. "i can't clean up this mess because *** left this here and they'll be angry if i touch it so i won't do anything at all", "i can't jobhunt today because i was going to get a ride with someone but they left without me and now i'm stuck here", "i can't go work in europe like i've been planning to because i'm sick now", "i can't do my work because this terrible situation has befallen me and i'm so upset about it that i'm suddenly useless" and so on. (not all those are me, by the way. but they've all used in this house at some point.) i don't understand why we've taught ourselves to do it, but we do. the stupid thing is that often, it's more a case of martyring yourself - you actually want to do what it is that you've made yourself unable to do.

and i've been doing that in a number of ways lately. no more, though. no more waiting to sort my shit out after i hear from people, no more feeling sorry for meself when really, my life isn't that bad at all, i can't do much about having to wait for dr's appointments but i don't have to wait for those to occur to do everything else.

ayanna and i went on a walk'n'talk today. we both had things to walk'n'talk about. we ended up going through the community gardens at SFU that i'd found out about earlier today during another needed (and helpful) walk'n'talk with shawn. ayanna and i stole plums, figured out what every vegetable was, gawked at the giant lettuce and discussed replacing a christmas tree with a christmas lettuce, disturbed people out of their peaceful gardening serenity, and ate tiny leaves off the wild lemongrass, spearmint, and peppermint (well, i ate, she smelled). and we found gandhi and little orchards and other things she'd never seen before. and i found a stockpile of wire just the right diametre for my poi......if i can go back and nick some tomorrow. she said things that i expected her to say. and that i needed to hear someone say. and she told me some of what she's been stressing over lately. i hope i helped a little as well.

it's hard to know what the best course of action is when you have a bunch of contradicting reactions that you want to act upon - being angry and showing it, pulling away, being upset, accepting things and moving on... i still don't know what to do. i don't know what i want the outcome to be. and even once i figure that out, i don't know which'll achieve it. i do wish i'd become better friends with lise over the past few months, though. it'd be nice to have some input from someone with some insight into the other side of things.

i'm really sad that i won't be going to norway this summer, though. no hytt, no salty bears, no seafood barbeques, no days out on the ocean, no Solo soda, no silly radio hosts, no 50km meese... oh well, them's the breaks.

no one has answered my classified ad yet. i'm not surprised, i doubt anyone will. still, i do hope someone does. just to see what they say.

* Open Winamp5
Select Advanced Visualization Studio (AVS)
Press 'Start' - a crappy little visualization window should show up, one that is far inferior to milkdrop.
Right click in the new window, then select 'Dock to AVS editor'
Top right there is a button that says 'Overlay mode.' Check it.
Click on the button that says color, and changing colors rapidly beneath the checkbox.
Select your color of choice, or white. (Black for the text thing.)
Click on "Set Color To Desktop".
Click okay, close the AVS editor.
Have a seizure.

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