Thursday, February 19, 2004


surgery was misery. i am never, ever, EVER doing that again. EVER. being put under, having to deal with hospitals, having to deal with taking medicine, IV needles, stuff going inside me that doesn't belong, playing around with joints, being stuck in one place, being at everyone else's mercy because you can't do a thing for yourself, feeling fragile and drugged-up, it's every single phobia and thing i hate wrapped up into one incredibly traumatic experience that i never want to repeat. so my body's not allowed to damage itself anymore.



it was supposed to take 2, 2.5 hours. but in the end i was under for 4 because it turns out that apparently on top of damaging the ligament, i'd torn both cartilidges in there as well (which the surgeon seemed quite surprised about - apparently it's rare for one to be torn, let alone both). and doctors kept telling me i was fine....

and coming out of anesthesia was terrible - had the shakes for an hour while my body tried to recover. and the first nurse sitting there was a bitch as well. but when she left for the evening the replacement nurse was wonderful, talked to me and tried to distract me so that i wasn't focussed on feeling panicked. didn't know her name, but she lives in poco. and we discussed languages and the benefits of french immersion.

and many hours later i was finally allowed to leave, and since then i've sat in my room endlessly. strangely, the pain's worse today, which really is a bother, seeing as i actually wanted to try to go to class tomorrow. but if i'm feeling like this there's no way i'm leaving the bed. tried out that idea of pot as a painkiller, but that backfired terribly - couldn't concentrate on anything BUT the pain, because that was the one thing remaining constant, which might actually be why i'm in such agony today - too focussed on it last night, leg kept tensing up too much. still keeps tensing up, it's a conscious effort to attempt to relax it, and i'm not succeeding very well. this can't go on that long, though...

maybe all week'll be a write-off school-wise, but by next week i should be good. afterall, i done all of this once before, stiff sore leg, trying to rehabilitate it..

but this is the last time! do NOT want to do this ever again.

the gas man thinks i'm rude now. he just called to see if it would be alright if he came by early, but i told him that i'm the only one home and i can't open the door right now. so now dude won't get to finish work early today. doh!

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