Tuesday, May 06, 2003

my computer hates me. explorer and java are being bitches. Godspeed You Black Emperor streams aren't even working, just making the media player moan and complain. (and yes, it's between their streaming times so it's not that.)

and i'm sorry, but is it wrong of me to be generally pissed off and insulted when someone goes from being a good friend to talking to you formally and treating you like they'd treat customers at their workplace? because i don't like it. it's fake. i don't give a fuck if you're trying to protect yourself or anything like that, it's not nice to suddenly pretend you never cared too much about a person in the first place. i'm not expecting people to be falling over each other and being dismal and mopey or bitter and angry every time you talk, but at least don't say goodbye to me as though i mean fuck all to you! it just makes me feel hurt and that you're busy trying to ignore and forget me as soon as possible. when i'm still hoping things will work out and that everything can be cool once again.

or stop feeling comfortable one minute and busy trying to distance yourself the next. s'making it very difficult to know how things stand and how much i should let meself care at this point.

but then again i'm a fuckin idealist so maybe i should just get used to disappointment.

and you're going to read this and get angry all over again, i know it. well whatever. i'm allowed to vent on this thing. i try not to because who wants to read about someone venting personal issues all the time? but today i don't care. i don't know what i want, i don't know what i should want, but this constant seesaw isn't making it any easier to figure these things out. one day i figure everything's done with, the next day i get the feeling that things might start to get better, i start to feel happier about it all, and then the very next minute we're back to square one again and i just get exasperated because i don't have any idea what to expect anymore. well, other than "the completely opposite of last time". it's driving me fuckin nuts. and i don't care if you're going to consider me a hypocrite for saying that, because it's not the case at all. but anyways.

and i'm swearing far too much these days. the influence of matt is strong indeed. but i just need to go and scream and punch things for a few minutes and just get it all out of my system at this point. people, papers, planning, parents personal pride, school (ran out of p's there..), money, futures...

anyone want to volunteer to be a human punchingbag? i've got absolutely no arm strength, i promise you i'd do absolutely no damage to you whatsoever. with my luck i'd break my fists anyways. if my ribs can fracture over nothing, trust me. you'll come out on top.

No comments: